95 


PEOPLE  YOU  KNOW 


GEORGE    ADE 


Illustrated  'by  John  T.  McCutcheon 
and  Others 


NEW   YORK  AND   JLONDON 

HARPER    &    BROTHERS 

PUBLISHER'S      '    f 


Copyright,  1902,  1903,  by 
Robert  Howard  Russell 

First  Impression,   April,    1903 


Preface 


THIS  little  book  is  not  supposed  to 
contain  any  new  information.  It  is 
made  up  of  plain  observations  con 
cerning  people  who  live  just  around  the  cor 
ner.  If  the  reader  will  bear  in  mind  that  only 
the  people  who  live  around  the  corner  are  dis 
cussed  in  this  volume,  there  will  be  no  chance 
for  painful  misunderstandings.  I  have  no  de 
sire  to  rub  the  wrong  way  anyone  who  proves 
his  true  friendship  by  purchasing  a  copy  of 
this  Work.  It  may  be  advisable  to  explain 
that  these  Fables  are  written  in  the  colloquial 
American  language.  The  vocabulary  employed 
is  one  that  has  become  familiar  to  the  ear, 
although  it  is  seldom  seen  on  the  printed  page. 
In  other  words,  this  volume  contains  a  shame 
less  amount  of  slang.  If  any  part  of  it  is  un 
intelligible  to  the  reader,  he  should  be  glad 
that  he  has  escaped  what  seems  to  be  an 
epidemic. 

THE   AUTHOR. 


220833 


CONTENTS 

Pase 
The    Periodical    Souse,  the   Never- Again 

Feeling  and  the  Ride  On  the  Sprink 
ling  Cart  13 

I    The  Kind  of  Music  That  Is  Too  Good  for 

Household  Use  23 

The  One  or  Two  Points  of  Difference  Be 
tween  Learning  and  Learning  How       26 

The   Night- Watch    and    the   Would-Be 

Something  Awful  37 

The  Attenuated  Attorney  Who  Rang  In 

the  Associate  Counsel  46 

i 
What  Father  Bumped  Into  at  the  Culture 

Factory  54 

The  Search  for  the  Right  House  and  How 

Mrs.  Jump  Had  Her  Annual  Attack     65 
[9] 


CONTENTS 

The  Batch  of  Letters,  or  One  Day  With 

a  Busy  Man  72 

The  Sickly  Dream  and  How  It  Was  Doc 
tored  Up  81 

The  Two  Old  Pals  and  the  Call  for  Help     90 

The  Regular  Kind  of  a  Place  and  the 

Usual  Way  It  Turned  Out  99 

The  Man   Who  Had  a  True  Friend  to 

Steer  Him  Along  107 

The  Young  Napoleon  Who  Went  Back 

V 

to  the  Store  On  Monday  Morning        110 

The  High  Art  That  Was  a  Little  Too 
High  for  the  Vulgarian  Who  Paid 
the  Bills  119 

The  Patient  Toiler  Who  Got  It  in  the 

Usual  Place  129 

The    Summer  Vacation   That  Was   Too 

Good  to  Last  133 

[10] 


CONTENTS 

Page 
How  an  Humble  Beginner  Moved  from 

one  Pinnacle  to  Another  and  Played 
the  Entire  Circuit  142 

The  Maneuvers  of  Joel  and  the  Disap- 

pointed  Orphan  Asylum  149 

Two  Young  People,  Two  Photographers 
and  the  Corresponding  School  of 
Wooing  158 

The  Married  Couple  That  Went  to 
Housekeeping  and  Began  to  Find 
Out  Things  167 

The  Samaritan  Who  Got  Paralysis  of  the 

Helping  Hand  175 

The  Effort  to  Convert  the  Work  Horse 

Into  a  High-Stepper  185 

The  Self-Made  Hezekiah  and  His  Mes 
sage  of  Hope  to  This  Year's  Crop  of 
Graduates  194 

[11] 


CONTENTS 

Page 

The  Girl  Who  Took  Notes  and  Got  Wise 

and  Then  Fell  Down  203 

What   They   Had   Laid   Out    for  Their 

Vacation  212 

The  Experimental  Couple  and  the  Three 

Off-Shoots  215 


[12] 


The   Periodical    Souse,   the    Never- 

Again  Feeling  and  the  Ride 

On  the  Sprinkling  Cart 


ONCE  there  was  an  Indian  who  had  a 
Way  of   putting  on  all  his  Feathers 
and  breaking  out  of  the  Reservation. 
For  three  Weeks  at  a  Stretch  he  gave  a  Cor 
rect  Imitation  of  the  Shining  Light  who  passes 
the  Basket  and  superintends  the  Repairs  on  the 
Parsonage.     He  was  entitled  to  a  Mark  of  100 
for  Deportment.     With  his  Meals  he  drank  a 
little    Polly.      After    Dinner    he    smoked    one 
Perfecto  and  then,  when  he  had  put  in  a  frol 
icsome  Hour  or  so  with  the  North  American 
Review,  he  crawled  into  the  Hay  at  9.30  P.M. 
At  last  he  accumulated  a  Sense  of  Virtue 
that  was  hard  to  cany  around.      He  was  proud 
of  himself  when  he  counted  up  the  number  of 
days  during  which  he  had  stuck  to  the  Straight 
and  Narrow.     It  seemed  to  him  that  he  de 
served  a  Reward.     So  he  decided  to  buy  him 
self  a  little  Present,  something  costing  about 
15  cents.     He  picked  out  a  First-Class  Place 
[181 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

where  they  had  Electric  Fans  and  Pictures  by 
the  Old  Masters.  He  poured  out  a  Working- 
man's  Size — the  kind  that  makes  the  Barkeep 
stop  wiping  up  and  look  unfriendly  for  a  Mo 
ment  or  two. 

Then  he  remembered  that  a  Bird  cannot  fly 
with  one  Wing,  so  he  gently  raised  the  In 
dex  Finger  and  gave  the  Prescription  Clerk 
a  Look,  which  in  the  Sign  Language  means, 
"  Repeat  the  Dose." 

It  is  an  Historical  Fact  that  when  a  Man 
falls  backward  from  the  Water  Wagon  he  al 
ways  lands  in  a  Crowd.  The  full  Stage  Set 
ting,  the  Light  Effects  and  the  Red  Fire  were 
all  ready  to  make  it  a  Spectacular  Affair.  Just 
after  he  had  mowed  away  No.  2  and  had 
stopped  worrying  about  the  Winter's  Coal,  he 
began  to  meet  Friends  who  were  dying  of 
Thirst.  Then  the  atmosphere  began  to  be 
curdled  with  High  Balls  and  Plymouth  Sours 
and  Mint  Smashes,  and  he  was  telling  a  Shoe 
Drummer  that  a  lot  of  People  who  had  been 
knocking  him  would  probably  be  working  for 
him  before  the  Year  was  out. 
[14] 


For  Three  Weeks. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

Then  he  found  himself  in  a  four-oared  Cab 
let  and  the  Sea  became  very  Rough.  There 
was  something  out  of  Whack  with  the  Steer 
ing  Gear,  for  instead  of  bringing  up  at  his 
Boarding  House  he  found  himself  at  another 
Rum  Parlor.  The  Man  who  owned  the  Place 
had  lost  the  Key  and  could  not  lock  up.  Here 
he  met  several  Delegates  to  a  State  Conven 
tion  of  a  Fraternal  Order  having  for  its  Pur 
pose  the  uplifting  of  Mankind.  They  wore 
Blue  Badges  and  were  fighting  to  get  their 
Money  into  the  Cash  Register.  In  a  little 
while  he  and  a  red-headed  Delegate  were  up 
by  the  Cigar  Counter  singing,  "  How  can  I 
bear  to  leave  thee  ? "  He  put  in  an  Appli 
cation  for  Membership  and  then  the  next 
Picture  that  came  out  of  the  Fog  was  a 
Chop  Suey  Restaurant  and  everybody  breaking 
Dishes. 

Soon  after,  the  Lights  went  out  and  when 
he  came  back  to  Earth  he  was  lying  the  wrong 
way  of  his  Bed  with  Blue  Badges  all  over  him, 
trying  to  swallow  a  Bath  Towel,  which  he  after 
ward  discovered  was  his  Tongue.  By  getting 
[16] 


Brothers. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

a  Leverage  under  his  Head  he  managed  to  pry 
it  up  and  then  he  sat  on  the  edge  of  the  Bed 
and  called  himself  Names.  He  had  nothing 
left  over  except  the  Cards  given  to  him  by  the 
Brothers  from  up  State  somewhere.  He  had  a 
dim  and  sneaking  Recollection  that  he  had 
given  his  address  and  Phone  Number  to  the 
whole  Tribe  and  begged  them  to  look  him 
up. 

"  Not  any  more  in  Mine,"  said  he,  as  he  held 
a  Towel  under  the  Faucet.  "  Not  for  all  of 
Morgan's  would  I  look  at  any  more  of  that 
Essence  of  Trouble.  I  wonder  if  I'll  live 
through  the  Morning.1' 

That  Day  he  lived  on  Bromo  and  Ice,  and 
the  only  Satisfaction  this  Life  offered  was  the 
Fact  that  he  was  a  Reformed  Man. 

On  the  Second  Day  he  could  look  at  Solid 
Food  without  having  a  Spasm.  His  Hair 
stopped  pulling  and  he  began  to  speak  to  the 
People  he  met.  When  asked  to  step  out  fc  '  a 
little  while,  he  lost  his  Temper  and  made  a  lit 
tle  Talk  on  the  Subject,  proving  conclusively 
that  there  was  Nothing  in  it. 
IT  18] 


Never  Again! 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

As  he  walked  homeward  in  the  Dusk  he 
passed  the  Clubs  and  Cafes  where  those  who 
Drank  were  rounding  up  and  he  felt  sorry  for 
them. 

"  Why  can't  they  pass  it  up,  the  same  as  I 
do  ? "  he  asked  himself.  "  Ah,  if  only  they 
knew  how  much  more  Fun  it  is  to  be  Respect 
able/' 

It  was  an  actual  Mystery  to  him  that  any 
one  could  dally  with  a  Dry  Martini  while  there 
was  a  Hydrant  on  every  Corner. 

On  the  third  Day  he  was  cracking  his  Whip 
and  begging  People  to  get  up  on  the  Wagon 
with  him.  And  he  said  it  was  a  Queer  Thing, 
but  he  couldn't  bear  the  Sight  of  it. 

While  on  the  fourth  Evening  he  confessed 
to  some  nice  People  he  met  at  a  Church  So 
cial  that  at  one  time  he  had  allowed  himself 
to  be  coaxed  into  taking  an  occasional  Nip 
but  he  reasoned  it  all  out  and  decided  it  was  a 
Bad  Thing  and  simply  Chopped  it  right  off. 
They  told  him  it  was  wonderful  how  much 
Will  Power  he  had  and  asked  him  if  he  ever 
felt  the  Old  Craving  coming  back  on  him,  and 
[20] 


THE   PERIODICAL  SOUSE 

he  said  he  could  see  it  splashing  all  around 
him  and  not  have  the  faintest  Desire  to 
dip  in. 

He  was  so  stuck  on  himself  that  he  went 
around  to  call  on  all  his  Friends  who  kept  it 
on  the  Table  so  that  he  could  wave  it  to  one 
side  and  tell  how  he  despised  it.  He  sat  there 
and  pitied  those  who  were  inhaling  it.  Every 
Morning  when  he  arose  he  would  throw  kisses 
to  himself  in  the  Glass  and  exclaim:  "Aha! 
The  Head  as  clear  as  a  Bell  this  A.M.  I'll 
bet  I'm  the  cleanest  and  nicest  Young  Fellow 
in  this  Town.  Any  Girl  that  picks  out  a  So 
ber  and  Steady  Man  such  as  I  am  will  certainly 
be  showing  good  Judgment."" 

As  Narrated  at  the  Beginning,  for  three 
weeks  he  worked  hard  at  the  Job  of  being  an 
Abstainer.  And  at  last  he  accumulated  a 
Sense  of  Virtue  that  weighed  over  200  Pounds. 
He  knew  that  he  was  entitled  to  a  Reward,  so 
he  decided  to  buy  himself  a  little  Present. 
Just  a  wee  Reminder  of  by-gone  Days  and 
then  back  to  Sarsaparilla.  But  he  fell  into  a 
Crowd.  There  was  another  State  Convention, 
[21] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

It  had  been  arranged  for  him  so  that  he  could 
get  a  Fresh  Start. 

MORAL:  Life  is   a   Series  of  Relapses  and 
Recoveries. 


[22] 


The  Kind  of  Music  That  Is  Too 
Good  for  Household  Use 

+$$+ 

ONE    Evening   a   little  Flock  of  Our 
Best    People    got    together    at    the 
Home  of  a  Lady  who  invariably  was 
first   over  the  Fence  in   the  Mad  Pursuit  of 
Culture.     She  loved  to  fill  her  Front  Rooms 
with  Folks  who  wore  7f  Hats  and  read  Nor 
wegian    Novels   that  no  one  else  ever   heard 
anything  about. 

On  the  Evening  already  mentioned  she  had 
a  Cluster  of  Geniuses  on  hand.  They  were 
expected  to  Talk  for  a  couple  of  Hours,  so  as 
to  work  up  an  Appetite  for  Neapolitan  Ice- 
Cream  and  Lady-Fingers.  In  the  course  of 
time  they  got  around  to  the  Topic  of  Modern 
Music.  All  agreed  that  the  Music  which 
seemed  to  catch  on  with  the  low-browed  Public 
was  exceedingly  punk.  They  rather  fancied 
"  Parsifal "  and  were  willing  to  concede  that 
Vogner  made  good  in  Spots,  but  Mascagni  they 
branded  as  a  Crab.  As  for  Victor  Herbert 
and  J.  P.  Sousa — back  to  the  Water-Tanks ' 
[23] 


They  Love  It, 


MUSIC  TOO   GOOD   FOR   USE 

A  little  later  in  the  Game  the  Conversation 
began  to  Sag  and  it  was  suggested  that  they 
have  Something  on  the  Piano.  They  gathered 
around  the  Stack  of  Music  and  then  Vogner 
went  into  the  Discard  and  Puccini  fell  to  the 
Floor  unnoticed  and  the  Classics  did  not  get  a 
Hand.  (But  they  gave  a  Yelp  of  Joy  when 
they  spotted  a  dear  little  Cantata  about  a 
Coon  who  earned  a  Razor  and  had  trouble  with 
his  Wife,  j  They  sang  the  Chorus  38  times  and 
the  Young  Lady  wore  out  both  Wrists  doing 
Rag-Time. 

MORAL:  It  is  proper  to  enjoy  the  Cheaper 
Grades  of  Art,  but  they  should  not  be  formally 
Indorsed. 


[25] 


The  One  or  Two  Points  of  Differ 

ence  Between  Learning  and 

Learning  How 


IN  a  Red  School-House  back  in  the  Web- 
Foot  District,  it  was  the  Custom  to  have 
a   Debate  every  Friday  Afternoon.     The 
much-mooted  Question  as  to  which   does  the 
greater  Damage,  Fire  or  Water,  had  been  care 
fully  gone  over  by  the  Squabs.     Also  who  was 
the  heftier  Proposition,  Napoleon  or  Washing 
ton  ?     But  the  original  Stand-by  was  as  fol 
lows:     "Resolved,   that  Education   is   better 
than  Wealth." 

The  Corporate  Interests  got  many  a  Whack 
here  in  the  Knowledge  Works.  Most  of  the 
Children  wanted  to  grow  up  and  be  like  Galileo. 
They  claimed  that  mere  Wealth  could  not  pur 
chase  Happiness.  The  only  genuine  Peace  of 
Mind  came  from  being  able  to  call  off  the 
Geological  Periods  with  the  Eyes  closed. 

Here  in  this  little  Brain  Hatchery  were  two 
Kids  who  were  not  Mates.     One  was  named 
[26] 


Oth  and  Bradford. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

Otis  and  the  other  was  Bradford,  or  Brad  foi 
Short.  Otis  was  the  Boy  who  took  the 
Affirmative  side  on  Friday  Afternoon.  Ote 
firmly  believed  that  Learning  was  the  most 
valuable  Asset  that  a  Man  could  tuck  away. 
Brad  was  for  the  Money  End  of  the  Game,  but 
when  he  got  up  to  make  his  Talk  his  Vocab 
ulary  would  become  jammed  up  and  caught 
'crossways  in  the  Flue  and  teacher  would  mo 
tion  him  back  to  his  Seat.  Otis,  however, 
could  tell  in  well-chosen  Phrases  why  the 
Scholar  was  a  better  and  happier  Man  than  the 
Millionaire  and  so  he  always  received  the  Vote 
of  the  Judges. 

Now,  Brad  was  done  up  but  unconvinced. 
He  could  not  stand  up  before  the  District 
School  and  tell  why  it  was  good  policy  to 
corral  the  Coin,  but  he  had  a  secret  Hunch  that 
it  would  be  no  Disgrace  for  him  to  go  out  and 
do  the  best  he  could.  Brad  had  a  bull-dog 
Jaw  and  large  blood-shot  Hands  and  a  Neck- 
Band  somewhat  larger  than  his  Hat-Band. 
He  jumped  the  Stockade  when  they  started  to 
teach  him  Botany.  He  weighed  180  and  he 
[28] 


LEARNING  AND  LEARNING  HOW 

thought  he  was  too  large  to  sit  around  and 
count  the  Petals  of  the  Ox-Eye  Daisy  when  he 
might  be  out  selling  Lightning  Rods  to  the 
Yaps  and  making  jug-handled  Contracts. 
Accordingly  he  Dug. 

"  Bradford  is  making  a  great  Mistake,"  said 
Otis,  as  he  saw  his  Friend  tear  from  the  Insti 
tution  of  Learning.  "  In  order  to  get  a  few 
worldly  Chattels  right  at  the  jump,  he  sacrifices 
his  Diploma.  I  shall  be  more  Foxy.  I  shall 
go  right  on  through  the  High  School  and  then 
I  shall  attend  College  and  get  a  Degree. 
When  I  have  taken  my  Degree  then  I  will  be 
the  human  It.  My  scholarly  Attainments  and 
polished  Manner  will  get  me  past  the  Door  and 
into  the  Inner  Circle  of  the  Hot  Potatoes.  As 
for  Bradford,  although  it  is  possible  that  he 
shall  have  combed  up  a  little  Currency  he  will 
be  a  mere  ordinary,  sordid  Business  Man — not 
one-two-seven  when  he  tries  to  stack  up  against 
one  who  has  just  been  delivered  of  a  Thesis  on 
the  Correlated  Phenomena  of  Unconscious/  \ 
Cerebration. 

While  Brad  was  out  in  the  back  Townships 
[29] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

short-changing  the  Farmers  and  buying  8  per 
cent.  Mortgages,  Otis  was  working  his  way 
through  College  and  living  on  Oatmeal  except 

(on  Holidays  and  then  Prunes.  He  was  get 
ting  round-shouldered  and  wore  Specs  and  was 
all  gaunted  up,  but  he  never  weakened.  He 
was  pulling  for  the  Laurel  Wreath  of  Scholar 
ship,  or  in  other  words,  the  Degree.  After 
humping  it  for  4  years  he  passed  his  final 
Exam  and  the  Faculty  decided  that  he  was  a 
Bachelor  of  Arts. 

That  was  the  Day  when  he  had  the  Laugh 
on  Brad. 

In  the  meantime,  Bradford  had  been  chok 
ing  various  People  and  taking  it  away  from 
them.  He  had  four  Salesmen  under  him  and 
had  butted  into  the  Firm,  but  he  was  still  shy 
on  Botany. 

Inasmuch  as  Otis  had  been  one  of  the  bright 
est  Men  in  his  Class  he  was  offered  a  position 
as  Instructor  in  the  College  at  a  Salary  of  $55 
a  Month  with  a  promise  of  $5  raise  at  the  end 
of  five  Years,  if  he  lived.  Otis  accepted,  be 
cause  the  Outside  World  did  not  seem  to  be 
[801 


M.A. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

clamoring  for  his  Services,  even  though  he 
was  an  Authority  on  the  Mezozoic  Period 
and  knew  all  the  Diatomes  by  their  First 
Names. 

Often  while  he  was  burning  the  Midnight 
Oil  and  grinding  out  Jaw-Breakers,  so  as  to 
qualify  for  the  Master's  Degree,  he  reflected  as 
follows :  "  It  is  true  that  Brad  is  making  it 
Hand  over  Fist  and  wears  $6  Shirts  and  rides 
in  a  State-Room  on  the  Pullman,  but  he  is  not 
a  Bachelor  of  Arts.  And  some  day  when  he 
is  a  Multi-Millionaire  I  can  still  look  down  on 
him,  for  then  I  shall  be  a  Master  of  Arts.  I 
have  known  since  Childhood  that  Education  is 
more  desirable  than  Paltry  Gold.  Although 
the  Newspapers  and  the  General  Public  do  not 
seem  to  be  with  me  to  any  Extent,  it  is  better 
to  hob-nob  with  the  Binomial  Theorem  than 
to  dally  with  the  Champagne  Supper.'" 

In  due  time  the  Faculty  gave  the  Degree  of 
M.A.  to  what  was  left  of  Otis  and  still  his 
Ambition  was  not  satisfied.  He  wanted  to 
land  a  Doctor's  Degree.  He  knew  that  any 
one  who  aspired  to  this  Eminent  Honor  had 
[32] 


LEARNING  AND  LEARNING  HOW 

to  be  a  Pippin.  But  he  hoped  that  he  could 
make  some  Contribution  to  the  World  of 
Thought  that  would  jar  the  whole  Educational 
System  and  help  him  to  climb  to  the  topmost 
Pinnacle  of  Human  Greatness. 

Professor  Otis  did  the  Dig  Act  year  after 
year.  At  the  age  of  49  he  was  still  M.  A.  and 
owned  a  House  with  a  Mortgage  on  it.  In 
the  Meantime  there  had  been  revolutionary 
Changes  in  the  World  of  Finance.  Everything 
on  Earth  had  been  put  into  a  Pool.  Each 
Smooth  Citizen  who  had  something  that  was 
of  no  particular  use  to  him  went  to  work  and 
Capitalized  it.  Brad  closed  out  his  Interests 
for  so  much  Money  that  any  one  else  would 
have  been  ashamed  to  take  it.  Then  he  and 
some  other  Buccaneers  went  down  to  Wall 
Street  to  have  fun  with  several  dignified  Gen 
tlemen  whom  Brad  described  as  Them  Fly 
Eastern  Mugs.  They  succeeded  in  putting  the 
Skids  under  a  number  of  Persons  who  did  not 
care  to  meet  them  Socially. 

When  Brad  walked  around  in  his  Million 
Dollar  Hut  he  had  to  step  high  to  avoid 
[33] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

stumbling  over  Bundles  of  the  Long  Green ; 
but. he  never  had  made  any  further  headway 
with  his  Botany. 

It  happened  one  Day  that  Brad  was  out 
Moting  and  he  dropped  in  at  the  College 
where  his  Boyhood  Friend  was  now  the  Pro 
fessor  of  Dipsicology  and  Plamazzus. 

«  This  is  a  likely-looking  Plant,"  said  Brad, 
as  he  sized  up  the  Campus.  "  I  like  to  en 
courage  these  Joints  because  they  help  to  keep 
a  lot  of  Young  Fellows  away  from  Business 
Offices.  I  find  that  I  have  here  in  my  Vest- 
Pocket  a  measly  $50,000  that  I  have  over 
looked  in  changing  my  Clothes.  Give  it  to  the 
Main  Cheese  and  tell  him  to  have  a  Laboratory 
on  me."" 

When  the  News  got  out  all  the  sis-boom-ah 
Boys  gave  a  Parade  in  their  Nighties.  The 
Faculty  called  a  Special  Meeting  and  made 
Brad  a  Doctor  of  Philosophy. 

Next  Year  he  put  up  for  a  Gym  and  they 
made  him  a  Doctor  of  Divinity. 

The    Year   Following   he   handed    them   a 
Telescope  and  became  an  LL.D. 
[34] 

t 


D.D.—lL.D.—Ph.D. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

Every  time  lie  coughed  he  was  made  some 
new  kind  of  Doctor. 

In  fact,  for  a  Man  with  a  6J  Hat  who  did 
not  know  the  difference  between  the  Pistil  and 
the  Stamen  he  was  the  most  learned  Thing  in 
Seven  States.  Professor  Otis  was  crowded  into 
the  Ditch.  Sometimes  he  wonders  which  of  the 
two  has  the  nub  end  of  the  Argument  that 
started  in  the  Red  School-House. 

MOEAL  :  The  Longest  Way  Around  is  the 
Shortest  Way  to  the  University  Degree. 


[36] 


The  Night-Watch  and  the   Would-Be 
Something  Awful 


ONCE  there  was  a  full-sized  Girl  named 
Florine  whose  Folks  kept  close  Tab 
on  her.  Any  night-blooming  Har 
old  who  presumed  to  keep  the  Parlor  open 
after  Midnight  heard  low  Voices  in  the  Hall 
way  and  then  a  Rap  on  the  Door.  If  Florine 
put  on  her  Other  Dress  and  went  to  a  Hop 
then  Mother  would  sit  up  and  wait  for  her, 
and  1  o'clock  was  the  Outside  Limit.  Conse 
quently  Florine  would  have  to  duck  on  the 
Festivities  just  when  everything  was  getting 
Good.  Furthermore  she  would  have  to  warn 
Mr.  Escort  to  behave  himself  when  they  drew 
near  the  House. 

"Nothing  doing  at  the  Gate,"  sh^  would 
say,  warningly.  "  It's  Dollars  to  Dumplings 
that  the  Girl  Detective  is  peeking  out  to  get  a 
Line  on  my  Conduct.  She  has  her  Ear  to  the 
Ground  about  four-thirds  of  the  Time  and  if 
any  one  makes  a  Move,  then  Mother  is  Next. 
If  Father  takes  a  Drink  at  the  Club  and  then 
[37] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

starts  Homeward  on  a  fast  Trolley,  Mother 
knows  all  about  it  when  he  is  still  three 
Blocks  from  the  House.  What's  more,  she  is 
a  knowing  Bird  and  can't  be  fooled  by  Cloves 
or  these  little  Peppermint  Choo-Choos.  The 
only  time  when  Mother  kisses  Father  is  when 
she  wants  to  catch  him  with  the  Goods.  Look 
Out !  This  is  our  Corner." 

As  soon  as  they  had  landed  at  the  Gate,  lit 
tle  Florine  would  say  in  loud,  clear  Tones  that 
would  carry  as  far  as  the  Sitting-Room  Win 
dow,  "  Oh,  Mr.  Gilblitz,  I  have  had  a  most 
charming  Evening,  and  I  wish  to  thank  you 
most  heartily." 

Whereupon  the  Escort,  standing  8  Feet 
away,  with  his  Concertina  Hat  in  his  Hand 
and  the  Face  in  the  Moonlight  beaming  with 
child-like  Innocence,  would  come  back  thusly : 
"  It's  awfully  good  of  you  to  say  that.  Good 
Night." 

After  which,  Mother  was  supposed  to  be 
lieve  that  they  had  been  8  feet  apart  all  Even 
ing.     But  Mother  was  Canny  and  up  to  Snuff, 
with  a  Memory  that  reached  back  at  least  25 
[38] 


Tlorine. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

Years.  These  little  One- Act  Plays  under  the 
Window  did  not  throw  her  off  for  any  part  of 
a  Minute.  Before  Florine  turned  in  she  was 
Cross -Examined  and  required  to  tell  with 
whom  she  had  danced,  and  why  and  how  often 
and  what  he  said.  Occasionally  the  Daughter 
worked  the  Mental  Reservation.  In  other 
Words,  she  held  out  on  Mother.  She  said 
that  she  had  sat  out  most  of  the  Numbers,  but 
she  admitted  going  through  a  Square  Dance 
with  the  Young  Man  who  passed  the  Plate  at 
the  Episcopal  Church. 

At  which  Mother  would  wink  the  Off  Eye 
and  murmur,  "  Is  that  so  ?  "  with  the  Loud 
Pedal  on  the  "  That."  Also  something  about 
being  more  than  Seven. 

One  of  Florine's  Ancestors  on  Mother's  Side 
happened  to  be  on  Earth  at  the  time  of  the 
Revolution,  and  Father  often  spoke  of  a  Sec 
ond  Cousin  who  had  been  in  Congress  until 
the  District  tumbled  to  him.  Because  of  this 
Current  of  Blue  Blood  racing  in  her  Veins, 
Florine  was  supposed  to  be  a  trifle  Classy  and 
Mother  was  always  afraid  that  she  might  get 
[40] 


THE   NIGHT-WATCH 

Thumb  -  Marks  on  the  Family  Escutcheon. 
Therefore  Florine  was  forbidden  to  work  up  a 
Calling  Acquaintance  with  any  of  the  Hoi 
Polloi,  which  is  Greek  for  Selling  -  Platers. 
According  to  Mother,  there  were  only  about  8 
Families  in  Town  that  really  belonged  and  some 
of  them  didn't  Belong  enough  to  hurt.  Flo 
rine  found  herself  cut  out  of  many  a  Good 
Time  because  the  Chaperon  for  the  Occasion 
chanced  to  be  related  to  some  one  who  had 
been  in  the  Liquor  Business. 

Florine  was  up  against  it  ever  so  Hard. 
She  had  to  go  out  in  the  Grape  Arbor  when 
she  wanted  to  chew  Gum,  and  she  kept  her 
Reading  Matter  under  the  Mattress.  Nearly 
every  high-speed  Bachelor  in  Town  had  been 
forbidden  the  Premises  because  of  the  Stories 
that  were  going  around.  The  kind  that 
Mother  approved  were  of  the  Lilac  Division 
with  White  Puff  Ties  and  their  Hair  glued 
down.  They  talked  about  Choir  Practice  and 
sometimes,  when  they  were  sufficiently  wrought 
up,  they  played  Charades. 

The  only  Chance  that  Florine  had  to  min- 
[41] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

gle  with  the  Popular  Boys  was  to  go  down 
Town  in  the  Afternoon  and  just  happen  to 
meet  one  of  them  at  the  Ice-Cream  Parlor. 
Florine  learned  to  be  quite  a  Happener.  But 
on  the  way  home  she  would  have  to  fix  up  a 
few  Jules  Vernes  for  the  Old  Lady  in  the 
Watch  Tower.  Mother  knew  that  it  didn't  take 
4  Hours  to  be  measured  for  a  Shirt  Waist. 

"  Wait  until  I  get  Married,"  Florine  would 
say.  "  Til  make  that  20-hour  Flyer  look  like 
a  Steam-Roller.  If  Mother  doesn't  let  up  on 
me,  I'll  learn  to  smoke  Cigarettes." 

At  times  she  was  so  Desperate  that  she  was 
ready  to  join  a  Troupe  or  elope  with  a  Drum 
mer.  She  wanted  to  get  out  among  the  Bright 
Lights  and  hear  the  Band  play.  And  she 
knew  that  she  couldn't  turn  Flip-Flops  and 
break  Furniture  and  play  Rag-Time  along  after 
Midnight  until  she  had  become  a  Respectable 
Married  Woman.  So  she  had  her  Distress 

h 

Signal  out  and  used  to  drop  very  Broad  Hints, 
when  she  was  chatting  with  the  Lads  who  hap 
pened  to  be  in  the  Soda- Water  Resort  when 
she  dropped  in.  They  liked  Florine  for  Keeps, 
[42] 


The  Night-Watch. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

but  when  one  of  them  thought  of  clinching 
with  old  Eagle-Eye,  the  Family  Sleuth,  he 
weakened. 

Florine  would  have  remained  a  Dead  Card 
if  she  had  not  gone  on  a  Visit  to  a  neighboring 
City  where  she  bumped  into  the  Town  Trifler. 
He  had  a  Way  of  proposing  to  every  Girl  the 
first  time  he  met  her.  It  always  seemed  to 
him  such  a  cordial  Send-Off  for  a  budding 
Friendship.  Usually  the  Girl  asked  for  Time 
and  then  the  two  of  them  would  Fiddle  around 
and  Fuss  and  Make  Up  and  finally  send  back 
all  the  Letters  and  that  would  be  the  Finish. 
Florine  fooled  the  foxy  Philander.  The  Mo 
ment  he  came  at  her  with  the  Marriage  Talk 
she  took  a  firm  Hold  and  said,  "YouYe  on! 
Get  your  License  to-morrow  morning.  Then 
cut  all  the  Telegraph  Wires  and  burn  the 
Railroad  Bridges." 

They  were  Married,  and,  strange  as  it  may 
appear,  Mother  immediately  resigned  her  Job 
as  Policeman  and  said  :  "  Thank  goodness,  I've 
got  you  Married  Off  !  Now  you  can  do  as  you 
please." 

[44] 


THE   NIGHT-WATCH 

When  Florine  found  that  she  could  do  as 
she  pleased  she  discovered  that  there  wasn't 
very  much  of  anything  to  do  except  Settle 
Down.  After  about  seven  Chafing-Dish  Par 
ties  she  expended  her  whole  Stock  of  pent-up 
Ginger  and  now  she  is  just  as  Quiet  as  the  rest 
of  us. 

MORAL:  Any  System  is  O.  K.  if  it  finally 
Works  Out. 


The  Attenuated  Attorney  Who  Rang 
In  the  Associate  Counsel 


ONCE  there  was  a  sawed-off  Attorney 
who  had  studied  until  he  was  Bleary 
around    the    Eyes  and    as    lean   as   a 
Razor-  Back.     He  knew  the  Law  from  Soup  to 
Nuts,  but  much  learning  had  put  him  a  little 
bit  to  the  Willies.     And  his  Size  was  against 
him.     He  lacked  Bellows. 

He  was  an  inconspicuous  little  Runt.  When 
he  stood  up  to  Plead,  he  came  a  trifle  higher 
than  the  Chair.  Of  the  90  pounds  he  carried, 
about  45  were  Gray  Matter.  LHe  had  Mental 
Merchandise  to  burn  but  no  way  of  deliver 
ing  it?) 

When  there  was  a  Rally  or  some  other  Gab- 
fest  on  the  Bills,  the  Committee  never  asked 
him  to  make  an  Address.  The  Committee 
wanted  a  Wind-Jammer  who  could  move  the 
Leaves  on  a  Tree  £00  feet  distant,  j  The  dried- 
up  Lawyer  could  write  Great  Stuff  that  would 
charm  a  Bird  out  of  a  Tree,  but  he  did  not 
have  the  Tubes  to  enable  him  to  Spout.  When 
146] 


THE   ATTENUATED   ATTORNEY 

he  got  up  to  Talk,  it  was  all  he  could  do  to 
hear  himself.  [The  Juries  used  to  go  to  sleep 
on  him.  He  needed  a  Megaphone.  And  he 
had  about  as  much  Personal  Magnetism  as  an 
Undertaker's  Assistant?] 

The  Runt  lost  many  a  Case  because  he  could 
not  Bark  at  the  Jury  and  pound  Holes  in  a 
Table.  ^His  Briefs  had  been  greatly  admired 
by  the  Supreme  Court.  Also  it  was  known 
that  he  could  draw  up  a  copper-riveted  Con 
tract  that  would  hold  Water,  but  as  a  Pleader 
he  was  a  Pickerel. 

At  one  time  he  had  an  Important  Suit  on 
hand,  and  he  was  Worried,  for  he  was  opposed 
by  a  couple  of  living  Gas  Engines  who  could 
rare  up  and  down  in  front  of  a  yap  Jury  for 
further  Orders. 

"  I  have  the  Law  on  my  Side,"  said  the 
Runt.  "Now  if  I  were  only  Six-Feet-Two 
with  a  sole-leather  Thorax,  I  could  swing  the 
Verdict." 

While  he  was  repining,  in  came  a  Friend  of 
his  Youth,  named  Jim. 

This  Jim  was  a  Book -Agent.  He  was  as 
[47] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

big  as  the  Side  of  a  House.  He  had  a  Voice 
that  sounded  as  if  it  came  up  an  Elevator 
Shaft.  [When  he  folded  his  Arms  and  looked 
Solemn,  he  was  a  colossal  Picture  of  Power  in 
ReposeJ  He  wore  a  Plug  Hat  and  a  large 
Black  Coat.  Nature  intended  him  for  the  U. 
S.  Senate,  but  used  up  all  the  Material  early 
in  the  Job  and  failed  to  stock  the  Brain  Cavity.  ^. 

Jim  had  always  been  at  the  Foot  of  the 
Class  in  School.  At  the  age  of  40  he  spelled 
Sure  with  an  Sh  and  sank  in  a  Heap  when  he 
tried  to  add  8  and  7.  !  But  he  was  a  tall  Suc 
cess  as  a  Book  Pedler,  because  he  learned  his 
Piece  and  the  218  pounds  of  Dignified  Supe 
riority  did  the  Rest. 

Wherever  he  went,  he  commanded  Respect. 
He  could  go  into  a  strange  Hotel  and  sit  down 
at  the  Breakfast  Table  and  say  :  "  Please  pass 
the  Syrup  "  in  a  Tone  that  had  all  the  majes 
tic  Significance  of  an  Official  Utterance.  He 
would  sit  there  in  silent  Meditation.  Those 
who  sized  up  that  elephantine  Form  and  noted 
the  Gravity  of  his  Countenance  and  the  fluted 
Wrinkles  on  his  high  Brow,  imagined  that  he 
[48] 


THE   ATTENUATED   ATTORNEY 

was  pondering  on  the  Immortality  of  the  Soul. 
As  a  matter  of  fact,  Jim  was  wondering  whether 
he  would  take  Ham  or  Bacon  with  his  Eggs. 

i  Jim  had  the  Bulk  and  the  awe-inspiring 
Front.  As  long  as  he  held  to  a  Napoleonic 
Silence  he  could  cany  out  the  Bluff*.  }  Little 
Boys  tip-toed  when  they  came  near  him,  and 
Maiden  Ladies  sighed  for  an  introduction. 
Nothing  but  a  Post  -  Mortem  Examination 
would  have  shown  Jim  up  in  his  True  Light. 
The  midget  Lawyer  looked  up  in  Envy  at  his 
mastodonic  Acquaintance  and  sighed. 

"  If  I  could  combine  my  Intellect  with  your 
Horse-Power,  I  would  be  the  largest  Dandelion 
in  the  Legal  Pasture,"  he  said. 

Then  a  Happy  Idea  struck  him  amidships. 

"  Jim,  I  want  you  to  be  my  Associate  Coun 
sel,"  he  said.  "  I  understand,  of  course,  that  f\  ^ 
you  do  not  know  the  difference  between  a  Ca 
veat  and  a  Caviar  Sandwich,  but  as  long  as  you 
keep  your  Hair  combed  the  way  it  is  now  and 
wear  that  Thoughtful  Expression,  you're  just 
as  good  as  the  whole  Choate  Family.  I  will 
introduce  you  as  an  Eminent  Attorney  from 
[49] 


PEOPLE   YOU    KNOW 

the  East.  (Ji  will  guard  the  Law  Points  and 
you  will  sit  there  and  Dismay  the  Opposition 
by  looking  Wise." 

So  when  the  Case  came  up  for  Trial,  the 
Runt  led  the  august  Jim  into  the  Court  Room 
and  introduced  him  as  Associate  Counsel.  A 
Murmur  of  Admiration  ran  throughout  the 
Assemblage  when  Jim  showed  his  Commanding 
Figure,  a  Law  Book  under  his  Arm  and  a  look 
of  Heavy  Responsibility  on  his  Face.  Old 
Atlas,  who  carries  the  Globe  on  his  Shoulders, 
did  not  seem  to  be  in  it  with  this  grand  and 
gloomy  Stranger. 

For  two  hours  Jim  had  been  rehearsing  his 
Speech.  He  arose. 

"  Your  Honor,"  he  began. 

At  the  Sound  of  that  Voice,  a  scared  Silence 
fell  upon  the  Court  Room.  It  was  like  the 
Lower  Octave  of  a  Pipe  Organ. 

"  Your  Honor,"  said  Jim,  "  we  are  ready  for 
Trial." 

The  musical  Rumble  filled  the  Spacious 
Room  and  went  echoing  through  the  Corri 
dors.  The  Sound  beat  out  through  the  Open 
[50] 


Learned  Colleague. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

Windows  and  checked  Traffic  in  the  Street. 
[It  sang  through  the  Telegraph  Wires  and  lifted 
every  drooping  Flag. 

The  Jurors  turned  Pale  and  began  to  quiver. 
Opposing  Counsel  were  as  white  as  a  Sheet. 
Their  mute  and  frightened  Faces  seemed  to  ask, 
"  What  are  we  up  against  ?  " 

Jim  sat  down  and  the  Trial  got  under  way. 

Whenever  Jim  got  his  Cue  he  arose  and 
said,  "  Your  Honor  and  Gentlemen  of  the  Jury, 
I  quite  agree  with  my  learned  Colleague."" 

Then  he  would  relapse  and  throw  on  a  Soc 
rates  Frown  and  the  Other  Side  would  go  all 
to  Pieces.  Every  time  Jim  cleared  his  Throat, 
you  could  hear  a  Pin  drop.  There  was  no 
getting  away  from  the  dominating  Influence  of 
the  Master  Mind. 

The  Jury  was  out  only  10  Minutes.  When 
the  Verdict  was  rendered,  the  Runt,  who  had 
provided  everything  except  the  Air  Pressure, 
was  nearly  trampled  under  foot  in  the  general 
Rush  to  Congratulate  the  distinguished  Attor 
ney  from  the  East.  The  Little  Man  gathered 
up  his  Books  and  did  the  customary  Slink, 
[52] 


THE  ATTENUATED  ATTORNEY 

while  the  False  Alarm  stood  in  awful  Silence 
and  permitted  the  Judge  and  others  to  shake 
him  by  the  Hand. 

MORAL:     An     Associate     Counsel     should 
weigh  at  least  200  Pounds. 


[53] 


What  Father  Bumped  Into  at  the 
Culture  Factory 


A  DOMESTIC  Team  had  a  Boy  named 
Buchanan    who    refused    to  Work,  so 
his   Parents   decided  that  he  needed  a 
College  Education.       After    he    got   that,  he 
could  enter  a    Learned    Profession,    in  which 
Work  is  a  mere  Side-Issue. 

The  Father  and  Mother  of  Buchanan  sent 
to  the  College  for  a  Bunk  Catalogue.  The 
Come-On  Book  had  a  Green  Cover  and  it  was 
full  of  Information.  It  said  that  the  Necessary 
Expenses  counted  up  about  $180  a  year.  All 
Students  were  under  helpful  and  moral  Influ 
ences  from  the  Moment  they  arrived.  They 
were  expected  to  hit  the  Mattress  at  10  P.M., 
while  Smoking  was  forbidden  and  no  one  could 
go  to  Town  except  on  a  Special  Permit. 

"  This  is  just  the  Place  for  Buchanan,'"  said 

his  Mother.     "  It  will  be  such  a  Comfort  to 

know  that  Son  is  in  his  Room  every  Evening." 

Accordingly    Buchanan    was  supplied    with 

[54] 


THE   CULTURE   FACTORY 

six  Shirts,  two  Suits  of  everything,  a  Laundry- 
Bag,  a  Pin- Cushion,  a  Ready-Repair  Kit  and  a 
Flesh  Brush,  and  away  he  rode  to  the  Halls  of 
Learning.  He  wrote  back  that  he  was  Home- 
Sick  but  determined  to  stick  out  because  he 
realized  the  Advantages  of  a  College  Educa 
tion.  He  said  his  Eyes  hurt  him  a  little  from 
Reading  at  Night  and  he  had  to  buy  a  great 
many  Extra  Books,  but  otherwise  he  was  fine 
and  fancy.  Love  to  all  and  start  a  little  Cur 
rency  by  the  first  Mail. 

After  Buchanan  had  been  toiling  up  the 
Hill  of  Knowledge  for  nearly  two  Months,  and 
sending  hot  Bulletins  back  to  the  Old  Folks, 
his  Father  decided  to  visit  him  and  give  him 
some  Encouragement. 

"  The  Poor  Boy  must  be  lonesome  down 
there  among  all  those  Strangers,"  said  Father. 
"  Til  drop  in  on  him  and  brighten  him  up." 

So  Father  landed  in  the  College  Town  and 
inquired  for  Buchanan,  but  no  one  had  heard 
of  such  a  Person. 

"  Perhaps  you  mean  '  Old  Buck,' "  said  a 
Pale  Youth,  with  an  ingrowing  Hat.  "  If  he's 
[55] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

the  Indian  you  want  to  see,  I'll  show  you  where 
he  hangs  out." 

The  Proud  Parent  was  steered  to  a  faded 
Boarding  House  and  found  himself  in  a  Cham 
ber  of  Horrors  that  seemed  to  be  a  Cross  between 
a  Junk -Shop  and  a  Turkish  Corner.  Here  he 
found  the  College  Desperado  known  as  "  Old 
Buck,"  attired  in  a  Bath-Robe,  plunking  a 
stingy  little  Mandolin  and  smoking  a  Cigarette 
tha$  smelled  as  if  somebody  had  been  stand 
ing  too  close  to  the  Stove. 

«  Hello,  Guv,"  said  the  Seeker  after  Truth. 
"Wait  until  I  do  a  Quick  Change  and  well 
go  out  and  get  a  few  lines  of  Breakfast." 

"  Breakfast  at  2  P.M.  ?  "  inquired  Father. 

"We  had  a  very  busy  Night,"  explained 
Buchanan.  "  The  Sophomores  have  disputed 
our  Right  to  wear  Red  Neckties,  so  last  night 
we  captured  the  President  of  the  Soph  Class, 
tied  him  to  a  Tree  and  beat  him  to  a  Whisper 
with  a  Ball  Bat.  Then  we  started  over  to  set 
fire  to  the  Main  Building  and  we  were  attacked 
by  a  Gang  of  Sophs.  That  is  how  I  happened 
to  get  this  Bum  Lamp.  Just  as  he  gave  me 
[56] 


Souvenirs. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

the  knee,  I  butted  him  in  the  Solar  Plexus. 
He's  had  two  Doctors  working  on  him  ever 
since.  And  now  the  Freshies  are  going  to  give 
me  a  Supper  at  the  Dutch  Restaurant  to-mor 
row  Night  and  there  is  some  Talk  of  electing 
^ne  Class  Poet.  So  you  see,  I  am  getting 
along  fine." 

"You  are  doing  Great  Work  for  a  Mere 
Child,"  said  the  Parent.  "  If  you  keep  on,  you 
may  be  U.  S.  Senator  some  day.  But  tell  me, 
where  did  you  get  all  of  these  Sign-Boards,  Plac 
ards,  Head-stones  and  other  Articles  of  Vertu?  " 

"  I  swiped  those,"  replied  the  Collegian. 
"  In  order  to  be  a  real  Varsity  Devil,  one  must 
bring  home  a  few  Souvenirs  every  Night  he 
goes  out.  If  the  Missionaries  did  it,  it  would 
be  called  Looting.  If  the  Common  People  did 
it,  it  would  be  called  Petit  Larceny.  But  with 
us,  it  is  merely  a  Student  Prank."} 

"  I  understand,"  said  Father.  "  Nothing 
can  be  more  playful  than  to  nail  a  Tombstone 
and  use  it  for  a  Paper- Weight." 

"  Would  you  like  to  look  around  the  Insti" 
tution  ?  "  asked  Buchanan. 
[58] 


THE   CULTURE   FACTORY 

"  Indeed,  I  should,"  was  the  Reply.  "  Al 
though  I  have  been  denied  the  blessed  Privi 
leges  of  Higher  Education,  I  love  to  get  into 
an  Atmosphere  of  four-ply  Intellectuality  and 
meet  those  Souls  who  are  above  the  sordid 
Considerations  of  workaday  Commercialism."" 

"  You  talk  like  a  Bucket  of  Ashes,"  said  the 
Undergraduate.  "  I'm  not  going  to  put  you 
up  against  any  Profs.  Follow  me  and  I'll  fix 
it  so  that  you  can  shake  Hands  with  the  Guy 
that  eats  ""em  alive.  Ill  take  you  over  to  the 
Corral  and  show  you  the  Wild-Cats.  They've 
been  drinking  Blood  all  Morning  and  are  feel 
ing  good  and  Cagey.  About  3  o'clock  we  turn 
them  out  into  the  Arena  and  let  them  plow 
up  the  Turf." 

"  Is  this  a  College  or  a  Zoo  ? "  asked  the 
Parent. 

"  I  refer  to  the  Squad,"  said  Buchanan. 
"  We  keep  about  40  at  the  Training  Table  all 
of  the  time,  so  that  no  matter  how  many  are 
killed  off,  we  will  always  have  11  left.  We 
have  a  Centre  Rush  who  weighs  238,  and  you 
wouldn't  dent  him  with  a  Hatchet.  We  caught 
[59] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

him  in  the  Woods  north  of  Town  and  brought 
him  down  here.  He  is  taking  a  Special  Course 
in  Piano  Music  two  hours  a  Week  and  the  rest 
of  the  Time  he  is  throwing  Substitutes  down 
and  biting  them  on  the  Arm." 

Buchanan  and  his  trembling  Parent  sat  at 
the  edge  of  the  Gridiron  and  watched  the 
Carnage  for  a  while.  Buchanan  explained 
that  it  was  merely  Friendly  Practice. 

That  Evening  the  Son  said :  "  Father,  you 
can  stay  only  a  Little  While  and  I  want  to 
give  you  a  Good  Time  while  you  are  here. 
Come  with  us.  We  are  going  down  to  the 
Opera  House  to  put  a  Show  on  the  Bum. 
One  of  the  first  things  we  learn  at  College  is 
to  kid  the  Troupers.  It  is  considered  Great 
Sport  in  these  Parts.  Then,  if  any  one  gets 
Pinched,  we  tear  down  the  Jail,  thereby  preserv 
ing  the  Traditions  of  dear  old  Alma  Mater." 

"  Does  the  Faculty  permit  you  to  be  guilty 
of  Disorderly  Conduct  ?  "  asked  the  Parent. 

"Any  one  who  goes  against  the  Faculty 
single-handed  is  a  Fink,"  replied  Buchanan. 
*'  We  travel  800  in  a  Bunch,  so  that  when  the 
[60] 


Friendly  Practice. 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

Inquest  is  held,  there  is  no  way  of  finding  out 
just  who  it  was  that  landed  the  Punch.  Any 
thing  that  happens  in  a  College  Town  is  an 
Act  of  Providence.  Now  come  along  and  see 
the  American  Youth  at  Play." 

They  found  their  way  to  the  Temple  of  Art. 
When  the  Chemical  Soubrette  started  in  to 
sing  "  Hello,  Central,  give  me  Heaven,1'  they 
gave  her  just  the  Opposite  of  what  she  was  de 
manding.  A  few  Opera  Chairs  were  pulled 
up  by  the  Roots  and  tossed  on  the  Stage, 
merely  to  disconcert  the  Artiste.  When  the 
House  Policeman  came  he  was  hurled  30  Feet 
into  the  Air  and  soon  after  that  the  Show 
broke  up.  The  Student  Body  flocked  out  and 
upset  a  Trolley  Car,  and  then  they  went  home 
ward  in  the  Moonlight  singing,  "  Sweet  Memo 
ries  of  College  Days,  La-la !  La-la !  " 

Father's  Hat  was  caved  in  and  he  was  a 
trifle  Bewildered,  but  he  managed  to  observe 
that  the  Boys  were  a  trifle  Boisterous  when 
they  got  a  Fair  Start. 

"  Oh,  yes ;  but  they  don't  Mean  anything  by 
it,"  explained  Buchanan. 
[62] 


Preserving  the  Traditions. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

"  I  hope  they  will  explain  that  to  the  House 
Policeman  as  soon  as  they  get  him  to  the  Hos 
pital,"  said  the  Parent.  "  Otherwise,  he  might 
misconstrue  their  Motives." 

Next  Day,  when  he  went  back,  he  told 
Mother  not  to  worry  about  Buchanan,  as  he 
seemed  to  have  a  full  and  sympathetic  Grasp 
on  the  true  Inwardness  of  Modern  Educa 
tional  Methods. 

MORAL  :  Attend  to  the  Remittances  and  Son 
will  do  the  Rest. 


[64] 


The  Search  for  the  Right  House  and 
How  Mrs.  Jump  Had  Her 
Annual  Attack 


ONCE  there  was  a  Family  called  Jump 
that  had  sampled  every  Ward  within 
the  Corporation  Limits. 
The  Jumps  did  a  Caravan  Specialty  every 
time  the  Frost  went  out  of  the  Ground. 

When  the  Sarsaparilla  Ads  began  to  blossom, 
and  the  Peach  Crop  had  been  ruined  by  the 
late  Cold  Snap  and  the  Kids  were  batting  up 
Flies  in  the  Lot  back  of  the  Universalist 
Church,  and  a  Barrel-Organ  down  Street  was 
tearing  the  Soul  out  of  "Trovatore"  —  these 
were  the  Cues  for  Mrs.  Jump  to  get  her  Nose 
into  the  Air  and  begin  to  champ  at  the  Bit. 

Mother  was  a  House-Hunter  from  away 
back.  She  claimed  to  be  an  Invalid  eleven 
months  out  of  the  Year  and  took  Nerve  Medi 
cine  that  cost  $2.00  a  Bottle.  Just  the  same 
when  April  hove  into  view  and  Dame  Nature 
began  to  stretch  herself,  then  Mother  put  on 
[65] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

her  Short  Skirt  and  a  pair  of  Shoes  intended 
for  a  Man  and  did  a  tall  Prance. 

She  was  good  for  12  hours  a  Day  on  any 
kind  of  Pavements.  With  her  Reticule  loaded 
full  of  "To  Let"  Clippings,  she  hot-footed 
from  Street  to  Street.  Every  time  she  struck 
a  Fresh  Trail  she  broke  into  a  Run. 

Mother  was  looking  for  a  House  that  had 
twice  as  many  Closets  as  Rooms  and  a  South 
ern  Exposure  on  all  four  sides. 

She  had  conned  herself  into  the  Belief  that 
some  day  she  would  run  down  a  Queen  Anne 
Shack  that  would  be  O.  K.  in  all  Particulars. 

In  the  Magazine  that  came  every  Month  she 
had  seen  these  Dream-Pictures  of  Palaces  that 
can  be  put  up  for  $1,500.00,  if  you  steal  your 
Materials. 

She  had  gazed  at  the  Bunco  Illustration  of 
the  swell  Structure  with  bushy  Trees  dotting 
the  Lawn  and  a  little  Girl  rolling  a  Hoop 
along  the  Cement  Side- Walk  and  she  had  set 
her  Heart  on  that  kind  of  a  Home. 

Mother  loved  to  study  the  Plans  and  count 
the  Bath-rooms  and  figure  on  Window  Seats 
[66] 


May  1st. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

and  what  kind  of  Curtains  to  put  in  the  Guest 
Chamber. 

Every  Spring  she  found  the  Place  she  had 
been  seeking  and  gave  a  Grand  Signal  for  the 
whole  Outfit  to  begin  packing  up.  Those  were 
the  bright  vernal  Days  when  Mr.  Jump  got  all 
that  was  coming  to  him.  Mr.  Jump  was  a 
Man,  therefore  any  old  kind  of  a  Hut  suited 
him.  For  eight  years  before  starting  on  his 
continuous  Tour  with  Mother,  he  had  roomed 
over  a  Drug  Store. 

His  Apartment  had  been  one  of  those  de 
lectable  Man- Joints  where  Women  never  butted 
in  to  hide  things  and  give  the  whole  Place  a 
Soapy  Smell. 

*  The  Sweepings  went  under  the  Bed,  so  as 
not  to  litter  up  the  Hallway. 

Once  a  Year  he  had  a  House-Cleaning. 
That  is  to  say,  he  employed  a  Colored  Man  to 
beat  the  Rugs,  which  had  to  be  separated  from 
the  Floor  by  means  of  a  Shovel. 

Inasmuch    as    Women    never    came    in    to 
straighten   up,  he  knew  where   to  find  every 
thing.      He  knew  it  was    somewhere   in   the 
[68] 


THE    SEARCH   FOR   A   HOUSE 

Room  and  all  he  had  to  do  was  to  excavate 
until  he  found  it. 

Then  he  hooked  up  with  Laura  so  as  to  get 
a  real  Home  and  she  gave  him  a  new  one  every 
Year. 

Mr.  Jump  soon  discovered  that,  although 
every  Man  is  the  Architect  of  his  own  Fortune, 
the  Wife  usually  superintends  the  Construc 
tion. 

When  Mrs.  Jump  made  her  Spring  An 
nouncement  that  they  would  move  to  another 
House,  he  did  a  deal  of  Kicking,  but  he  always 
went  into  the  Wood  Shed  to  do  it.  He  sassed 
her  inwardly,  but  not  so  that  she  could  hear. 

She  was  a  Wonder  at  framing  up  Reasons 
for  hurling  the  Lease  back  at  the  Landlord. 

One  Year  she  quit  because  the  Owner  pa 
pered  the  Upstairs  with  a  Jay  Pattern  that 
cost  only  15  cents  a  Bolt.  Another  time  the 
Family  next  door  kept  Chickens.  Usually  the 
Children  across  the  Alley  were  not  fit  Associ 
ates  for  their  own  little  Brood. 

One  Time  she  quit  on  account  of  a  Cock 
roach.  She  saw  it  scoot  across  the  Pantry 
[69] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

and  that  afternoon  she  headed  for  a  Renting 
Agency. 

Father  suggested  that  instead  of  vacating  in 
favor  of  the  Cockroach,  they  offer  a  reward  of 
$100  for  its  Capture,  dead  or  alive,  and  thereby 
save  a  little  Money,  but  she  refused  to  listen. 

If  the  Plumbing  wasn't  out  of  Whack,  the 
Furnace  required  too  much  Coal  or  else  the 
Woman  across  the  Street  had  been  divorced 
too  many  times. 

If  they  squatted  in  a  low-down  Neighbor 
hood,  Mrs.  Jump  was  ashamed  to  give  her  Ad 
dress  to  Friends  in  the  Congregation. 

If  they  got  into  a  Nest  of  the  New  Rich, 
then  Laura  had  the  freeze-out  worked  on  her, 
because  Mr.  Jump  was  on  a  Salary  and  she  had 
to  ride  on  the  Trolleys.  So  she  began  looking 
for  a  Street  in  which  Intellect  would  success 
fully  stack  up  against  the  good,  old  Collateral. 
And,  of  course,  that  meant  a  long  Search. 

Therefore,  every  May  1st,  something  Red 
and  about  the  size  of  a  Caboose  backed  up  to 
the  Jumps'.     Several  husky  Boys  began  throw 
ing  Things  out  of  the  Windows. 
[70] 


THE   SEARCH   FOR   A   HOUSE 

Father  did  a  Vanishing  Act.  When  it  came 
to  lifting  one  corner  of  a  Piano  or  hanging 
Pictures  he  was  a  sad  Bluff  and  he  knew  it. 

"  How  about  Paradise  ?"  he  asked  one  day. 
"  I  understand  that  inside  of  the  Pearly  Gates, 
each  Family  has  Permanent  Quarters.  There 
are  no  Folding  Beds  to  juggle  down  Back  Stair 
ways,  no  Picture  Cords  to  Shorten,  no  Curtain 
Poles  to  saw  off,  no  Book  Cases  to  get  jammed 
in  Stairways.  I  am  sure  there  will  be  no  Piano 
Movers,  for  I  have  heard  their  Language.  Do 
you  think  you  can  be  happy  in  the  Promised 
Land?" 

"  It  will  depend  entirely  on  whether  or  not 
the  Rugs  fit,"  she  replied. 

"  Let  us  hope  for  the  Best,"  said  Mr.  Jump. 

MORAL  :  The  Queen  of  the  May  is  usually  a 
Woman. 


[71] 


The  Batch   of  Letters,  or   One    Day 
With   a    Busy  Man  f 


ONE  Morning  an  energetic  little  Man 
who  had  about  a  Ton  of  Work  piled 
up    on    his   Desk    came   down    Town 
with  a   Hop,  Skip  and  Jump  determined  to 
clean  up  the  whole  Lay-Out  before  Nightfall. 

He  had  taken  eight  hours  of  Slumber  and  a 
cold  Dip  in  the  Porcelain.  After  Breakfast 
he  came  out  into  the  Spring  Sunshine  feeling 
as  fit  as  a  Fiddle  and  as  snippy  as  a  young 
Colt. 

"Me  to  the  Office  to  get  that  Stack  of 
Letters  off  my  Mind,"  said  the  Hopeful  Citi 
zen. 

When  he  dashed  into  the  Office  he  earned 
220  pounds  of  Steam  and  was  keen  for  the 
Attack. 

A  tall  Man  with  tan  Whiskers  arose  from 
behind  the  roll-top  Desk  and  greeted  him. 

"How  are  you  feeling  this  Morning?" 
asked  the  Stranger. 

"  Swell  and  Sassy,"  was  the  Reply. 
[72] 


THE   BATCH   OF   LETTERS 

"And  yet,  to-morrow  you  may  join  the 
Appendicitis  Colony  and  day  after  to-morrow 
you  may  lie  in  the  darkened  Front  Room  with 
Floral  Offerings  on  all  sides,"  said  the  Stranger. 
"  What  you  want  is  one  of  our  non-reversible, 
twenty-year,  pneumatic  Policies  with  the  Re 
serve  Fund  Clause.  Kindly  glance  at  this 
Chart.  Suppose  you  take  the  reactionable 
Endowment  with  the  special  Proviso  permit 
ting  the  accumulation  of  both  Premium  and 
Interest.  On  a  $10,000  Policy  for  20  Years 
you  make  $8,800  clear,  whether  you  live  or 
die,  while  the  Company  loses  $3,867.44  as  you 
can  see  for  yourself." 

"  This  is  my "  began  the  Man. 

"  Or,  you  may  prefer  the  automatic  tontine 
Policy  with  ball-bearings,"  continued  the 
Death  Angel.  "  In  this  case,  the  entire  Resi 
due  goes  into  the  Sinking  Fund  and  draws  Com 
pound  Interest.  This  is  made  possible  under 
our  new  System  of  reducing  Operating  Ex 
penses  to  a  Minimum  and  putting  the  Execu 
tive  Department  into  the  Hands  of  well-known 
New  York  Financiers  who  do  not  seek  Pecuni- 
[73] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

ary  Reward  but  are  actuated  by  a  Philanthropic 
Desire  to  do  good  to  all  Persons  living  west  of 
the  Alleghenies." 

"  That  will  be  about  all  from  you,"  said  the 
Man.  "  Mosey !  Duck !  Up  an  Alley !  " 

"  Then  you  don't  care  what  becomes  of  your 
Family  F"  asked  the  Stranger,  in  a  horrified 
Tone. 

"My  Relatives  are  collecting  all  of  their 
Money  in  Advance,"  said  the  Man.  "  If  they 
are  not  worrying  over  the  Future,  I  don't  see 
why  you  should  lose  any  Sleep." 

So  the  Solicitor  went  out  and  told  every  one 
along  the  Street  that  the  Man  lacked  Fore 
sight. 

At  9.30  o'clock  the  industrious  little  Man 
picked  up  letter  number  1  and  said  to  the 
Blonde  Stenographer,  "  Dear  Sir." 

At  that  moment  the  Head  of  the  Credit 
Department  hit  him  on  the  Back  and  said  he 
had  a  Good  One.  It  was  all  about  little 
Frankie,  the  Only  Child,  the  Phenom,  the  40- 
pound  Prodigy. 

In   every   large   Establishment   there   is    a 
[74J 


The  New  House. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

gurgling  Parent  who  comes  down  in  the  Morn 
ing  with  a  Story  concerning  the  incipient 
Depew  out  at  their  House.  It  seems  that  little 
Frankie  has  been  told  something  at  Sunday 
School  and  he  asked  his  Mother  about  it  and 
she  told  him  so-and-so,  whereupon  the  Infant 
Joker  arose  to  the  Emergency  and  said :  and 
then  you  get  it,  and  any  one  who  doesn't  laugh 
is  lacking  in  a  Finer  Appreciation  of  Child 
Nature.  The  Busy  Man  listened  to  Frankie's 
Latest  and  asked,  "  What's  the  Rest  of  it  ?  " 

So  the  Parent  remarked  to  several  People 
that  day  that  the  Man  was  sinking  into  a 
crabbed  Old  Age. 

At  10  A.M.  the  Man  repeated  "Dear  Sir" 
and  a  Voice  came  to  him,  remarking  on  the 
Beauty  of  the  Weather.  A  Person  who  might 
have  been  Professor  of  Bee-Culture  in  the  Pike 
County  Agricultural  Seminary,  so  far  as  make 
up  was  concerned,  took  the  Man  by  the  Hand 
and  informed  him  that  he  (the  Man)  was  a 
Prominent  Citizen  and  that  being  the  case  he 
would  be  given  a  Reduction  on  the  Half- Mo 
rocco  Edition.  While  doing  his  150  Words  a 
[76] 


THE   BATCH    OF   LETTERS 

Minute,  he  worked  a  Kellar  Trick  and  pro 
duced  a  large  Prospectus  from  under  his  Coat. 
Before  the  Busy  Man  could  grab  a  Spindle  and 
defend  himself,  he  was  looking  at  a  half-tone 
Photo  of  Aristotle  and  listening  to  all  the  dif 
ferent  Reasons  why  the  Work  should  be  in 
every  Gentleman's  Library.  Then  the  Agent 
whispered  the  Inside  Price  to  him  so  that  the 
Stenographer  would  not  hear  and  began  to  fill 
out  a  Blank.  The  Man  summoned  all  his 
Strength  and  made  a  Buck. 

"  I  don't  read  Books,"  he  said.  "  I  am  an 
Intellectual  Nit.  Clear  Out !  " 

So  the  Agent  gave  him  a  couple  of  pitying 
Looks  and  departed,  meeting  in  the  Doorway 
a  pop-eyed  Person  with  his  Hat  on  the  Back 
of  his  Head  and  a  Roll  of  Blue  Prints  under 
his  Arm.  The  Man  looked  up  and  moaned. 
He  recognized  his  Visitor  as  a  most  dangerous 
Monomaniac — the  one  who  is  building  a  House 
and  wants  to  show  the  Plans. 

"  I've  got  everything  figured  out,"  he  began, 
"  except  that  we  can't  get  from  the  Dining 
Room  to  the  Library  without  going  through 
[77] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

the  Laundry  and  there's  no  Flue  connecting 
with  the  Kitchen.  What  do  you  think  Fd 
better  do  ?  " 

"  I  think  you  ought  to  live  at  a  Hotel,"  was 
the  reply. 

The  Monomaniac  went  home  and  told  his 
Wife  that  he  had  been  insulted. 

At  11.30  came  a  Committee  of  Ladies  so 
liciting  Funds  for  the  Home  for  the  Friendless. 

"  Those  who  are  Friendless  don't  know  their 
own  Luck,"  said  the  Busy  Man,  whereupon  the 
Ladies  went  outside  and  agreed  that  he  was  a 
Brute. 

At  Noon  he  went  out  and  lunched  on  Bromo 
Seltzer. 

When  he  rushed  back  to  tackle  his  Corre 
spondence,  he  was  met  by  a  large  Body  of 
Walking  Delegates  who  told  him  that  he  had 
employed  a  non-union  Man  to  paint  his  Barn 
and  that  he  was  a  Candidate  for  the  Boycott. 
He  put  in  an  Hour  squaring  himself  and  then 
Jhe  turned  to  the  Stenographer. 

"  How  far  have  we  got  ?  "  he  asked. 

"  <  Dear  Sir,' "  was  the  Reply. 
[78] 


The  Committee. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

Just  then  he  got  the  Last  Straw — a  bewil 
dered  Kufus  with  a  Letter  of  Introduction. 
That  took  40  Minutes.  When  Rufe  walked 
out,  the  Busy  Man  fell  with  his  Face  among 
the  unanswered  Letters. 

"  Call  a  Cab,"  he  said. 

"  The  'Phone  is  out  of  order,"  was  the  Reply. 

"  Ring  for  a  Messenger,"  he  said. 

She  pulled  the  Bu//er  and  in  20  minutes 
there  slowly  entered  a  boy  from  the  Telegraph 
Office. 

The  Man  let  out  a  low  Howl  like  that  of  a 
Prairie  Wolf  and  ran  from  the  Office.  When 
he  arrived  at  Home  he  threw  his  Hat  at  the 
Rack  and  then  made  the  Children  back  into 
the  Corner  and  keep  quiet.  His  Wife  told 
around  that  Henry  was  Working  too  hard. 

MORAL  :  Work  is  a  Snap,  but  the  Intermis 
sions  do  up  the  Nervous  System. 


[80] 


The  Sickly  Dream  and  How  It   Was 
Doctored  Up 


ONE  Day  a  pure  white  Soul  that  made 
Sonnets  by  hand  was  sitting  in  his 
Apartment  embroidering  a  Canto.  He 
had  all  the  Curtains  drawn  and  was  sitting 
beside  a  Shaded  Candle  waiting  for  the  Muse 
to  keep  her  Appointment.  He  wore  an  Azure 
Dressing-Gown.  Occasionally  he  wept,  drying 
his  Eyes  on  a  Salmon  Pink  Handkerchief  bor 
dered  with  yellow  Morning  Glories.  Any  one 
could  tell  by  looking  at  him  that  he  was  a 
delicate  Organism  and  had  been  raised  a 
Pet. 

Presently  he  put  his  left  Hand  to  his  Brow 
and  began  to  indite  with  a  pearl-handled  Pen 
on  Red  Paper.  Then  there  was  a  Ring  at  the 
Bell. 

«  Oh,  Fudge  !  "  said   the   Author.     "  That 
distressing  Sound  !     And  just  when  I  was  be 
ginning  to  generate  Ethereal   Vapor. 
after  I  shall  order  the  vulgar  Tradespeople  to 
[81] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

deliver  all  Marshmallows  at  the  Servants'  En- 
\  trance." 

He  began  to  write  again,  reviving  himself  at 
the  end  of  each  Word,  by  means  of  Smelling 
Salts.  He  did  not  see  the  Artist  standing  in 
the  Doorway. 

The  Artist  was  a  muscular  Person  with  an 
Ashen  Complexion  and  a  Suit  that  was  not 
large  enough  to  show  the  entire  Pattern.  He 
carried  a  Bludgeon  with  a  Horse's  Head  on  it. 
In  order  to  attract  the  Attention  of  Mr. 
Swinburne,  he  whistled  through  his  Teeth, 
whereupon  the  Author  jumped  over  the  Table 
and  fell  among  the  Rugs,  faintly  calling 
"Mother!  Mother!" 

"  Cut  it  out ! "  exclaimed  the  Artist. 
"  What's  matter  ?  Huh  ?  " 

"  Oh,  how  you  startled  me,"  said  the  Author 
sitting  up  among  the  Rugs.  "Just  as  you 
came  in  I  was  writing  about  the  Fays  and  the 
Elfins.  I  was  in  the  deep  Greenwood,  the  vel 
vet  Sward  kissing  my  wan  Cheek  and  the 
Leaves  whispering  overhead." 

"  I  see,"  said  the  Artist.  "  A  Dark  Change 
[82] 


The  Author. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

from  an  Interior  to  a  Wood  Set.  That's  all 
right  if  you  can  do  it  quick.  Who  did  you 
say  you  was  doing  it  for — the  Fays  ?  " 

"  I  mentioned  the  Fays  and  Elfins,"  replied 
the  Author. 

66  I've  heard  of  the  Fays,"  said  the  Artist. 
"They're  out  on  the  Orpheum  Circuit  now. 
But  the  Elfins — no.  What  kind  of  a  Turn  do 
they  do  ?  " 

"  Ah,  the  Elfins !  "  said  the  Author.  "  They 
dance  in  the  Moonlight  and  skip  from  Tree  to 
Tree. 

"  Acrobatic  Stuff'  with  Light  Effects,  eh  ? 
Well,  you're  on  a  couple  of  Mackerels.  I 
never  see  any  Benders  that  could  get  away  with 
a  Talking  Act.  You  want  to  give  your  Piece 
to  somebody  that  can  Boost  you.  You  write 
a  good  gingery  Skit  for  me  and  Miss  Fromage 
and  we'll  put  your  Name  on  a  Three- Sheet  in 
Letters  big  enough  to  scare  a  Horse." 

"  I  gather  from  the  somewhat  technical 
Character  of  your  Conversation,  my  dear  sir, 
that  you  are  associated  with  the  Drama,"  said 
the  Author. 

[84] 


THE    SICKLY   DREAM 

"  Is  it  a  Kid  ?  "  asked  the  Artist.  "  Wuzn't 
you  ever  in  Front  ?  Don't  you  look  at  the 
Pictures  in  the  Windows  ?  I'm  Rank,  of  Rank 
and  Fromage.  Miss  Fromage  is  the  other 
half  this  Season,  and  if  you  seen  her  a  Block 
off  you'd  say,  '  Is  it  or  ain't  it  Lillian  Rus 
sell  ? '  We've  j  ust  closed  with  McGoohan's 
Boisterous  Burlesquers.  We  was  so  strong 
that  we  killed  the  rest  of  the  Bill,  so  we  got 
the  Blue  Envelope.  Now  they're  using  all  our 
Business,  including  the  Gag  about  the  Custard 
Pie." 

"  To  what  am  I  indebted  for  the  Honor  of 
this  Visit  ?  "  asked  the  Author. 

"  I  heard  that  you  was  a  Litry  Mug  and 
I'm  around  here  to  see  you  about  a  Sketch  for 
me  and  Miss  Fromage.  The  one  I've  got  now 
is  all  right,  but  in  it  I've  got  to  eat  8  hard- 
boiled  Eggs,  and  with  4  shows  a  Day  that's 
askin'  too  much  of  any  Artist.  This  Sketch 
was  wrote  for  us  by  the  Man  that  handles  the 
Transfer  Baggage  at  Bucyrus.  He  fixed  it  up 
while  we  was  waitin'  for  a  Train.  I've  been 
using  it  since  1882  and  it  goes  just  as  strong 
[85] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

as  ever,  but  I  like  to  get  new  Stuff  once  in  a 
while.  So  I  want  you  to  fake  up  something 
that'll  kill  'em  right  in  their  Seats.  Kerens 
the  Scenario :  My  Wife's  a  Society  Girl  and 
I'm  supposed  to  be  a  Dead  Swell  that's  come 
to  take  her  to  a  Masquerade.  With  that  to 
work  on,  all  you  need  to  do  is  to  /ill  in  the 
Talk." 

"  I  have  recently  prepared  a  One- Act  Play, 
but  I  am  not  sure  that  it  will  meet  your  Require 
ments;1  said  the  Author.  "  It  is  called  «  The 
Language  of  Flowers.'  There  are  three  Char 
acters  in  the  Play — a  young  Shepherd  named 
Ethelbert,  the  Lady  Gwendolin  and  a  Waiting 
Maid." 

"  We  couldn't  carry  three  People,"  said  the 
Artist.  "  You'd  better  use  a  Dummy  instead 
of  the  Hired  Girl.  I  do  an  awful  funny  Wras- 
sle  with  a  Dummy.  Go  ahead  and  slip  me  the 
Plot." 

"  It  is  an  idyllic  Thing,"  said  the  Author. 

"  Ethelbert  is  in  love  with  Gwendolin,  but  he 

is   not   certain   that  his  Love   is  reciprocated. 

So  he  sends   her  the  Flowers.     The  waiting- 

[86] 


THE   SICKLY   DREAM 

maid  brings  tncm  into  the  Bovver  where  Lady 
Gwendolin  is  seated  and  with  them  a  Scroll  of 
Verses  from  Ethelbert.  The  Lady  Gwendolin 
unrolls  the  Scroll  and  reads : 

"  '  Traced  in  the  Veins  of  the  Petals 
Are  the  Lines  I  fain  would  speak 
And  breathing  low  in  the  perfumed  Leaves 
Is  the  Name 

"Hold  on,"  said  the  Artist.  "That's  a 
Cinch.  Have  a  Stage-Hand  come  on  with  the 
Flowers.  Lottie  says,  '  I  know  who  sent  these,' 
and  so  on  and  so  on,  and  his  Nobs  gets  off.  Then 
her  alone  with  the  big  arm-load  of  Hollyhawks, 
that  I'm  supposed  to  be  sendin'  her — savvy  ? 
She  says,  '  Well,  there's  no  three  ways  about 
it,  I've  got  this  Gazabo  dead  to  Rights. '  She 
goes  on  to  talk  about  Me,  leading  up  to  her 
song,  'John  L.  will  be  our  Champion  once 
again.'  Bing !  The  Door-Bell  Brings.  Then 
UK;  on  quick,  see  ?  I've  thought  out  a  Make- 
Up  that's  sure  to  get  a  Holler  the  Minute  I 
come  on.  I  wear  a  pair  of  Pants  made  out  of 
[87] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

Tin  Foil,  a  Fur  Coat  with  Lace  around  the 
Bottom  and  on  my  Head  I  wear  a  Coal-scuttle 
with  some  Sleigh-Bells  fastened  to  it.  As  I 
come  down  Stage  I  make  some  crack  about  just 
escapin'  from  a  Business  College.  When  I  see 
the  Doll,  I  go  over  and  slap  her  on  the  Back, 
pull  out  a  Sprinklin'  Can  and  water  the  Flow 
ers.  You'll  have  to  fix  me  up  a  Line  to  intro 
duce  the  Sprinkler.  As  soon  as  she  sees  me,  she 
gets  stuck,  so  she  hands  me  one  of  the  Flow 
ers.  I  say,  '  Ah,  a  night-blooming  Pazizum ' 
— then  I  take  a  Salt-Cellar  out  of  my  Vest  and 
shake  some  Salt  on  the  Flower  and  eat  it.  I 
done  that  with  a  Piece  called  *  A  Boiled  Din 
ner,'  and  it  always  went  big.  When  she  sees 
me  eat  the  Flower,  that  makes  her  sore,  under 
stand  ?  She  comes  at  me  with  a  right-hand 
Pass.  1  fall  over  a  Chair  and  do  a  Head 
Spin.  You  fix  up  a  strong  Line  for  me 
just  as  I  go  over  the  Chair.  Then — What's 
the  matter,  Cull  ?  Here,  Bud,  open  your 
Eyes ! " 

The  Author  had  fallen  in  a  Heap  on  th^ 
Antique  Writing  Desk. 

[88] 


THE    SICKLY   DREAM 

"  Hully  Chee  ! "  exclaimed  the  Artist.  "  He's 
Croaked." 


MORAL  :  A  Classic  is  never  Safe  Except  in 
the  Church  Parlor. 


[89] 


The  Two  Old  Pals  and  the  Call 
for  Help 


ONCE  there  was  a  Married  Man  who  had 
two  Friends  whom  he  had  not  given 
up,  even  to  oblige  the  Missus.     They 
were  two  Men  whom  he  had  known  since  Boy 
hood's  Happy  Days  away  back  in  Sleepy  Hol 
low.     Once  in  a  while   the  Man  would  have 
the  Two  around  to  the  House  for  Dinner. 

Of  these  two  Friends,  one  was  a  Gusher  and 
the  other  a  Grouch. 

The  Gusher  was  eternally  bubbling  over  with 
Compliments  and  Kind  Wishes.  Whenever  he 
met  an  Acquaintance  he  handed  him  a  rhetori 
cal  Yard  of  Daisies  and  then  smeared  him  with 
Sweet  Endearments.  His  talk  never  had  any 
specific  Purport.  It  was  unadulterated  Con. 
The  Gusher  should  have  been  in  the  Diplomatic 
Service.  One  of  his  hot  Specialties  was  to  get 
up  at  Dinner  Parties  and  propose  Toasts.  He 
would  hot-air  the  Ladies  until  they  flushed 
Crimson  from  the  Joy  of  being  hot-aired. 
Even  if  the  Speech  was  known  to  be  cut-and- 
[90] 


The  Gusher. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

dried  Blarney,  it  never  failed  to  swell  the 
Adorable  Creatures,  as  he  called  them. 

He  had  a  pump-handle  Shake  for  every  Man 
he  met,  and  after  the  second  Day  he  called  him 
Old  Fellow  and  inquired  as  to  his  Health  in  a 
Tone  of  trembling  Solicitude  and  picked  little 
pieces  oi?  Lint  off  his  Coat. 

"  I  know  it's  Guff,"  the  Man  would  say  after 
the  Gusher  had  passed  on,  "  but  my  Stars  I 
He  can  ladle  out  that  Soothing  Syrup  and 
; never  spill  a  Drop." 

The  Grouch,  on  the  other  Hand,  gave  a  cor 
rect  Imitation  of  a  ]}ear  with  a  Sore  Toe.  His 
Conversation  was  largely  made  up  of  Grunts. 
He  carried  a  Facial  Expression  that  frightened 
little  Children  in  Street  Cars  and  took  all  the 
Starch  out  of  sentimental  Young  Ladies.  He 
seemed  perpetually  to  carry  the  Hoof-Marks  of 
a  horrible  Nightmare.  Some  said  that  he  had 
been  Blighted  in  Love  and  had  soured  on  the 
Universe.  Others  imagined  that  his  Liver  was 
out  of  Whack.  At  any  rate,  he  was  shy  on 
Sweetness  and  Light.  His  Dial  suggested  a 
Map  of  the  Bad  Lands  and  he  was  just  out  of 
[92] 


THE   TWO   OLD   PALS 

Kind  Words.  He  could  Knock  better  than  he 
could  Boost. 

When  the  Gusher  would  arise  at  the  Dinner 
Table  to  blow  Bubbles  and  distribute  Candy, 
the  Grouch  would  slide  down  in  his  Chair  until 
he  was  resting  on  his  Shoulder  Blades.  He 
seemed  to  have  a  Calomel  Taste  in  his  Mouth 
as  he  listened  to  the  musical  drip  of  the  Mush- 
and-Milk.  That  kind  of  Language  went  with 
some  People,  but  nix  for  Sweeney ! 

The  Wife  of  the  Married  Man  liked  the 
Gusher  and  tolerated  the  Grouch. 

Every  time  the  Gusher  came  into  the  Flat, 
he  held  her  Hand  a  little  longer  than  necessary 
and  looked  into  her  Hazel  Eyes  and  told  her 
she  was  becoming  Younger  and  more  Charm 
ing  every  Day.  After  a  Woman  turns  the  30 
Corner,  those  Speeches  are  worth  a  Dollar  a 
Word,  because  she  finds  herself  Guessing  at 
times.  Husband  never  was  jealous.  He  knew 
that  the  Gusher  told  every  Woman  the  same 
thing,  playing  no  Favorites. 

When  the  Grouch  came  to  see  them,  he  said 
"  How  are  you  ?  "  and  then  began  to  Mck  on 
[93] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

the  Weather  and  tell  about  his  Rheumatism. 
One  thing  was  certain.  The  Grouch  never 
would  break  up  any  Happy  Homes.  And  it 
was  predicted  that  he  would  never  get  a  Wife 
unless  he  took  her  on  a  Mortgage. 

Every  Husband  has  a  few  Friends  who  come 
in  for  hard  Raps  from  the  Wife.  And  the 
Grouch  got  all  that  was  coming  to  him.  She 
used  to  declare  up  and  down  that  she  was 
going  to  break  his  Plate  and  revoke  his  License. 
Husband  would  remind  her  that  he  and  the 
Grouch  had  roomed  together  at  College  and 
done  the  Comrades  Act  ever  since  they  were 
Boys.  He  would  assure  her  that  the  Grouch 
was  a  Good  Fellow,  but  you  had  to  know  him 
thirty  or  forty  years  before  you  found  it  out. 
He  would  smooth  her  down  and  straighten  out 
her  Feathers  and  she  would  agree  to  give  the 
Grouch  just  one  more  Chance. 

It  came  about  that  one  Year  the  Married 
Man  got  Gay  and  swam  out  to  where  it  was 
over  his  Head.  In  his  keen  Anxiety  to  en 
large  his  Business  he  took  on  about  three  Tons 
of  Liabilities.  Ninety  days  make  but  a  fleet- 
[94] 


The  Grouch, 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

ing  Span  when  Notes  are  falling  due.  One 
day  the  Married  Man  found  himself  hanging  on 
the  edge  of  the  Gully,  with  a  Choice  of  jump 
ing  to  the  Rocks  below  or  waiting  to  be 
Scalped.  It  was  not  a  dignified  thing  to  do, 
but  he  had  to  yell  for  Assistance  and  yell 
plenty. 

He  hot-footed  to  the  Gusher,  friend  of  his 
Youth  and  God-Father  to  his  Children.  He 
explained  that  his  Heels  were  beating  a  Tattoo 
on  the  Ragged  Edge  of  Insolvency,  and  unless 
he  could  raise  the  Wind,  it  meant  a  Receiver 
over  at  the  Works,  his  Credit  evaporated  and 
the  Pianola  to  the  Hock -Shop. 

The  Gusher  listened  with  Tears  in  his  Eyes. 
In  a  Voice  all  choked  with  Sobs  he  tendered  his 
Sympathy  and  his  Sincere  Hope  that  all  would 
yet  be  Well.  He  told  him  it  grieved  him  to 
see  a  Friend  go  under  the  Rollers.  It  tore  his 
Heart.  It  did  for  sure.  In  fact  it  had  so  up 
set  him  that  he  would  have  to  go  out  into  the 
Air.  So  he  did  an  Olga  Nethersole  Exit  with 
one  Hand  over  his  streaming  Eyes,  and  the 
life-long  Friend  sat  there  with  Salt  Water 
[96] 


THE   TWO    OLD   PALS 

spattered  all  over  him  and  nothing  in  his 
Hand. 

As  soon  as  he  had  dried  his  Clothes  he  went 
to  the  Grouch  and  candidly  owned  up  that  he 
was  on  the  Waiting  List  for  the  Poor  House 
unless  he  could  borrow  enough  to  tide  him 
over. 

As  might  have  been  expected,  the  Grouch 
began  to  Roast  him.  He  told  him  that  he 
didn't  have  as  much  Business  Gumption  as-  a 
Belgian  Hare  and  a  Chump  who  would  walk 
into  Debt  with  his  Eyes  open  deserved  to  get 
it  right  in  the  Collar. 

"  If  you're  looking  for  Sympathy,  you've 
barked  up  the  wrong  Tree,"  said  the  Grouch. 

"I'm  not,"  was  the  Reply.  "I've  just  re 
ceived  enough  Sympathy  to  last  me  all  Win 
ter." 

The  Grouch  snarled  and  reached  for  his 
Check  Book. 

"  You  can  have  whatever  you  need,  but  you 
don't  deserve  it,"  he  said,  and  he  signed  it, 
leaving  it  Blank  above. 

"  In  view  of  the  Fact  that  you  have  saved 
[97] 


THE   TWO   OLD   PALS 

my  Life,  I  will  try  to  forgive  you  for  lacerating 
my  Feelings,"  said  the  Married  Man. 

They  retained  the  Flat,  but  the  Grouch  is 
just  as  Unpopular  as  ever. 

MORAL  :  A  Friend  who  is  very  Near  and 
Dear  may  in  Time  become  as  useless  as  a 
Relative. 


[98] 


The  Regular  Kind  of  a  Place  and  the 
Usual  Way  It  Turned  Out 


ONCE  there  was  a  home-like  Beanery 
where  one  could  tell  the  Day  of  the 
Week  by  what  was  on  the  Table. 
The  Stroke  Oar  of  this  Food  Bazaar  had 
been  in  the  Business  for  20  years,  and  she  had 
earned    her     Harp   three    times     over.       The 
Prune  Joke  never  touched  her,  and  she  had 
herself  trained  so  as  not  to  hear  any  sarcastic 
Cracks  about  the  Oleo.     She  prided  herself  on 
the  Atmosphere  of  Culture  that  permeated  the 
Establishment,  and  on  the  Fact  that  she  did 
not  harbor  any  Improper  Characters.     A  good 
many  Improper  Characters  came  around    and 
sized  up  the  Lay-Out  and  then  blew. 

It  was  a  sure-enough  Boarding-House,  such 
as  many  of  our  Best  People  know  all  about 
even  if  they  won^t  tell. 

The  Landlady  was  doing  what  she  could  to 

discourage  the   Beef  Trust,  but  she  earned  a 

heavy  line  of  Oatmeal.     She  had  Oatmeal  to 

burn  and  sometimes  she  did  it.     And  she  often 

[99] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

remarked  that  Spinach  had  Iron  in  it  and  was 
great  for  the  Blood.  One  of  her  pet  Theories 
was  that  Rice  contained  more  Nutriment  than 
could  be  found  in  Spring  Chicken,  but  the 
Boarders  allowed  that  she  never  saw  a  Spring 
Chicken. 

In  the  Cast  of  Characters  were  many  of  the 
Old  Favorites.  There  was  the  lippy  Boy  with 
the  Williams  and  Walker  Shirts,  who  knew 
the  Names  of  all  the  Ball-Players  and  could  tell 
when  there  was  a  good  Variety  Show  in  Town. 

Then  there  was  the  other  kind,  with  a  straw- 
colored  Mustache  and  a  prominent  Adam's 
Apple,  who  was  very  careful  about  his  Pronun 
ciation.  He  belonged  to  a  Social  Purity  Club 
that  had  a  Yell.  His  Idea  of  a  Hurrah  was 
to  get  in  a  Parlor  with  a  few  Sisters  who  were 
under  the  Age  Limit  and  sing  the  Bass  Part  of 
«  Pull  for  the  Shore." 

Then  there  was  the  Old  Boarder.  He  was 
the  Land-Mark.  Having  lived  in  Boarding- 
Houses  and  Hotels  all  his  Life,  he  had  de 
veloped  a  Gloom  that  surrounded  him  like  a 
Morning  Fog.  He  had  a  Way  of  turning 
[100] 


The  Lippy  Boy. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

Things  over  with  his  Fork,  as  if  to  say,  "Well, 
I  don't  know  about  this."  And  he  never  be 
lieved  anything  he  saw  in  the  Papers.  He 
said  the  Papers  printed  those  things  just  to 
fill  up.  The  Circassian  Princess  that  brought 
in  the  Vittles  paid  more  attention  to  him  than 
to  any  one  else,  because  if  he  didn't,  get  Egg 
on  his  Lettuce  he  was  liable  to  cry  all  over  the 
Table  Cloth. 

Then  there  was  the  chubby  Man  who  came 
in  every  Evening  and  told  what  had  happened 
at  the  Store  that  Day,  and  there  was  a  human 
Ant-Eater  who  made  Puns. 

One  of  the  necessary  Features  of  a  refined 
Joint  is  the  Slender  Thing  who  is  taking 
Music  and  has  Mommer  along  to  fight  off  the 
Managers  and  hush  the  Voice  of  Scandal. 
This  Boarding-House  had  one  of  these  Mother- 
and-Child  Combinations  that  was  a  Dream. 
Daughter  was  full  of  Kubelik  and  Josef  Hoff 
man.  Away  back  in  the  Pines  somewhere 
there  was  a  Father  who  was  putting  up  for  the 
Outfit.  Mother's  Job  seemed  to  be  to  sit 
around  and  Root.  She  was  a  consistent  little 
[102] 


The  Old  Boarder. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

Booster.  If  what  Mother  said  was  true,  then 
EffiVs  Voice  was  a  good  deal  better  than  it 
sounded.  She  said  the  Teachers  were  just 
crazy  about  it  and  all  of  them  agreed  that 
Effie  ought  to  go  to  Paris  or  Milan.  The 
slangy  Boy  with  the  rag-time  Shirt  went  them 
one  better,  and  said  that  all  of  the  phoney 
Melbas  in  the  country  ought  to  pull  for  the 
Old  Country  and  wait  until  they  were  sent  for. 
In  this  same  Boarding-House  there  was  a 
Widow  whose  husband  had  neglected  to  die. 

O 

Being  left  all  alone  in  the  World  she  had  gone 
out  to  make  her  Way,  since  which  time  she 
had  gained  about  30  pounds  and  was  consid 
ered  Great  Company  by  the  Young  Men. 

Necessarily  there  was  a  Pale  Lady  who 
loved  to  read,  and  who  stuck  to  the  Patterns 
that  appeared  in  Godey's  Magazine  soon  after 
the  War. 

Then  there  was  the  Married  Couple,  without 
any  Children  or  Furniture  of  their  own,  and 
the  only  reason  they  didn't  take  a  House  was 
that  Henry  had  to  be  out  of  Town  so  often. 
Henry's  Salary  had  been  whooped  $500  a 
[104] 


THE  REGULAR  KIND  OF  A  PLACE 

Year  and  she  was  just  beginning  to  say  Gown 
instead  of  Dress.  She  had  the  Society  Column 
for  Breakfast  and  things  looked  Dark  for 
Henry. 

For  many  months  this  conventional  Group 
of  ordinary  6|  Mortals  had  lived  in  a  Rut. 
At  each  meal-time  they  rounded  up  and  me 
chanically  devoured  what  was  doled  out  to 
them  and  folded  their  Napkins  and  broke 
Ranks.  Each  day  was  the  Duplicate  of  an 
other  and  Life  had  petered  down  to  a  Routine. 

One  Evening  just  as  they  had  come  in  for 
their  Vermicelli,  a  new  Boarder  glided  into 
their  midst.  She  was  a  tall  Gypsy  Queen  with 
about  $1,200  worth  of  Clothes  that  fit  her 
everywhere  and  all  the  time,  and  she  had  this 
watch-me  kind  of  a  Walk,  the  same  being  a 
Cue  for  all  the  other  Girls  to  get  out  their 
Hardware. 

When  she  moved  up  to  the  Table  and  be 
gan  to  distribute  a  few  sample  Smiles,  so  as  to 
indicate  the  Character  of  her  Work,  the  musi 
cal  Team  went  out  with  the  Tide,  the  Grass 
Widow  curled  up  like  an  Autumn  Leaf,  the 
[105] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

touch-me-not  Married  Lady  dropped  into  the 
Scrub  Division.  The  Lady  who  read  was  shy 
a  Spoon  and  afraid  to  ask  for  it.  The  Men 
were  all  google-eyed,  and  the  Help  was  run 
ning  into  Chairs  and  dropping  important 
parts  of  the  Menu. 

Presently  the  Landlady  came  in  and  ex 
plained.  She  said  that  Mrs.  Williams  was  in 
the  City  to  shop  for  a  couple  of  Days,  and  her 
Husband  would  be  up  on  the  Night  Train. 
Whereupon  five  men  fell  under  the  Table. 

MORAL  :  Nothing  ever  happens  at  a  Board 
ing  House. 


[106] 


The  Man    Who  Had  a  True  Friend 
to  Steer  Him  Along 


ONCE  there  was  a  well-meaning  Soul 
who  was  handicapped  by  a  true  and 
lasting  Friendship. 

Sometimes  he  suspected  that  if  he  could  be 
left  to  himself  he  would  struggle  along  from 
one  Saturday  Night  to  another  and  keep  out 
of  the  Way  of  the  Cars  and  possibly  extract 
some  Joy  from  this  Life  in  his  own  Simple 
Rube  Fashion. 

But  every  time  he  turned  around,  Friend  was 
right  there  to  tell  him  what  to  do. 

Friend  was  somewhat  of  a  Shell-Fish  in  the 
regulation  of  his  own  Private  Affairs,  but  he 
knew  just  how  to  manage  for  some  one  else. 

So  he  used  to  tell  the  Victim  where  to  have 
his  clothes  made,  and  he  would  pick  out  his 
Shirt  Patterns  for  him  and  tell  him  how  often 
he  needed  a  Drink,  and  in  other  ways  relieve 
him  of  all  Responsibilities. 

If  the  poor  Mark  wanted  to  remain  in  his 
Room  and  read  something  by  William  Dean 
[107] 


The  True  Friend. 


THE   TRUE   FRIEND 

Howells,  the  Friend  would  compel  him  to  put 
on  his  Low-Front  and  go  out  to  a  War-Dance 
and  meet  a  Bunch  of  Kioodles  who  wore  No.  6 
Hats  and  talked  nothing  but  Piffle. 

The  Friend  was  always  making  Business 
Engagements  for  him  and  then  letting  him 
know  about  it  later  on. 

And  sometimes  Friend  would  try  to  choke 
him  and  take  his  Money  away  from  him  and 
invest  it  in  some  shine  Enterprise  that  was 
going  to  pay  40  per  cent  Dividend  every  thirty 
Days. 

Friend  always  meant  well  at  that.  When  he 
selected  the  Girl  that  the  Victim  was  to  marry 
he  was  prompted  by  the  most  unselfish  Motives. 
Notwithstanding  which,  the  Victim  did  the  tal) 
Duck. 

A  Policeman  found  him  hiding  under  a  Bridge 
and  asked,  "  Are  you  a  Fugitive  from  Justice  ?  'v 

"  No,"  was  the  Reply.  "  This  is  merely  a- 
case  of  Friend." 

MORAL  :    They    never  seem    to  be  properly 
Thankful  for  all  that  we  do  in  their  Behalf. 
[109] 


The  Young  Napoleon  Who  Went  Back 
to  the  Store  on  Monday  Morning 


ONCE  there  was  a  feverish  Sure-Thinger 
who  started  for  the  Track  with  a  Roll 
about  the  size  of  a  Lady's  Pencil.  He 
wanted  to  parlee  a  $2  Silver  Certificate  and 
bring  home  enough  to  pay  the  National  Debt. 

When  he  stayed  at  home  and  marked  the 
Card  and  made  Mind  Bets  he  could  beat  five 
out  of  six.  He  estimated  that  he  was  losing  a 
Thousand  a  Month  by  fooling  around  the  Store 
when  he  might  be  out  at  the  Merry-  Go  -Round 
showing  the  Ikeys  how  to  take  a  Joke. 

And  now  Saturday  Afternoon  had  come  and 
Percy  M.  Piker  was  hanging  on  the  rear  end  of 
the  Choo-Choo  with  $7  sewed  up  in  the  inside 
Pocket  of  his  Vest,  while  in  his  Hand  there 
fluttered  a  batch  of  Clippings,  written  by  the 
Smoke  Brothers,  showing  which  ones  were  sure 
to  win  unless  something  happened. 

Mr.  Piker,  the  amateur  Gam,  closed  his  Eyes 
and  saw  himself  buying  a  real  Panama  and  a 
dozen  or  so  George  H.  Primrose  Shirts.  He 
[110] 


THE   YOUNG   NAPOLEON 

had  a  Vision  of  riding  in  a  Machine  called  the 
Pink  Demon,  with  Claire  at  his  side  and  an  im 
ported  Chiffonier  working  the  Jigger  and  mow 
ing  down  the  Common  People. 

Percy  had  two  or  three  Good  Things  that 
were  guaranteed  to  go  through.  They  had 
been  slipped  to  him  by  a  Cigar  Salesman  who 
knew  an  Owner.  They  looked  to  be  the  real 
Candy. 

When  he  arrived  at  the  Track  he  gave  up 
for  a  Badge  and  a  Dope-Sheet  and  a  couple  of 
Perfectos,  and  this  left  him  with  5  and  a  little 
something  on  the  side  for  Red  Hots.  He 
fought  his  way  to  the  Black -Board  and  de 
manded  $2  worth  of  Bright  Eyes  at  9  to  1. 
While  he  was  struggling  to  get  to  the  Fence 
he  heard  some  one  say  that  Appendicitis  was 
right  and  would  win  by  a  City  Block.  A  Low 
Moan  escaped  him.  He  climbed  over  a  large 
mass  of  Colored  People  so  as  to  get  $3  down 
on  Appendicitis.  The  Odds  were  7  to  5.  He 
got  balled  up  in  his  Arithmetic,  and  while  he 
was  waiting  for  the  Figures  to  shift  so  that  he 
could  butt  in  with  his  3,  a  Bell  rang  and  the 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

Mob  tore  for  the  Fresh  Air.  He  climbed  a 
Pole  and  saw  Bright  Eyes  doing  a  Solo.  He 
let  go  and  fell  in  a  Faint.  Bright  Eyes  had 
beaten  the  Gate  and  spread-eagled  his  Field. 
It  was  a  Case  of  winning  on  the  Chin  Strap. 
Mr.  Piker  was  first  in  the  Line,  shaking  like  a 
Corn-Starch  Pudding.  He  wanted  to  cash 
before  the  Book  failed. 

A  few  Moments  later  he  went  out  behind 
the  Grand  Stand  and  counted  up  and  found 
that  he  had  $23.  He  had  the  Panama  and 
one  Shirt.  The  still,  small  Voice  said,  "  Duck ! " 
but  he  thought  of  Claire  and  his  coming  Vaca 
tion.  There  grew  within  him  a  high  resolve 
to  clean  up  the  Betting  Ring  and  quit  the 
Mercantile  Life . 

In  the  Second  Race  there  was  a  Brown  Mare 
by  High-Low-Dreamy  Eyes  at  97  with  Fo- 
garty  up,  whatever  that  meant.  He  heard  a 
Hickey  in  a  Striped  Sweater  tell  a  red-headed 
Man  that  Josie  Jinks  would  roll  in.  Accord 
ingly  he  gnawed  his  way  up  to  the  Workman 
with  the  Pencil  and  laid  Twenty  at  3J  to  1. 
Then  he  wished  that  he  hadn't,  for  he  met  a 
[112] 


Getting  Down. 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

Friend  who  whispered  "Sassafras'"  to  him. 
Also  he  heard  some  one  say  that  Josie  Jinks 
was  three-legged  and  a  bad  Actress.  After 
which  he  went  and  put  Cold  Water  on  his 
Head  and  died  several  Deaths. 

Josie  Jinks  carried  on  her  Back  something 
just  out  of  the  Cradle  that  had  number  3 
marked  on  it.  Mr.  Piker  had  his  Chin  over 
the  Fence  and  was  wondering  if  any  one  would 
gather  up  his  Body  and  put  it  on  the  Train. 
His  Pulse  was  up  to  180  and  he  couldn't  hear 
the  Band  play. 

He  saw  them  come  past  the  first  time.  Sas 
safras  had  a  piece  of  Daylight  between  himself 
and  the  Bunch.  The  Boy  was  going  along 
under  Double  Wraps  with  a  lot  up  his  Sleeve. 
Away  back  in  the  Pocket  there  was  something 
with  a  3  on  it.  Percy  clung  to  the  Fence  and 
he  felt  the  Chill  come  up  his  Legs.  Sassafras 
had  them  smothered.  He  heard  the  Roar  be 
hind  him  and  knew  that  an  Awful  Thing  was 
being  pulled  off,  but  he  did  not  have  the  Heart 
to  look.  As  they  pounded  up  the  Stretch  he 
lifted  a  dying  Gaze  and  saw  a  figure  3  move 
[114] 


"Come  On!" 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

out  of  the  horrible  Mix-Up  and  it  was  all  over 
but  the  Cashing. 

A  bug-eyed  Maniac  with  his  Collar  to  the 
bad  was  found  wandering  hither  and  thither 
with  $90  in  his  Left  Hand.  The  Tout  had  to 
shake  him  a  couple  of  times  before  he  came  to. 
The  Tout  had  some  Goods  of  a  very  superior 
Quality.  In  the  next  Race  there  was  a  Collie 
that  had  enough  Hop  in  him  to  convert  a  Sell 
ing  Plater  into  a  Reina.  It  was  like  making 
change  with  a  Blind  Man.  Rinkaboo  was  the 
Name.  Breathe  it  softly,  as  very  few  were 
Next. 

The  Tout  said  to  play  it  across  the  Board, 
forward  and  back,  up  and  down.  He  said  that 
Rinkaboo  would  breeze  in,  that  he  would  win 
on  the  Bit,  doing  Buck  and  Wing  Steps,  that 
all  the  others  would  seem  to  be  Hitched. 

So,  Mr.  Piker  allowed  the  Tout  to  take  him 
by  the  Hand,  for  he  was  too  weak  to  resist, 
and  together  they  wandered  off  into  Dream 
land.  Piece  by  Piece  the  happy  Sesterces 
went  up.  Rinkaboo  was  played  in  all  the 
Books,  straight,  place  and  to  peep.  Mr.  Piker 
[116] 


THE    YOUNG   NAPOLEON 

found  himself  up  in  the  Grand  Stand  holding 
his  Head  with  one  Hand  while  in  the  other 
Hand  was  a  Pinochle  Deck,  suitable  for  fram 
ing.  If  Rinkaboo  finished  at  all,  Mr.  Piker 
was  a  Wealthy  Person.  If  he  happened  in 
toward  the  head  of  the  Procession,  Mr.  Piker 
would  have  to  send  for  a  Furniture  Van.  If 
he  came  First,  it  would  be  a  case  of  Hoboken 
for  every  Book  inside  of  the  Fence. 

After  it  was  all  over  and  Mr.  Percy  M.  Piker 
was  riding  homeward  with  his  Head  out  of  a 
Trolley  Window,  he  recalled  dimly  that  a  large 
number  of  long-legged  Ponies  came  out  on  the 
Track.  One  of  them  was  the  color  of  an  Old 
Glove  and  was  doing  a  Two-Step.  There  was 
about  twenty  minutes  of  Fussing  around  at  the 
Bend  in  the  Track  and  then  they  all  kited 
away  like  a  flight  of  Swallows  and  there  was 
one  Horse  in  front  and  Mr.  Piker  had  a  Con 
vulsion  and  frothed  at  the  mouth.  Presently 
the  Tonic  seemed  to  die  away  and  something- 
Blew  and  Rinkaboo  fell  down  and  stepped  on 
his  Lip.  He  came  in  about  the  time  they  were 
blowing  the  Horn  for  the  next  Race. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

And  now  Mr.  Piker  can  take  Callers  up  to 
h*s  Room  and  tell  them  how  he  stood  to  win 
$1,340. 

MORAL  :  Even  the  Best  cannot  pick  them 
every  Whirl  out  of  the  Box. 


[118] 


The  High  Art  That  Was  a  Little  Too 

High  for  the    Vulgarian    Who 

Paid  the  Bills 


ONCE  there  was  a  Husband  who  was 
stuck  on  Plain  Living  and  Home  Com 
forts.  He  would  walk  around  an 
Angel  Cake  any  old  Time  to  get  action  on 
some  Farm  Sausage.  He  was  not  very  strong 
for  Romaine  Salad  or  any  Speckled  Cheese  left 
over  from  Year  before  last,  but  he  did  a  very 
neat  vanishing  Act  with  a  Sirloin  Steak  and  he 
had  the  Coffee  come  right  along  in  a  large  Cup. 
He  refused  to  dally  with  the  Demi-Tasse.  For 
this  true  American  the  Course  Dinner  was  a 
weak  Invention  of  the  benighted  Foreigner. 
When  he  squared  up  to  his  Food  he  cut  out  all 
the  Trimmings. 

This  is  the  kind  of  Husband  who  peels  his 
Coat  in  the  Evening  and  gets  himself  all  spread 
out  in  a  Rocking  Chair  with  a  fat  Cushion 
under  him. 

He  loves  to  wear  old  Velvet  Slippers  with 
[119] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

pink  Roses  worked  on  the  Toes  and  the  Heels 
run  over. 

Give  him  about  two  Cigars  that  pull  freely 
and  a  Daily  Paper  and  he  is  fixed  for  the 
Session. 

Along  about  10:30,  if  he  can  connect  with  a 
Triangle  of  Desiccated  Apple  Pie  and  a  Goblet 
of  Milk,  he  is  ready  to  sink  back  on  the  Husks, 
feeling  simply  Immense. 

Now  this  Husband  had  a  Fireside  that  suited 
him  nearly  to  Death  until  the  Better  Half 
«v  began  to  read  these  Magazines  that  tell  how  to 
beautify  the  Home. 

Her  first  Play  was  to  take  out  all  the  Car 
pets  and  have  the  Floors  massaged  until  they 
were  as  slick  as  Glass,  so  that  when  the  Bread- 
Winner  stepped  on  one  of  the  Okra  or  Bok 
hara  Rugs  he  usually  gave  an  Imitation  of  a 
Player  trying  to  reach  Second. 

He  told  her  that  he  did  not  care  to  live  in  a 
Rink,  but  what  he  said  cut  very  few  Lemons 
with  the  Side-Partner.  She  was  looking  at  the 
half-tone  Pictures  of  up-to-date  Homes  and 
beginning  to  realize  that  the  Wall-Paper,  Steel 
[120] 


Artistic  Living  Room. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

Engravings  and  the  Enlarged  Photographs  of 
Yap  Relatives  would  have  to  go. 

One  Day  when  the  Provider  struck  the 
Premises  he  found  the  Workmen  putting  Red 
Burlap  on  the  Walls  of  the  Sitting-Boom. 

"  Why  the  Gunny-Sack  ?  "  he  asked.  "  Can't 
we  afford  Wall-Paper?" 

"  Love  of  Art  is  the  True  Essence  of  the 
Higher  Life,"  said  the  ^Esthete,  and  she  began 
to  read  a  Booklet  bound  in  the  same  Paper 
that  the  Butcher  uses  when  he  wraps  up  a  Soup 
Bone. 

"  Come  again,"  said  the  Wage  Earner,  who 
was  slow  at  catching  these  Raskin  Twisters. 

"  This  is  Art  Burlap  and  not  the  kind  that 
they  use  for  sacking  Peanuts,"  explained  the 
Disciple  of  Beauty.  "  Above  the  Burlap  will 
be  a  Shelf  of  Weathered  Oak,  and  then  above 
that  a  Erieze  of  Blue  Jimson  Flowers.  Then 
when  we  draw  all  of  the  Curtains  and  light 
one  Candle  in  here  it  will  make  a  Swell 
Effect." 

"  I  feel  that  we  are  going  to  be  very  Happy," 
he  said,  and  then  he  went  out  and  sat  behind 


Artistic  Dining-Room. 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

the  Barn,  where  he  could  smoke  his  Pipe  and 
meditate  on  the  Uncertainties  of  Life. 

Next  Day  he  discovered  that  she  had  con 
demned  his  Rocking-Chair  and  the  old-style 
Centre  Table  on  which  he  used  to  stack  his 
Reading  Matter  and  keep  a  Plate  of  Apples 
handy. 

When  he  entered  the  improved  and  modern 
ized  Living  Room,  he  found  himself  up  against 
a  Job  Lot  of  Beauty  and  no  Mistake. 

All  the  Furniture  was  straight  up  and  down. 
It  seemed  to  have  been  chopped  out  with  an 
Axe,  and  was  meant  to  hold  up  Members  of 
the  Rhinoceros  Family. 

On  the  High  Shelf  was  a  Row  of  double- 
handled  Shaving  Mugs,  crippled  Beer  Steins, 
undersized  Coal  Scuttles  and  various  Copper 
Kettles  that  had  seen  Better  Days. 

"  At  last  we  have  a  Room  that  satisfies  every 
Craving  of  my  Soul,"  said  the  Wife. 

•'  I  am  more  than   Satisfied,"   observed  the 

Treasurer.      "  I   am  delirious  with  Joy.     My 

only  regret  is  that  an  All- Wise  Providence  did 

not  mould  me  into  a  different  Shape  so  that  I 

[124] 


Artistic  Bed-Chamber. 


PEOPLE   YOU    KNOW 

might  sit  down  in  some  of  these  Chairs.  What 
are  those  Iron  Dinkuses  sticking  out  from  the 
Wall?" 

"Those  are  Florentine  Lan terns,"  she  replied ; 
"  and  they  are  very  Roycroftie,  even  if  they 
don't  give  any  Light." 

Next  she  started  in  on  the  Dining-Room. 

Rule  No.  1  for  making  Home  more  Cheerful 
is  to  put  in  a  Shelf  wherever  there  is  room  for 
one.  After  which  the  Shelf  is  loaded  down 
with  Etruscan  Growlers  and  Antique  Jugs. 

The  low-browed  Husband  could  not  tell  the 
difference  between  High  Art  and  Junk. 

The  female  Bradley ite  covered  the  Walls 
with  about  400  Plates,  each  with  a  Blue  Curly- 
Cue  on  it.  They  looked  very  Cheap  to  him 
until  he  received  the  Bill,  and  then  he  learned 
that  they  were  Old  Delft  and  came  to  $11 
apiece. 

In  fact,  after  his  Wife  had  been  haunting 
the  Second- Hand  Places  for  a  while,  he  learned 
that  any  Article  which  happened  to  be  old  and 
shopworn  and  cracked  was  the  one  that  com 
manded  the  Top  Price. 

[126] 


HIGH  ART 

She  never  let  up  until  she  had  made  the 
whole  House  thoroughly  Artistic. 

Her  Women  Acquaintances  would  come  in, 
and  she  would  show  them  the  Dark  Oak  Ef 
fects  and  the  Sea-Green  Frescoes  and  the  Mon 
astery  Settee  with  the  Sole-Leather  Bottom  in 
it  and  the  corroded  Tea- Pot  that  she  had 
bought  for  $95  and  the  Table  Spread  made 
from  Overall  Material  with  just  one  Yellow 
Poppy  in  the  Middle,  and  they  would  have  37 
different  kinds  of  Duck  Fits  and  say  that  it 
was  Grand  and  that  her  Taste  was  simply 
Faultless.  After  that  she  wouldn't  care  what 
Husband  said. 

He  was  a  fairly  patient  Man,  and  all  he 
complained  of  was  that  when  he  sat  down  he 
dislocated  his  Spine,  while  the  Brass  Knobs 
wore  black-and-blue  Spots  on  him ;  and  the 
dining-room  Table  should  have  had  a  couple  of 
Holes  for  him  to  put  his  Legs  through  ;  and 
he  couldn't  find  a  Place  in  which  to  stretch 
out ;  and  he  needed  a  Derrick  to  move  one  of 
the  Chairs  ;  and  at  Night  when  the  Moonlight 
came  into  his  Room  and  he  saw  all  the  bummy 
[127] 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

Bean-Pots  lined  up  on  the  Foot-Board  and  the 
Instruments  of  Torture  staring  at  him  from 
every  corner  of  the  Room,  he  would  crawl  down 
under  the  Covers  and  dream  of  his  Childhood 
Home,  with  the  old-fashioned  Sofas  and  the 
deep  Rocking-Chairs  and  the  big  Bureaus  that 
were  meant  to  hold  Things  and  not  to  look  at. 
However,  he  has  been  unable  to  arrest  the 
reaching-out  after  the  Beautiful,  for  only  last 
Week  she  purchased  a  broken-down  Clock — 
price  $115. 

MORAL  :    There  is  no  Place  like  Home,  and 
some  Husbands  are  glad  of  it. 


[128] 


The  Patient  Toiler  Who  Got  It  in  the 
Umal  Place 


ONCE  there  was  an  Office  Employee  with 
a  Copy-Book  Education. 
He  believed  it  was  his  Duty  to  learn 
to  Labor  and  to  Wait. 

He  read  Pamphlets  and  Magazine  Articles 
on  Success  and  how  to  make  it  a  Cinch.  He 
knew  that  if  he  made  no  Changes  and  never 
beefed  for  more  Salary,  but  just  buckled  down 
arid  put  in  Extra  Time  and  pulled  for  the 
House,  he  would  Arrive  in  time. 

The  Faithful  Worker  wanted  to  be  Depart 
ment  Manager.  The  Hours  were  short  and 
the  Salary  large  and  the  Work  easy. 

He  plugged  on  for  many  Moons,  keeping  his 
Eye  on  that  Roll-Top  Desk,  for  the  Manager 
was  getting  into  the  Has-Been  Division  and 
he  knew  there  would  be  a  Vacancy. 

At  last  the  House  gave  the  old  Manager  the 
Privilege  of  retiring  and  living  on  whatever  he 
had  saved. 

"  Ah,  this  is  where  Humble  Merit  gets  its 
[129] 


PEOPLE   YOU    KNOW 

Reward,"  said  the  Patient  Toiler.  "  I  can  see 
myself  counting  Money." 

That  very  Day  the  Main  Gazooks  led  into 
the  Office  one  of  the  handsomest  Tennis  Players 
that  ever  worked  on  Long  Island  and  intro 
duced  him  all  around  as  the  new  Department 
Manager. 

"  I  shall  expect  you  to  tell  Archibald  all 
about  the  Business,'"  said  the  Main  Gazooks  to 
the  Patient  Toiler.  "  You  see  he  has  just 
graduated  from  Yale  and  he  doesn't  know  a 
dum  Thing  about  Managing  anything  except 
a  Cat-Boat,  but  his  Father  is  one  of  our  prin 
cipal  Stock-Holders  and  he  is  engaged  to  a 
Young  Woman  whose  Uncle  is  at  the  head  of 
the  Trust." 

"  I  had  been  hoping  to  get  this  Job  for  my 
self,"  said  the  Faithful  Worker,  faintly. 

"  You  are  so  valuable  as  a  Subordinate  and 
have  shown  such  an  Aptitude  for  Detail  Work 
that  it  would  be  a  Shame  to  waste  you  on  a 
$5,000  Job,"  said  the  Main  Gazooks.  "Besides 
you  are  not  Equipped.  You  have  not  been  to 
Yale.  Your  Father  is  not  a  Stock-Holder. 
[130] 


His  Ambition. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

You  are  not  engaged  to  a  Trust.  Get  back  to 
your  High  Stool  and  whatever  Archibald  wants 
to  know,  you  tell  him." 

MORAL  :    One  who  wishes  to  be  a  Figure- 
Head  should  not  Overtrain. 


[132] 


The  Summer  Vacation  That  Was  Too 

L~  — 

Good  to  Last 


ONCE  there  was  a  Wife  who  gave  the 
Money-Getter    a    Vacation   by  going 
into  the  Country  for  a  Month.    Dearie 
took  her  to  the  Train,  and  all  the  way  she  kept 
saying  that  it  did  not  seem  just  Right  to  romp 
away  on  a  Pleasure  Trip  and  leave  him  Shell- 
Roaded. 

He  began  to  fear  that  she  would  Weaken,  so 
he  told  her  that  while  he  was  slaving  and 
humping  in  the  City,  it  would  give  him  suffi 
cient  Joy  to  know  that  Darling  was  out  in  the 
Woods,  listening  to  the  Birds.  He  insisted 
that  she  should  stay  until  she  was  thoroughly 
Rested.  Of  course,  he  did  not  dare  to  make  it 
too  Strong.  He  played  the  Self-Sacrifice  Gag 
and  threw  in  a  Dash  of  Marital  Solicitude,  and 
made  an  awful  Try  at  imitating  one  who  has 
been  soaked  by  a  Great  Sorrow.  As  the 
Missus  looked  at  him  through  her  Tears  and 
held  his  Salary-  Hook  in  hers,  little  did  she  sus 
pect  that  he  had  framed  up  a  Poker  Festival 
[133] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

for  that  Night  and   already  the  Wet  Goods 
were  spread  out  on  the  Ice. 

He  had  told  her  that  he  was  going  to  sit  up 
in  the  Library  every  Evening  and  read  Ma- 
caulay's  History  of  England.  By  opening  the 
Windows  on  both  sides  he  could  get  a  nice 
Breeze  from  the  West.  Along  about  10 
o'clock,  if  he  got  Sleepy,  he  could  turn  in. 
Why  not  ? 

It  was  a  lovely  Time-Table  that  he  had 
mapped  out.  He  submitted  it  to  Pet  before 
she  went  away  and  she  put  her  O.K.  on  it, 
even  though  her  Heart  ached  for  him.  Break 
fast  at  the  strange  Boarding-House,,  A  day  of 
Toil  interrupted  by  a  small  Bunch  of  Food  at 
the  Dairy  Lunch. 

Then  back  to  the  unfamiliar  Faces  at  the 
Boarding-House. 

Then  sitting  alone  in  the  Gloaming,  thinking 
of  the  Absent  One. 

Then  an  Hour  or  two  in  the  Library  with  the 
jovial  Macaulay. 

Then  to  Bed  in  the  lonesome  House  and 
Dreams  of  Sweetie. 

[134] 


Calling  Up  the  Pirate  Crew. 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

He  gave  her  a  Schedule  which  she  could 
consult  at  any  time,  Day  or  Night,  and  there 
by  find  out  what  he  was  doing  at  that  Moment. 
It  was  just  as  convenient  as  sending  a  Marconi 
every  Hour  or  so. 

He  held  himself  down  until  the  Train  had 
flirted  around  the  Curve,  for  he  knew  that  she 
was  watching  him  from  the  Observation  Car. 
Then  he  threw  his  Hat  in  the  Air  and  began 
to  do  Flip-Flops. 

"  O,  I  suppose  this  is  Miserable,"  he  said. 
"  I  can  see  a  very  poor  Month  ahead  of  me — 
yes — not.  Me  wearing  all  my  Bells  and  tak 
ing  a  Hurdle  every  Furlong." 

He  rushed  in  to  the  Telegraph  Office  and 
sent  a  Wire  to  her,  so  that  it  would  catch  her 
at  the  first  Station  up  the  Road.  It  said  not 
to  worry  and  to  take  a  Good  Rest  and  every 
thing  was  moving  along  about  the  same  as 
usual.  With  Love  and  Kisses. 

After  which  he  went  over  to  the  Brewery  to 
see  if  they  would  make  a  Reduction  on  Whole 
sale  Orders. 

Hubby  went  up  street  with  his  Straw  dipped 
[136] 


THE   SUMMER  VACATION 

down  in  Front,  the  same  as  the  College  Rake? 
wear  them,  and  his  Coat  was  thrown  wide 
open  to  show  the  dizzy  Pleats.  His  Cuban 
Blood  was  all  het  up  and  he  told  himself 
that  he  was  19  years  old  and  never  had  a 
Home. 

Oh,  but  he  was  Nifty.  He  was  out  of  the 
Corral  and  into  the  Red  Clover  and  nix  any 
Halter  and  Box  Stall  for  him.  At  least  not 
for  a  Month. 

It  happened  that  he  had  the  usual  number 
of  disreputable  Friends.  They  were  All  Right, 
but  he  did  not  dare  to  have  them  up  to  the 
House,  because  Angel-Face  had  investigated 
them  and  returned  True  Bills.  They  were  a 
little  too  Gamey  for  Presbyterian  Circles,  but 
they  fitted  right  in  at  any  Function  where 
every  man  takes  off  his  Coat. 

Husband  began  to  use  the  Telephone,  and  in 
the  course  of  an  Hour  he  had  organized  a  Pi 
rate  Crew  that  would  go  as  far  as  you  like  at 
any  Game  from  Pitch-and-Toss  to  Manslaugh 
ter. 

For  when  a  decent  Married  Man  does  start 
[137] 


PEOPLE   YOU    KNOW 

out  to  find  something  different  from  the  calm 
Joys  of  connubing  in  a  Side  Street,  he  is  the 
Village  Limit. 

Husband  had  the  whole  Shop  to  himself. 
He  employed  a  Senegambian  who  was  a  good 
two-handed  Worker  with  the  Corkscrew.  Then 
he  had  $40  worth  of  Dutch  Lunch  sent  in  from 
the  Rathskeller  and  arranged  the  Stacks  of 
Reds,  Whites,  and  Blues.  He  told  himself 
that  the  only  True  Enjoyment  was  found  in 
Bachelor's  Hall. 

His  Hickey  Acquaintances  came  in,  showing 
more  or  less  Stage  Fright,  as  they  were  not 
accustomed  to  seeing  Rugs  and  Tidies.  They 
told  him  that  he  had  a  Swell  Joint.  After 
they  had  been  to  the  Tea  a  couple  of  times 
they  began  to  peel  and  one  of  them  started 
some  rowdy  Work  on  the  Piano.  Another 
backed  into  a  $30  Statuette  and  put  it  out  of 
Business  and  then  offered  to  pay  for  it,  but  the 
Host  said  it  cost  only  98  cents  at  a  Bargain 
Sale. 

At  10  P.M.  the  Wife,  who  was  in  Upper 
Seven,  referred    to   her   Time-Table  and    saw 
[138] 


Instead  of  Macaulay. 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

Papa  sitting  by  the  Student's  Lamp,  reading 
Macaulay.  She  had  no  way  of  knowing  that 
Papa  had  just  been  strung  for  a  Month's  Rent 
in  a  Progressive  Jack  Pot. 

In  the  Morning  when  Papa  arose  and  looked 
at  the  cold  Welsh  Rabbits  and  saw  the  Cigar 
Ashes  all  over  the  Place  and  when  he  had  a 
Taste  as  if  he  were  taking  care  of  a  Lap-Robe, 
the  glad  Bohemian  Existence  did  not  look  as 
Good  to  him  as  it  had  when  lighted  up  the 
Night  before.  Especially  as  he  had  got  the 
Zoop  for  some  80  Buckerines. 

Still,  there  is  no  one  case  of  Remorse  that  is 
going  to  head  off  a  Man  who  wants  to  be  re 
juvenated.  He  pulled  himself  together  on  the 
Second  Day  and  resumed  the  Merry  Clip  and 
there  was  nothing  doing  in  the  Macaulay  Line. 
Home  did  not  get  him  until  the  Lights  had 
winked  out  in  the  other  Places.  He  would 
not  leave  the  Stag  Club  or  the  German  Garden, 
until  they  began  putting  the  Chairs  on  the 
Tables. 

For  the  first  two  Weeks  it  was  immense.  In 
time,  however,  it  struck  him  that  there  was  a 
[140] 


THE   SUMMER   VACATION 

certain  Monotony  in  spending  one's  Money  on 
the  Night  Owls  and  showing  up  with  the  Milk 
man.  The  Poker  Players  were  into  him  and 
he  began  to  suspect  that  he  needed  a  Guardian. 

Like  every  other  Man  who  sends  his  Wife 
to  a  Summer  Place,  he  ended  his  Hurrah  by 
making  a  few  Resolutions  and  begging  her  to 
come  Home. 

And  she  will  always  believe  that  he  did  the 
Macaulay  Act  every  Evening  while  she  was 
away.  Which  is  just  as  well. 

MORAL  :  In  order  to  put  a  true  Value  on 
Civilization,  one  should  pace  a  few  Heats  with 
the  Indians  now  and  then. 


[141] 


How    an  Humble    Beginner    Moved 

from  One  Pinnacle  to  Another  and 

Played  the  Entire  Circuit 

+$$» 

A  TEAM  of  Proud  Parents  had   a  son 
named   James    Henry  Guff.      On  the 
Day  of  his  Birth  the  Wind   changed 
and  blew  in  another  Direction,  Apples  fell  off 
the  Trees,  Chickens  went  to  Roost  at  Mid-Day. 
All  Nature  seemed  to  have  been  given  a  Jolt 
by  the  Portentous  Event.     For  James  Henry 
Guff*  was  born  to  know  all  the  Brands  of  Hu 
man  Greatness.       Destiny  had  put  a   Green 
Tag  on  him  and  nothing  could  stop  him. 

When  he  was  only  18  years  of  age,  he  was 
elected  Captain  of  a  Volunteer  Fire  Depart 
ment,  which  was  a  valuable  Organization,  only 
when  there  was  a  Fire  no  one  could  find  the  Kej 
to  the  House  in  which  they  kept  the  Hand: 
Pump.  But  the  Papers  began  to  speak  of  him 
as  Captain  Guff'.  His  Intimates  called  hiir 
Cap.  After  the  Hose  Company  disbanded,  hie 
Title  clung  to  him  and  it  was  generally  be 
[142] 


THE    HUMBLE   BEGINNER 

iieved  that  he  had  been  with  Grant  at  Appo- 
mattox. 

Not  satisfied  with  a  resounding  Title,  for 
which  those  in  the  Regular  Army  have  to 
struggle  for  Years,  Captain  Guff  began  to  give 
Lessons  on  the  Flute  at  50  cents  an  Hour,  and 
the  first  thing  he  knew  he  was  a  real  Professor, 
just  the  same  as  if  he  had  gone  up  in  a  Balloon 
or  had  some  trained  Horses.  Now  over  at 
Harvard,  where  they  grow  the  English  Accent, 
a  Student  must  grind  through  a  long  Course, 
and  a  Fellowship  and  an  Instructorship  before 
he  blossoms  into  a  simon-pure  Professor. 
Which  only  goes  to  show  that  the  Real  Boy 
can  gain  by  one  stroke  of  Genius  the  Renown 
for  which  the  ordinary  Skates  must  go  forth 
and  Rustle. 

James  Henry  Guff  at  the  age  of  30  was  both 
a  Captain  and  a  Professor,  but  his  insatiable 
Ambition  spurred  him  to  go  out  and  gather 
other  Laurels.  So  he  ran  for  Justice  of  the 
Peace,  and  was  elected  the  third  time  he  ran, 
because  the  other  Candidate  pulled  out.  As 
Magistrate  he  became  custodian  of  a  Law-Book, 
[143] 


PEOPLE   YOU    KNOW 

a  Checker-Beard,  and  a  stack  of  Blank  Affida 
vits.  Once  every  three  Months  or  so  somebody 
would  levy  on  a  Cow  or  threaten  to  Assault, 
and  then  the  Judge  would  get  a  chance  to 
operate  his  Graft.  But  he  didn^t  care  so  much 
about  the  Income,  so  long  as  he  could  be  ad 
dressed  as  Judge.  He  allowed  his  Hair  to 
grow  into  a  long,  graceful  Cow-Lick  that  kept 
falling  into  his  Eyes,  and  he  looked  at  the 
Sidewalk  meditatively  as  he  went  over  to  the 
Grocery  to  get  his  Fine-Cut.  Sometimes,  when 
he  was  far  enough  from  Home,  those  who  met 
him  and  heard  him  called  Judge  thought  that 
he  was  on  the  Supreme  Bench. 

In  the  course  of  Time  he  began  to  crave  a 
Political  Job,  so  he  began  to  stump  around  in 
the  Interests  of  the  Machine.  He  Trove  out 
to  District  School-Houses  with  the  American 
Eagle  seated  on  the  Dash-Board  of  his  Buggy, 
and  when  he  got  on  the  Platform  he  waved 
Old  Glory  until  both  Arms  gave  out.  All  of 
which  went  to  prove  that  the  Machine  should 
be  kept  in  Power.  After  he  had  been  spell 
binding  for  a  couple  of  Seasons  a  Job  Printer 
[144] 


Hon.  James  Henry  Guff, 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

conferred  upon  him  the  Title  of  Honorable. 
Every  time  there  was  a  Jim-Crow  Speaking, 
then  the  Hon.  James  Henry  Guff  showed  up 
with  his  Voice  in  a  Shawl-Strap  and  also  a  fine 
Assortment  of  Platitudes.  When  the  Con 
gressman  wrote  to  him  and  asked  him  to  get 
the  Swazey  County  Delegates  into  Line,  he 
always  addressed  his  letter  to  the  Hon.  James 
Henry  Guff  and  in  the  Course  of  Time  Guff 
began  to  believe. 

But  a  prouder  Distinction  awaited  him.  In 
view  of  the  fact  that  he  had  plugged  for  the 
Regular  Organization  and  delivered  the  Goods 
at  the  State  Convention,  he  was  made  a  Colonel 
on  the  Governor's  Staff.  It  is  the  Duty  of  a 
Colonel  on  the  Governor's  Staff  to  ride  in  a 
Pullman  Car  and  take  a  Ball  every  time  he  is 
touched  on  the  Back.  Colonel  Guff  was  a 
Dream  when  he  got  into  his  $275  Uniform 
with  the  Gold  Braid  rigged  all  over  the  Front. 
He  wore  a  Chapeau  similar  to  the  one  worn  bj 
Napoleon  at  Austerlitz,  but  he  had  on  top  of 
it  seven  Tail-Feathers  of  the  Loo-Loo  Bird, 
which  rather  laid  over  anything  that  Napoleon 
[146] 


THE   HUMBLE   BEGINNER 

ever  wore.  And  when  Colonel  James  Henry 
Guff  in  his  magnificent  Regalia  and  smoking  a 
ten-cent  Cigar,  leaned  back  in  an  Open  Carriage 
drawn  by  White  Horses  and  allowed  the  Peo 
ple  to  gaze  at  him,  the  Grandeur  of  the  Spec 
tacle  made  one  forget  the  real  Horrors  of  War. 

Many  of  the  ardent  Admirers  of  Prof.  Guff, 
and  Capt.  Guff,  and  Judge  Guff,  and  Col. 
Guff  believed  that  he  had  climbed  to  the  Sum 
mit  of  Greatness  when  he  appeared  in  his  $42 
Plume.  Not  so.  One  Year  the  State  Militia 
was  to  have  an  Encampment  and  the  Governor 
gave  Col.  James  Henry  Guff  the  Job  of  buying 
all  the  Beans,  Fresh  Beef,  and  other  Supplies, 
because  there  promised  to  be  a  slight  rake-off. 
Officially  he  was  known  as  the  Commissary- 
General. 

Thus  it  came  about  that  after  Years  of  En 
deavor,  James  Henry  Guff,  who  left  the  Post  a 
poor  and  unknown  Boy,  went  under  the  Wire 
a  real  General. 

When  his  Daughters  went  away  to  Boarding 
School  and  were  introduced  as  the  Offspring  of 
Gen.  James  H.  Guff  they  assumed  a  Social 
[147] 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

Leadership.  Gen.  Guff  led  the  Grand  March 
at  a  great  many  Military  Balls.  At  a  Banquet 
costing  $8  per  Plate  he  sat  at  the  Right  of  the 
Chairman  wearing  Medals  which  had  been  pre 
sented  to  him  by  the  4th  Ward  Marching  Club. 
In  his  Address  he  always  defended  the  Soldier 
against  unwarranted  Attacks  and  protested 
against  hauling  down  the  Flag  at  any  Time  or 
Place. 

If  the  Government  adopted  a  new  Machine 
Gun,  all  the  Reporters  went  over  and  inter 
viewed  Gen.  James  Henry  Guff  about  it.  He 
wrote  a  Magazine  Article  on  the  Mistakes  of 
the  British  in  South  Africa  and  likewise  got  rid 
of  a  few  ponderous  Opinions  on  our  Policy  in 
the  Philippines. 

When  he  died,  the  Funeral  Procession  was 
two  miles  long.  The  Family  had  to  erect  two 
Marble  Shafts  so  as  to  find  Room  for  all  of  his 
Titles. 

j  MORAL  :  True  Democracy  scorns  a  Title  un- 
/  less  it  has  a  real  Significance,  with  the  Reverse 
V  English. 

[148] 


Flie  Maneuvers  of  Joel  and  the  Dis 
appointed  Orphan  Asylum 


AN  old  Residenter,  who  owned  a  Sec 
tion  of  Improved  Land,  and  some 
Town  Property  besides,  was  getting 
too  Feeble  to  go  out  and  roast  the  Hired 
Hands,  so  he  turned  the  Job  over  to  his  Son. 
This  Son  was  named  Joel.  He  was  foolish, 
the  same  as  a  Fox.  Any  one  who  got  ahead 
of  Joel  had  to  leave  a  4  :30  Call  and  start  on 
a  Lope.  When  it  came  to  Skin  Games  he  was 
the  original  High-Binder. 

Joel  took  the  Old  Gentleman  aside  one  Day 
and  said  to  him:  "Father,  you  are  not  long 
for  this  World,  and  to  save  Lawyer  Fees  and 
avoid  a  tie-up  in  the  Probate  Court,  I  think 
you  ought  to  cut  up  your  Estate  your  own 
self,  and  then  you  will  know  it  is  done 
Right." 

"How  had  I  better  divide  it?"  asked  the 
Old  Gentleman. 

"You  can  put  the  whole  Shooting-Match  in 
[149] 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

my  Name,"  suggested  Joel.  "That  will  save 
a  lot  of  Writing.  Then  if  any  other  Rela 
tives  need  anything,  they  can  come  to  me  and 
try  to  Borrow  it." 

Joel  sent  for  a  cut-rate  Shyster,  who 
brought  a  bundle  of  Papers  tied  with  Green 
Braid,  and  assured  the  Old  Gentleman  that 
the  Proceeding  was  a  Mere  Formality.  When 
a  Legal  Wolf  wants  to  work  the  Do-Do  on  a 
Soft  Thing,  he  always  springs  that  Gag 
about  a  Mere  Formality. 

Joel  and  the  Shell-Worker  moved  the  Old 
Gentleman  up  to  a  Table  in  the  Front  Room 
and  put  a  Cushion  under  him  and  slipped  a 
Pen  into  his  Hand  and  showed  him  where  to 
Sign. 

After  he  got  through  filling  the  Blank 
Spaces  with  his  John  Hancock,  he  didn't  have 
a  Window  to  hoist  or  a  Fence  to  lean  on.  He 
was  simply  sponging  on  Joel. 

This  went  on  for  about  a  Month,  and  then 
Joel  began  to  Fret. 

"I  don't  think  I  am  getting  a  Square 
Deal,"  said  Joel.  "Here  is  an  Ancient  Party 
[150] 


Over  the  Httls» 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

without  any  Assets,  who  lives  with  me  Week 
in  and  Week  out  and  doesn't  pay  any  Board. 
He  is  getting  too  Old  and  Wabbly  to  do  Odd 
Jobs  around  the  Place,  and  it  looks  to  me  like 
an  awful  Imposition." 

So  he  went  to  the  Old  Gentleman  and 
said:  "Father,  I  know  the  Children  must 
annoy  you  a  good  deal;  they  make  so  much 
Noise  when  they  play  House.  Sometimes  we 
want  to  use  the  Piano  after  it  is  your  Bed- 
Time,  and  of  course  that  breaks  your  Rest, 
so  I  have  been  thinking  that  you  would  be  a 
lot  better  off  in  some  Institution  where  they 
make  a  Specialty  of  looking  after  Has-Beens. 
I  have  discovered  a  nice,  quiet  Place.  You 
will  live  in  a  large  Brick  Building,  with  a 
lovely  Cupola  on  top.  There  is  a  very  pretty 
Lawn,  with  Flower-Beds,  and  also  an  orna 
mental  Iron  Fence,  so  that  the  Dogs  cannot 
break  in  and  bite  you.  You  will  be  given  a 
nice  Suit  of  Clothes,  the  same  as  all  the  others 
are  wearing,  and  if  you  oversleep  yourself  in 
the  Morning,  a  Man  will  come  around  and 
call  you." 

[152] 


THE   MANEUVERS   OF  JOEL 

"In  other  Words,  me  to  the  Poor-House," 
said  the  Old  Rcsidenter. 

"You  need  not  call  it  that,  unless  you  want 
to,"  said  Joel.  "If  you  choose,  you  may 
speak  of  it  as  the  Home  for  Aged  Persons 
who  got  Foolish  with  their  Fountain  Pens." 

So  Joel  put  his  Father  into  the  Spring 
Wagon  and  hauled  him  over  the  Hills  to  the 
Charity  Pavilion,  where  all  the  Old  Gentle 
man  had  to  do  was  to  sit  around  in  the  Sun 
looking  at  the  Pictures  in  last  year's  Illus 
trated  Papers  and  telling  what  a  Chump  he 
had  been. 

But  sometimes  a  Man  is  not  all  in,  simply 
because  he  looks  to  be  wrinkled  and  dodder 
ing.  Joel's  Father  had  a  Few  Thinks  coming 
to  him.  Although  he  had  been  double-crossed 
and  put  through  the  Ropes,  he  still  had  a 
Punch  left.  He  sent  for  a  Lawyer  who  was 
even  more  Crafty  than  the  one  employed  by 
Joel  and  he  said  to  him:  "There  is  a  Loop- 
Hole  in  every  Written  Instrument,  if  one 
only  knows  how  to  find  it.  I  want  you  to  set 
aside  that  fool  Deed." 

[153] 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

Next  day  the  Lawyer  came  for  him  in  a 
double-seated  Carriage  and  said,  "They  for 
got  to  put  on  a  Revenue  Stamp  and  so  the 
Transfer  is  off." 

"And  do  I  get  all  of  my  Property  back 
again?"  asked  the  Old  Residenter. 

"You  get  half  and  I  get  half,"  was  the 
Reply  of  the  Lawyer. 

"Give  me  mine,"  said  the  Old  Residenter. 
"I'm  from  Wisconsin  and  I  want  it  in  the 
Hand.  Whatever  I  own  from  this  time  on, 
I  carry  right  in  my  Clothes,  and  any  Rela 
tive  who  separates  me  from  it  will  have  to 
set  his  Request  to  Music."  Then  he  went  to 
a  Physician. 

"Doc,"  he  says,  "they  are  counting  nine  on 
me,  but  I  figure  that  before  I  cash  in,  I  have 
time  to  spend  all  that  I  have.  Look  me 
over  and  tell  me  how  long  I  would  last  on 
a  Waldorf  diet.  I  want  to  gauge  my  Ex 
penses  so  as  to  leave  nothing  behind  for 
Joel  except  a  Ha-Ha  Message  and  a  few 
Heirlooms." 

"If  you  want  to  euchre  your  Family,  why 
[154] 


Second  Time  on  Earth* 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

don't  you  leave  it  to  an  Orphan  Asylum?" 
suggested  the  Lawyer. 

"Nix  the  Orphan  Asylum,"  said  the  Old 
Residenter.  "They  would  bring  a  million 
witnesses  to  prove  that  I  had  been  out  of  my 
Head  for  20  years,  and  I  wouldn't  be  there  to 
contradict  them.  I  learn  that  by  a  singular 
Coincidence,  all  the  Old  People  who  leave 
their  Money  to  Hospitals  and  the  like  are 
Mentally  Irresponsible.  In  order  to  prove 
that  I  am  in  my  right  Senses,  I  will  Blow 
mine." 

So  he  went  to  Palm  Beach  and  other  Win 
ter  Resorts,  at  which  they  charge  by  the 
Minute,  and  wherever  he  went  he  gave  a 
faithful  Imitation  of  the  Cowboy's  first 
Night  in  Town. 

He  bought  himself  a  hot  Raglan  with  a 
Surcingle  around  it,  and  a  very  doggy  line 
of  Cravats,  and  when  he  went  into  the  Din- 
ing-Room  he  picked  out  a  Table  which  com 
manded  a  View  of  the  Door  at  which  the  Girls 
came  in. 

All  this  time  Joel  was  worried.  It  seemed 
[156] 


THE   MANEUVERS   OF  JOEL 

a  Sin  and  a  Shame  for  an  Old  Man  to  go 
around  spending  his  own  Money. 

The  Residcnter  had  so  much  Fun  during 
his  Second  Time  on  Earth  that  he  decided  to 
make  it  a  sure-enough  Renaissance,  so  he 
married  a  Type- Writer  19  years  old,  that 
he  met  in  a  Hotel  Lobby,  and  then  Joel  did 
go  up  in  the  Air. 

When  she  began  to  pick  out  Snake  Rings 
and  Diamond  Wish-Bones,  the  Old  Gentle 
man  saw  that  there  was  no  longer  any  Hope 
for  Joel. 

MORAL:  When  buncoing  a  Relative  aL 
ways  be  sure  that  the  Knock-Out  Drops  an 
Regulation  Strength. 


[157] 


Two    Young  People,    Two  Photogra 

phers  and  the  Correspondence 

School  of  Wooing 


c< 

NCE  there  was  a  lovely  Two-  Stepper 
who  went  to  a  Swell  Hop  and  there 
met  a   Corkerina  who   had  come  to 
visit  a  School  Friend 

He  gavotted  a  few  Lines  with  the  Lily. 
They  found  it  very  easy  to  catch  Step  to 
gether  and  he  did  an  expert  Job  of  Piloting 
during  the  Waltz  so  as  not  to  get  her  mussed 
up,  and  the  consequence  was  that  he  made  a 
Grand  Impression. 

Whenever  a  Debutter  goes  away  to  visit  a 
School  Friend,  she  always  meets  some  Local 
Adonis  who  looks  to  her  to  be  about  60  per 
cent,  better  than  the  stock  of  Johnnies  in  her 
own  Burg.  And  after  a  Nice  Girl  has  had  a 
long  and  prosperous  Run  on  the  Home  Cir 
cuit  and  then  begins  to  curl  up  on  the  Edges 
and  show  signs  of  Frost,  she  will  find  it  a  very 
wise  Shift  to  try  new  Territory  and  the 
[158] 


The  Two-Stepper. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

Chances    are    that    she    will    make    a 
Strike. 

To  prove  that  this  is  no  Idle  Jest,  it  can  be 
demonstrated  that  the  marrying  Girl  usually 
goes  on  the  Road  a  while  before  she  closes  a 
Contract. 

The  Two-Stepper  could  not  forget  the 
Girl  from  Another  Town.  She  pulled  out 
next  Day  but  he  looked  up  the  Address  and 
sent  her  the  Dance  Programme  that  he  had 
found  in  his  Overcoat  Pocket.  She  wrote 
back  that  it  was  Awfully  Sweet  of  him  to  re 
member  poor  little  Me  and  then  she  asked  one 
or  two  Questions.  That  gave  him  a  Hunch, 
so  he  bought  a  new  kind  of  Writing  Paper, 
said  to  be  the  Latest  Agony,  and  he  wrote  a 
nice  Long  Letter  in  which  he  told  her  that 
she  was  very  easy  to  look  at,  and  that  when  it 
came  to  picking  them  up  and  setting  them 
down  in  the  Slow  and  Dreamy,  she  made  all 
the  other  Girls  of  his  Acquaintance  look  like 
a  Set  of  Cripples. 

She  returned  the  Serve  with  one  of  these 
chummy  Epistles,  written  on  all  sides  of  the 
[160] 


THE   SCHOOL   OF   WOOING 

Paper,  with  the  P.  S.  crawling  up  one 
Margin  like  a  Pea- Vine.  She  chucked  in  a 
few  mushy  Extracts  from  the  Oatmeal  School 
of  Thought  and  asked  him  the  Name  of  his 
Favorite  Poet. 

Her  Pace  was  a  trifle  Swift  for  Harry  J., 
who  had  derived  his  Education  from  the 
Sporting  Section  of  the  Daily  Papers,  but  he 
bought  a  Lover's  Guide  and  a  Dictionary  and 
decided  to  stay  in. 

The  size  of  it  was  that  little  Harry  had 
been  Harpooned  all  the  way  through.  He 
was  the  original  Sweetheart  a  la  Brochette. 
He  carried  with  him,  Night  and  Day,  a 
Vision  of  Her  in  the  $200  R^  that  she  had 
flashed  on  the  Night  of  the  Ittly.  It  never 
occurred  to  him  that  she  could  wear  any  other 
Costume.  He  would  close  his  Eyes  and  try 
to  hear  once  again  the  dulcet  and  mellifluous 
Tones  of  that  Voice  which,  to  him,  sounded  as 
Good  as  an  JEolian  Harp  moved  by  gentle 
Zephyrs  within  a  Bower  of  Orchids  costing 
$7  each. 

So  they  exchanged  Photos. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

Next  to  the  Miniature  painted  on  Ivory, 
the  Modern  Photo  is  the  prize  Bunk  of  the 
Universe. 

A  successful  Photographer,  who  has  learn 
ed  the  Tricks  and  made  a  slight  Study  of 
Human  Nature,  can  take^aGrass  Widow  of 
48,  who  is  troubled  with  Wild  Hairs  and  other 
Excess  Ornaments,  and  by  tampering  with  the 
Negative,  he  can  make  her  out  to  look  some 
thing  like  Ethel  Barrymore.  Then  she  can 
send  the  Picture  to  her  Relations  who  live  a 
long  way  off  and  they  will  never  know  the 
Difference. 

The  Girl  sent  Harry  a  High  Art  Panel  of 
herself,  in  which  she  was  looking  at  something 
in  a  Tree,  and  when  he  gazed  at  it,  he  had  a 
Palpitation  and  said,  "This  is  better  than  I 
thought  it  was." 

He  told  himself  that  it  would  be  a  Pleasure 
and  a  Privilege  to  walk  up  to  something  like 
that  the  1st  of  every  Month  and  hand  it  the 
Envelope. 

He  got  a  clean  Shave  and  put  on  his  Other 
Clothes  and  went  and  had  himself  Taken  by 
[162] 


The  Artist. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

an  Artist  who  charged  $8  a  Dozen — $4  for 
the  Pictures  and  $4  to  square  his  Conscience. 
This  Specialist  could  take  any  Set  of 
Misfit  Features  and  rearrange  them  into  a 
Work  of  Art.  He  put  Harry  in  front  of  the 
Bull's-Eye  and  scrooged  him  around  so  as  to 
blanket  the  White  Wings  as  much  as  possible 
and  then  he  told  him  to  think  of  Money  and 

took  Pleasant. 
^-WJaon  the  Pictures  were  delivered,  Harry 
realized  for  the  first  time  that  he  was  a  Beau 
tiful  Creature.  He  sent  one  to  the  Girl  and 
wrote  that  it  was  a  bum  Likeness  and  did  not 
do  him  Justice,  and  so  on. 

In  acknowledging  Receipt,  she  cut  out  the 
"Dear  Mister"  and  came  right  at  him  with 
"Dear  Friend,"  which  gave  him  such  a 
Stroke  of  Joy  that  he  did  very  little  Work 
that  Day. 

Harry  did  not  have  Gumption  enough  to 
evolve  any  deep  System  for  landing  a  Tid- 
Bit,  but  he  had  accidentally  hit  upon  the  Cinch 
Method. 

So    long    as    Courtship    consists    of    send- 
[164] 


THE   SCHOOL   OF   WOOING 

ing  idealized  Cabinets  and  exchanging  Nice 
Long  Letters,  there  is  but  little  chance  of 
making  Miscues.  He  never  drops  in  of  an 
Afternoon  to  find  her  in  a  Blue  Wrapper  and 
drying  her  Hair  and  she  never  catches  him 
smelling  of  Cigarettes. 

When  it  comes  down  to  close  Work  in  a 
Parlor,  there  is  always  the  Risk  of  having 
Herbert  Buttinsky  on  hand  to  make  his 
Party  Call.  He  who  tells  his  Love  by  U.  S. 
Mail  never  hears  anything  about  the  Third 
Party.  He  lives  in  the  sweet  Delusion  that 
he  has  bought  up  the  whole  House. 

Harry's  Letters  to  the  Girl  and  the  Girl's 
Letters  to  Harry  became  more  and  more  on 
that  Order,  until  at  last  they  began  to  burn 
holes  in  the  Mail  Bags. 

After  comparing  her  Picture  with  all  the 
Parlor  Favorites  that  he  met  on  his  Social 
Rounds,  he  realized  that  she  outclassed  all 
other  Representatives  of  her  sex. 

In  her  cosy  Flat,  far  away,  she  had  him 
propped  up  on  the  Piano  in  a  Silver-Gilt 
Frame,  and  featured  to  beat  the  Cars.  Any 
[165] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

one  who  dropped  in  to  see  her  was  made  to 
understand  that  he  was  merely  an  Under 
study,  who  was  being  used  as  a  Time-Killer. 
She  used  to  write  to  Harry  and  tell  him 
about  her  Callers  and  what  ,  Chumps  they 
were,  and  then  let  him  draw  his  own  Conclu 
sions  „  #s  to  who  was  the  real  white-haired 


Finally  Harry  took  an  Overdose  of  Nerve 
Food  and  asked  her  right  out,  would  she? 
The  answer  came  back  by  Wire  and  the  same 
Day  he  sent  a  sealed  Express  Package  con 
taining  the  Ring. 

After  which  they  began  to  -lay  Plans  to 
have  a  Wedding  and  become  better  ac 
quainted.  st 

To  be  continued  in  our  Next. 

MORAL:  Absence  makes  the  Heart  grow 
foolish. 


[16C] 


The  Married  Couple    That    Went    to 

Housekeeping  and  Began  to  Find 

Out  Things 


ONCE  there  was  a  Happy  Young 
Pair,  each  of  whom  got  stuck  on  the 
Photograph  of  the  other  and  there 
upon  a  Marriage  was  arranged  by  Mail. 

Shortly  after  taking  the  Life  Risk,  they 
started  in  to  get  acquainted.  Up  to  the  time 
that  they  moved  into  the  Arcadian  Flats  and 
began  to  take  Orders  from  the  Janitor,  he 
never  had  seen  little  Sunshine  except  in  her 
Evening  Frock. 

He  had  a  sort  of  sneaking  Suspicion  that 
she  arose  every  Morning  already  attired  in  a 
Paris  Gown  and  all  the  Diamonds. 

And  she  supposed  that  he  went  to  the 
Office  every  Day  in  his  regular  John  Drew 
effect  with  the  Folding  Hat. 

After  she  began  to  see  Hubby  around  the 
Flat  in  his  Other  Clothes  the  Horrible  Truth 
dawned  upon  her  that  he  was  not  such  a  Hoi 
[167] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

Swell  as  he  had  looked  to  be  in  the  Bunko 
Photograph. 

Sometimes,  on  Rainy  Sundays,  he  would 
cut  out  the  Morning  Service  and  decide  not 
to  Shave,  and  then  when  she  got  a  good  long 
Look  at  him,  she  would  begin  to  doubt  her 
own  Judgment. 

And  so  far  as  that  is  concerned,  there  were 
Mornings,  after  they  had  been  out  Late  to  a 
Welsh  Rabbit  Party,  when  she  was  a  little 
Lumpy,  if  any  one  should  ask. 

Love's  Young  Dream  was  handed  several 
goshawful  Whacks  about  the  Time  that  they 
started  in  to  get  a  Line  on  each  other. 

For  instance,  the  first  Morning  at  Break 
fast  it  came  out  that  her  Idea  of  a  Dainty 
Snack  with  which  to  usher  in  the  Day  was  a 
Lettuce  Sandwich,  a  Couple  of  Olives  and  a 
Child's  Cup  full  of  Cocoa,  while  he  wanted 
$35  worth  of  Ham  and  Eggs,  a  stack  of 
Griddle  Cakes  and  a  Tureen  of  Coffee. 

She  was  a  case  of  Ambrosia  and  Nectar 
and  he  was  plain  old  Ham  and  Spinach. 

It  used  to  give  her  Hysterics  to  see  him 
[168] 


Inhaling  It. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

bark  at  an  Ear  of  Green  Corn,  at  the  same 
time  making  a  Sound  like  a  Dredge. 

For  Dinner  she  liked  a  little  Consomme  en 
Tasse  and  then  a  Nice  Salad,  while  he  insisted 
on  a  Steak  the  size  of  a  Door  Mat  and  Ger 
man  Fried  to  come  along. 

They  did  not  Mocha  and  Java  at  all  on 
their  Reading  Matter.  She  liked  Henry 
James  and  Walter  Pater  and  he  preferred 
Horse  Papers  and  the  Comic  Supplement. 
Sometimes  when  she  would  wander  off  into  the 
Realms  of  Poesy  he  would  follow  her  as  far 
as  he  could,  and  then  sit  down  and  wait  for 
her  to  get  through  rambling  and  come 
back. 

If  they  took  in  a  Show  she  was  always 
plugging  for  Mrs.  Fiske  or  Duse,  while  he 
claimed  that  Rogers  Brothers  were  better 
than  Booth  and  Barrett  had  been  in  their 
Prime. 

She  could  weep  over  a  Tosti  Serenade,  and 
he  would  walk  a  Mile  at  any  time  to  see  a 
good  Buck  Dance. 

When  they  got  around  to  fixing  up  Invita- 
[170] 


THE   MARRIED   COUPLE 

tion  Lists,  there  was  more  or  less  Geeing  and 
Hawing. 

All  of  his  Friends  belonged  to  the  Hit- 
emup  Division.  Their  only  Conception  of 
a  Happy  Evening  was  to  put  the  Buck  in  the 
Centre  of  the  Table,  break  a  fresh  Pack  and 
go  out  for  Blood. 

Wifey  found  her  most  delirious  Joy  in  put 
ting  passionate  Shades  on  all  the  Lamps,  and 
sitting  there  in  the  Crimson  Glow  to  discuss 
Maeterlinck  and  Maarten  Maartens  and  a 
few  others  that  were  New  Ones  on  the 
end  of  the  Sketch. 

When  they  had  an  Evening  At  Home  up 
in  the  Flat,  it  was  usually  a  two-ring  Affair. 
She  would  have  the  Cerebellums  in  the  Front 
Room  looking  at  the  New  Books  and  eating 
Peppermint  Wafers,  while  he  and  the  other 
Comanches  would  be  out  in  the  Dining-Room 
trying  to  make  their  House  Rent  and  tossing 
off  that  which  made  Scotland  famous.  Some 
times  it  would  take  half  the  Night  to  get  the 
Smoke  out  of  the  House. 

Although  she  feared  that  she  had  turned 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

up  the  wrong  Street  while  searching  for  her 
Affinity,  the  Partnership  Arrangement  had  to 
stand. 

They  came  to  the  Conclusion  that  Married 
Life  is  a  Series  of  Compromises.  If  he  did 
well  while  sitting  in  with  some  of  his  Friends, 
he  would  divide  up  with  her  and  she  would 
take  the  Money  and  buy  Art  Pastels. 

He  would  spot  the  Afternoons  on  which  the 
*. Ethical  Researchers  were  due  at  his  Premises 
and  he  would  go  to  a  Dutch  Restaurant. 

She  permitted  him  to  have  a  Room  and  call 
it  his  Den,  so  that  he  and  his  Friends  could 
do  the  Escape  in  case  somebody  in  the  Parlor 
started  a  Reading. 

He  put  up  the  Coin  to  enable  her  to  attend 
State  Conventions,  and  when  she  was  elected 
A,   Recording  Secretary  of  the  Society  for  try- 
•^  ing  to  find  out  what  Browning  was  up  to,  he 
took   her   Picture   around  to   all  the   News 
papers  and  told  every  one  that  he  had  a  little 
Woman  up  at  the  House  who  was  as  Keen  as 
a  Hawk,  as  Swift  as  an  Eagle,  and  Sharper 
than  Chained  Lightning. 
[172] 


The  Comanches. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

He  fumbled  a  great  many  of  her  In-Shoots, 
but  that  did  not  prevent  him  from  admiring 
her  Delivery. 

Finally  they  arranged  their  separate 
Schedules  so  that  they  did  not  see  much  of 
each  other  and  they  began  to  get  along  all 
right.  Occasionally  they  had  a-  slight  Differ 
ence,  but  they  could  always  patch  it  up.  For 
instance,  she  selected  Aubrey  De  Courcey  as 
a  Name  for  the  First  Born,  while  he  held  out 
for  Bill,  so  they  had  to  compromise  on 
Aubrey  De  Courcey. 

Aubrey  is  now  ten  years  of  age.  Mother  is 
teaching  him  to  Crochet  and  Father  is  show 
ing  him  how  to  Draw  without  tipping  off 
his  Hand,  while  all  the  Friends  are  sitting 
around,  waiting  to  see  Aubrey's  Finish. 

MORAL:  The  Two  of  a  Kind  is  not  always 
the  Strongest  Combination. 


[174] 


The  Samaritan  Wlio  Got  Paralysis  of 
the  Helping  Hand 


ONCE    there   was   a   moving    Target 
who  was  strong  on  the  Brotherhood 
of  Man.     He  ran  a  little   Sunshine 
Factory  all  of  his  own.      When  it  came  to 
scattering  Seeds  of  Kindness,  the  Farm  Drill 
was  a  Poor  Second. 

Every  time  he  started  down  Town  he  would 
have  to  zigzag  so  as  to  cover  both  sides  of  the 
Street  and  glad-hand  all  of  his  Acquaint 
ances. 

From  time  to  time  he  joined  Fraternal  Or 
ganizations  and  took  blistering  Oaths  that  he 
would  always  love  his  Fellow-Man  and  stand 
for  any  Touch  within  Reason.  Consequently 
a  good  many  People  found  it  cheaper  to  send 
for  him  than  to  hire  a  Professional  Nurse. 
He  would  travel  Miles  in  order  to  have  the 
Pleasure  of  sitting  up  with  a  Corpse.  And  he 
was  one  of  the  handiest  Pall-Bearers  in  the 
Business? 

[175] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

Any  one  who  happened  to  be  nursing  a 
Hard-Luck  Story  would  hunt  up  sympa 
thetic  Jasper  and  give  him  the  Grip  and  then 
weep  on  his  Shoulder.  Usually  he  promised 
to  do  what  he  could  to  square  Matters,  even 
though  he  had  to  cut  in  where  he  wasn't 
wanted.  In  flying  around,  trying  to  re-in 
state  No-Goods  who  had  lost  their  Jobs  and 
secure  Salaried  Positions  for  Nice  Fellows 
who  were  willing  to  do  anything  except 
Work,  he  got  many  a  Jolt,  but  he  was  not 
discouraged. 

One  of  his  regular  Assignments  was  to 
arbitrate  a  Domestic  Scrap,  merely  out  of  the 
Goodness  of  his  Heart. 

In  this  way  he  managed  to  re-unite  quite  a 
number  of  Couples  who  were  afterward  sorry 
that  they  had  been  reuned,  and  what  they 
said  about  him  would  get  the  Blue  Pencil  if 
inserted  at  this  Point. 

When  a  kind-hearted  Herring  starts  out  to 
be  a  Relief  Bureau  and  First  Aid  to  the  In 
jured  and  a  portable  Home  for  the  Friend 
less,  nobody  tries  to  take  the  Job  away  from 
[176] 


A  Touch. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

him.  His  Acquaintances  do  what  they  can  to 
boost  his  Game. 

Therefore  when  any  one  in  that  Commu 
nity  sought  out  a  Busy  Man  of  Affairs  and 
began  to  unwrap  his  Tale  of  Woe  and  offer 
to  exhibit  his  wounds,  the  B.  M.  of  A.  would 
say,  "Here,  I'll  give  you  a  Letter  of  Introduc 
tion  to  my  old  friend  Jasper.  He  is  a 
Samaritan  from  away  back." 

It  came  about  that  Jasper's  Outer  Office 
was  frequently  coagulated  with  a  Choice  As 
sortment  of  Pan-Handlers,  and  all  the  short- 
winded  Brothers  who  want  to  hitch  on  to 
somebody's  else  Pull,  as  they  say  in  Boston. 

At  times  Jasper  would  become  weary  of 
having  Folks  come  along  and  turn  their  Pri 
vate  Griefs  over  to  him,  but  he  did  not  want  to 
become  a  Cynic  and  lose  his  Faith  in  Human 
Nature.  He  was  frequently  Stung,  but  still 
he  could  not  resist  any  Appeal  that  was 
backed  up  by  a  few  Weeps. 

In  the  Course  of  Time  he  came  into  quite 
a  Bundle  of  Money,  and  then  all  the  Bread 
that  he  had  cast  on  the  Waters  came  back  to 
[178] 


The  Promoter. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

him,  a  Bakery  at  a  time.  Those  whom  he 
had  succored  came  around  to  Sucker  him. 

A  Promoter  whose  Schemes  he  had  guar 
anteed,  because  the  Man's  Children  need 
ed  Shoes,  now  had  a  Chance  to  show  his 
Gratitude.  He  let  Jasper  in  on  the  Ground 
Floor  of  a  Company  organized  to  manu 
facture  an  Automobile  that  could  be  turned 
out  of  the  Shop  for  $35  and  would  run  90 
Miles  on  a  pint  of  Gasoline. 

Gentlemen  who  were  getting  along  without 
Overcoats  came  in  to  see  him  about  Mining 
Stock  that  was  sure  to  touch  Par  by  January 
1st.  The  only  Reason  they  came  to  him  first, 
instead  of  tackling  John  W.  Gates,  was  that 
he  had  always  been  a  True  Friend  and  they 
wanted  to  put  him  next  to  a  Good  Thing. 

After  one  or  twro  of  these  Gift  Enterprises 
had  been  slipped  to  him,  he  began  to  back 
water  and  be  a  trifle  Sore.  Yet  he  found  it 
very  Hard  to  be  discourteous  to  one  who  came 
in  and  did  the  Brother  Act.  Besides,  the 
Bunk  who  has  the  Joint  Note  already  made 
out  and  ready  to  be  signed,  usually  has  a  Talk 
[180] 


THE   SAMARITAN 

calculated  to  make  a  Heart  of  Stone  mellow 
to  the  Consistency  of  a  Baked  Apple. 

What  really  did  more  than  any  other  one 
Thing  to  cure  him  of  his  Innate  Goodness 
was  an  Experience  with  a  Sweet  Girl  who  was 
being  courted  by  a  Hound  quite  unworthy 
of  her. 

The  unselfish  Benefactor  who  tries  to  side 
track  Weddings  that  are  sure  to  turn  out  un 
happily  is  always  a  Candidate  for  the  Hos 
pital,  with  a  Long  Shot  at  the  Morgue. 

The  Sweet  Girl  in  Question  was  the 
daughter  of  an  Old  Friend,  for  whose  Fu 
neral  Expenses  he  had  been  landed.  She 
was  a  Confiding  Thing,  and  did  not  know  that 
the  Bachelor  who  had  started  in  to  Rush  her 
seven  nights  a  Week  was  a  Rounder  and  a 
Poker-Player  and  somewhat  of  a  Lush. 

Every  one  who  knew  the  Sweet  Girl  said  it 
was  too  Bad  and  that  some  one  ought  to  go  to 
her  and  warn  her.  After  the  Old  Ladies  and 
the  Elders  had  talked  the  Matter  over  on  the 
side,  it  was  decided  that  Jasper  was  It.  He 
was  known  to  be  kind  and  disinterested  and 
[181] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

«*ras  accustomed  to  dealing  out  Good  Advice. 
Anything  that  he  said  would  go  a  long  Way 
to  head  off  the  Deal. 

Accordingly  he  did  a  Fatherly  Talk  to  the 
Daughter  of  his  Old  Friend,  giving  her  a 
Straight  Line  on  the  Conduct  of  the  High- 
Roller  who  was  trying  to  warm  up  to  her. 

She  thanked  him  right  from  the  Bottom  of 
her  heart.  Then  she  sent  a  Messenger  Boy 
to  hunt  up  the  High-Roller,  because  she 
wanted  to  know  if  it  was  all  True  or  merely 
a  Cruel  Slander. 

When  she  sprung  his  Record  on  him  he 
leaned  right  over  against  her  and  cried  and 
said  that  no  matter  what  he  had  been,  she  was 
the  one  to  make  him  a  Good  Man.  Then 
she  stroked  his  Hair  and  begged  Forgiveness 
and  he  asked  her  who  had  been  Knocking  and 
she  gave  the  whole  Snap  away  and  begged 
him  not  to  do  anything  Desperate.  He  said 
that  whatever  he  did,  he  would  do  out  of  Love 
for  her. 

After  which  he  went  home  to  oil  up  his 
Pocket  Hardware. 

[182] 


Fatherly  Advice. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

Next  Morning  the  Man  who  wanted  to 
help  Everybody  did  a  Flying  Leap  down  the 
Back  Stairway  of  his  Office.  Just  as  he 
ducked  a  Bullet  and  cut  into  the  Alley  back 
of  the  Post-Office,  it  occurred  to  him  that  the 
True  Friend  Gag  had  its  Drawbacks. 

He  escaped  with  his  Life,  but  there  was 
always  more  or  less  Dark  Talk  of  his  being 
mixed  up  in  a  Woman  Case. 

He  is  now  what  is  known  in  Obituary 
Notices  as  a  Practical  Philanthropist.  That 
is,  he  refers  all  Hard-Luck  Tales  to  a  Society 
which  was  never  known  to  give  up.  The 
Office  Boy  has  Instructions  to  admit  only 
those  who  are  listed  in  Bradstreet.  And,  of 
course,  he  is  never  called  in  to  smooth  out 
Family  Fights  because  of  the  Blot  on  hk 
Character. 

MORAL,:  To  be  a  successful  Benefactor, 
wait  and  put  the  whole  Lump  Sum  into 
Libraries. 


[184] 


The  Effort  to  Convert  the  Work  Horse 
Into  a  High-Stepper 


ONCE  there  was  a  plain,  unvar 
nished  Yank  who  made  his  Pile  in 
a  Scrub  Town  situated  midway  be 
tween  the  Oats  Belt  and  the  Tall  Timber.  He 
was  a  large  and  sandy  Mortal  with  a  steel- 
trap  Jaw  and  a  cold  glittering  Eye.  He 
made  his  first  Stack  a  Dollar  at  a  Time  on 
straight  Deals,  but  after  a  while  he  learned  a 
few  Things.  He  organized  Stock  Companies 
and  then  crawled  out  after  hooking  up  with 
the  Velvet.  Every  one  called  him  Mister  and 
treated  him  with  Politeness,  but,  just  the  same, 
when  he  walked  into  an  Office  Building  they 
all  wondered  what  he  had  come  after  and 
there  was  more  or  less  locking  of  Safes.  It  is 
only  fair  to  remark,  on  the  Side,  that  he 
wouldn't  take  anything  which  was  securely 
spiked  down,  and  the  Grand  Jury  never 
bothered  him,  because  he  worked  under  a 
Contract. 

The  Financier  was  the  high  Centre  Pole  of 
[185] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

a  Bank  and  a  Department  Store  and  several 
Factories  that  gave  Young  People  a  Start  in 
the  World  at  something  like  $2.75  per  Week. 

He  was  accustomed  to  having  all  the  Sub 
ordinates  stand  on  one  Foot  and  tremble 
whenever  he  showed  up.  In  fact,  he  was  a 
very  hefty  Proposition  all  through  the  Busi 
ness  District.  But  when  he  struck  the  Street 
leading  to  his  House  he  began  to  reef  his 
Sails  and  lower  all  of  his  Flags. 

In  his  own  Domicile  he  did  not  even  play 
Second  Fiddle.  He  simply  trailed  along  at 
the  fag  end  of  the  Parade  and  carried  the 
Music.  The  Piercing  Eye  and  the  Peremptory 
Manner  that  caused  all  the  Book-keepers  to 
fall  off  from  their  High  Perches  and  pros 
trate  themselves  had  no  visible  effect  on  Laura 
and  the  Girls.  Popsy  was  a  High  Guy  at 
the  Directors'  Meeting,  but  a  mighty  cheap 
Souffle  at  his  own  Fireside.  Any  time  that 
his  Plans  did  not  coincide  with  those  of  the 
Feminine  Bunch,  they  passed  him  a  back 
handed  Veto  that  would  cause  him  to  lie  quiet 
for  Days  at  a  time. 

[186]        / 


Scrub  Town. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

The  Financier  loved  the  boundless  West, 
where  the  Sack  Coat  abounds  and  the  Cuss- 
Word  is  a  common  Heritage.  Domestic 
Cigars  were  good  enough  for  him,  and  he 
figured  that  one  good  reliable  Hired  Girl  who 
knew  how  to  cook  Steak  was  all  the  Help  that 
was  needed  in  any  House.  But  Mother  had 
seen  Fifth  Avenue  in  a  Dream,  and  the  Girls 
had  attended  a  Boarding  School  at  which 
nearly  every  one  knew  some  one  who  was 
Prominent  Socially.  They  had  done  a  lot  of 
Hard  Work  at  the  Piano  and  taken  a  side- 
hold  on  the  French  Language  and  it  seemed 
to  them  that  they  were  wasting  their  Time  in 
loitering  on  the  Outskirts  of  Civilization  when 
they  might  be  up  at  Headquarters  cutting 
more  or  less  of  a  Gash.  All  the  Young  Men 
in  this  Reub  Town  wore  Derbies  with  their 
Evening  Clothes  and  came  to  Dances  with 
their  White  Gloves  smelling  of  Gasoline,  in 
addition  to  which  they  lacked  Repose.  If 
they  had  stopped  to  cultivate  Repose,  most  of 
them  would  have  landed  in  the  Villa  set  aside 
for  Paupers. 

[188] 


THE   WORK   HORSE 

When  Laura  and  the  Girls  first  advocated 
pulling  up  Stakes  and  doing  a  tall  Hike  to 
the  East,  the  Producer  emitted  a  Roar  that 
would  have  frightened  any  one  except  Laura 
and  the  Girls.  They  closed  in  on  him  from 
three  Directions  and  beat  down  his  Defence. 
When  they  got  through  with  the  living  Meal 
Ticket  he  was  as  meek  as  an  English  Servant 
and  ready  to  take  orders  from  any  one. 

So  the  Caravansary  moved  away  toward 
the  Rising  Sun.  At  Wilkesbarre,  Pennsyl 
vania,  the  Heavens  opened  and  a  Great  Light 
struck  down  upon  them,  transforming  all  ex 
cept  the  one  who  happened  to  carry  the  Letter 
of  Credit.  Laura  and  the  Girls  suddenly 
forgot  that  there  was  any  Land  west  of  Pitts- 
burg,  and  they  dropped  their  R's  and  got  the 
Kangaroo  Walk  and  began  to  order  their 
Food  in  Foreign  Languages.  After  that,  all 
Father  had  to  do  was  to  follow  along  and  look 
Pleasant  and  dig  every  few  Minutes. 

The  Outfit  stopped  at  the  Waldorf  three 
days  so  as  to  obtain  a  Residence,  and  after 
that  they  Registered  as  being  from  New 
[189] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

York.  Then  they  threw  Papa  on  a  Boat  and 
took  him  to  the  Other  Side,  the  Place  where 
Americans  are  so  Popular,  if  you  don't  care 
what  you  say.  By  paying  off  the  Mortgage 
they  obtained  a  Suite  at  a  Hotel  patronized 
by  the  Nobility  and  Gentry  and  supported 
by  People  from  Iowa.  After  which  they  be 
gan  to  present  Letters  of  Introduction  and 
try  to  butt  in.  Laura  and  the  Girls  felt  that 
if  only  they  could  eat  a  Meal  once  or  twice 
in  the  gloomy  Presence  of  those  who  had 
Handles  to  their  Names,  they  would  be  ready 
to  fall  back  and  die  Happy.  They  had  some 
Trouble  about  getting  into  the  Tall  Game  on 
acco'unt  of  their  Money.  In  the  States  the 
general  Run  of  People  worship  the  Almighty 
Dollar,  but  in  England  they  hate  the  Sight 
of  it. 

In  spite  of  the  Fact  that  they  were  sinfully 
Rich  they  succeeded  in  Elbowing  their  way 
into  several  Dinners  at  which  it  was  necessary 
to  put  Ice  into  the  Claret  in  order  to  keep  it  at 
the  Temperature  of  the  Room.  The  Finan 
cier,  in  his  First  Part  Clothes  with  an  Ice- 
[190] 


Laura's  Ambition. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

Cream  Weskit,  was  a  Picture  that  no  Artist 
could  paint.  His  hair  would  not  stay  combed 
and  he  hardly  ever  knew  what  to  do  with  his 
Hands. 

Laura  and  the  Girls  could  forget  that  they 
had  once  seen  the  Missouri  River,  but  not  so 
with  Old  Ready  Money.  Right  at  the  Table, 
sitting  opposite  the  Earl  of  Hammersmith  or 
the  Marquis  of  Stroke-on-Trent,  while  Laura 
and  the  Girls  would  be  talking  about  their 
Country  Place  and  trying  to  smother  the 
American  Accent,  the  Lobsterine  would  come 
in  and  tell  about  something  that  happened  to 
him  once  when  he  was  plowing  Corn.  Then 
Laura  and  the  Girls  would  want  to  duck  right 
under  the  Table  and  die  of  Mortification  then 
and  there. 

The  only  Reason  they  put  up  with  him  was 
that  he  seemed  to  be  useful  when  it  came  to 
\_jsigning  Checks. 

In  England  they  met  a  great  many  Nice 
People.  The  Financier  knew  that  they  were 
Nice  because  they  wore  Dark  Clothes  and 
seldom  Smiled. 


THE   WORK   HORSE 

Then  the  two  shapely  Daughters  went  and 
married  a  couple  of  shelf-worn  Titles. 

The  Financier  had  the  Novel  Experience 
of  putting  up  for  a  Brace  of  Sons-in-Law  : 
who  would  not  speak  to  him  when  any  one  was 
around.  Which  served  him  right,  for  he  had 
no  Business  to  be  in  Trade.  It  was  very  care 
less  of  him  not  to  have  inherited  his  Stuff. 

Still,  it  was  a  great  Satisfaction  to  him  to 
be  a  Blood  Relative  of  two  Howling  Swells 
who  had  Pedigrees  reaching  back  almost  as 
far  as  their  Debts. 

Very  often  he  would  take  them  into  a  Back 
Room  and  turn  them  around  and  look  them 
over  and  recognize  the  cold,  undeniable  Fact 
that  they  were  cheap  at  any  Price. 

MORAL:  Bunker  Hill  has  been  Avenged, 
over  and  over. 


[193] 


Self-Made  Hezekiah  and  His  Message 

of  Hope  to  This  Years  Crop 

of  Graduates 


IN  Way  back  Township,  along  in  the 
Thirties,  there  arrived  a  12-pounder. 
When  he  was  three  days  old  he  was  ex 
hibited  to  a  Bunch  in  the  Front  Room  by  an 
Old  Lady  who  had  made  a  Study  of  Colic. 
She  was  a  Baby  Expert  who  always  broke  in 
to  do  considerable  heavy  standing  around  and 
calling  off  when  there  was  a  lift  in  the 
Population. 

While  little  Ipsy-Wipsy  was  being  in 
spected,  he  opened  one  Eye  and  spotted  a 
silver  Half  -Dollar  that  the  Honorary  Nurse 
wore  as  a  Brooch.  Immediately  he  closed 
in  on  it.  They  had  to  choke  him  to  make 
him  let  go.  In  after  Years  it  was  remarked 
that  this  was  the  only  time  that  he  went  after 
the  Coin  and  failed  to  bring  it  home. 

The  Baby  never  had  any  Tantrums  at 
Night  because  he  had  overheard  them  say 
[194] 


THE   SELF-MADE    HEZEKIAH 

that  it  cost  $2  every  time  Doc  was  called  in. 
He  would  lie  quietly  in  his  Crib  for  Hours  at 
a  time  looking  up  at  the  Ceiling  and  comput 
ing  Compound  Interest  on  the  $5  Gold  Piece 
that  had  been  put  in  the  Bank,  to  be  drawn 
out  when  he  should  be  21. 

His  Parents  gave  him  a  Biblical  Name  so 
so  as  to  make  him  a  strong  Come-On  for 
Investors  who  belong  to  the  Pious  Element. 
Hezekiah  Hooper  is  what  they  christened 
him.  They  wanted  a  Name  that  would  carry 
weight  on  a  Letter-Head  and  reassure  the 
Soft  Mark  who  was  about  to  sink  his  Funds 
in  a  Mining  Venture  with  a  Guarantee  of  48 
per  cent.  Dividends. 

At  the  age  of  4  Hezekiah  sat  down  and 
figured  that  if  he  devoted  his  Life  to  Phys 
ical  Toil,  he  might  some  day  be  the  Owner 
of  a  six-room  cottage  fully  protected  by  a 
Mortgage,  whereas  if  he  wore  a  White  Shirt 
and  kept  busy  with  the  Pencil,  he  might  be 
Rich  enough  some  day  to  land  in  the  Sen 
ate.  So  he  went  out  looking  for  Work  to 
hand  to  other  People,  thus  becoming  what 
[195] 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

|  the  Campaign  Orator  calls  a  Captain  of 
Industry. 

If  a  man  wanted  the  Weeds  pulled  from  his 
Garden,  then  Hez  would  take  the  Job  for  25 
cents.  He  would  buy  5  cents  worth  of  Stick 
Candy  and  place  it  judiciously,  so  that  at 
Nightfall  the  other  boys  would  have  Blisters 
and  the  Stomach-Ache,  while  Hez  would  have 
20  cents  salted  away  in  the  Tin  Bank. 

When  he  was  still  a  Young  Man  he  made 
the  Important  Discovery  that  the  honest 
Laborer  who  digs  Post-Holes  for  11  Hours 
at  a  Stretch  gets  $1.25  in  the  Currency  of 
the  Realm,  while  the  Brain- Worker  who  leads 
out  a  Spavined  Horse  and  puts  in  20  Minutes 
at  tall  Bunko  Work,  can  clean  up  $14.50  and 
then  sit  on  the  Porch  all  Afternoon,  reading 
"The  Lives  of  the  Saints." 

Also  Hezekiah  led  up  to  the  Altar  a  Hold- 
Over  whose  Eyes  refused  to  work  as  a  Duet 
and  whose  Figure  had  all  of  the  graceful  Ins 
and  Outs  of  a  Flag-Pole,  but  she  owned  half 
of  the  Land  in  the  Township.  Hezekiah  said 
something  about  the  Beauty  that  fadeth  even 
[196] 


Hezekiah. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

as  a  Flower,  and  then  he  connected  with  her 
Property. 

When  grim-visaged  War  showed  its  awful 
Front,  Hezekiah  went  down  to  the  Court- 
House  and  hollered  for  the  Union  until  he 
was  black  in  the  Face.  He  showed  all  the 
emotional  Farm  Hands  where  to  sign  their 
Names  and  promised  to  keep  them  supplied 
with  Blue  Overcoats,  Beans,  Navy  Plug  and 
Hard  Tack  until  the  whole  Works  had  been 
saved.  Every  time  there  was  a  new  Call  for 
Men,  he  took  a  firmer  hold  on  the  Commis 
sary  Department  and  began  to  gouge  the 
Government  in  a  new  Place. 

The  Heroes  who  came  home  full  of  Malaria 
and  Lead  were  met  at  the  Station  by  Heze 
kiah,  who  had  grown  a  Chin  Whisker  and  was 
sporting  a  White  Vest.  He  gave  each  one  a 
Card  announcing  that  all  of  our  country's 
Brave  Defenders  who  had  failed  to  become 
well  fixed  on  $13  per,  would  get  what  Money 
they  needed  at  2  per  cent,  a  Month,  with  Real 
Estate  as  Security. 

By  going  through  Bankruptcy,  side-step- 
[198] 


This  Year's  Crop. 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

ping  the  Assessor,  working  the  Farmers  for  a 
Railroad  Bonus,  handling  the  Funds  for  de 
nominational  Colleges  and  putting  the  double 
Hammer-Lock  on  the  Small  Fry  who  had 
Notes  falling  due,  Hezekiah  accumulated  a 
Wad  that  put  him  into  the  Millionaire's  Di 
vision. 

He  and  other  old  Gentlemen  with  pink 
Jowls  and  cold  fishy  Eyes  would  occasionally 
meet  in  some  Directors'  Room,  finished  in  Ma 
hogany.  The  Meeting  would  be  opened  with 
Prayer,  after  which  they  would  discuss  Ways 
and  Means  of  putting  the  Inter-State  Com 
merce  Law  to  the  Bad,  squaring  the  Legisla 
ture  without  passing  over  any  of  the  Stuff 
themselves  and  handing  the  Public  the  Short 
End  of  it. 

Having  arrived  at  this  Proud  Eminence, 
Hezekiah  was  ripe  to  spring  some  Advice  to 
Young  Men.  Any  Patriarch  who  has  slipped 
the  Tall  Mitt  to  the  entire  Universe  and  dealt 
from  both  Ends  of  the  Deck  is  the  Real  Boy 
when  it  comes  to  laying  down  Rules  of  Con 
duct  for  the  Pale  Youth  who  wants  an  $8 
[200] 


THE   SELF-MADE  HEZEKIAH 

Job.  So  Hczckiah  Hooper,  the  Eminent  Fi 
nancier,  who  never  smoked  a  Cigar,  never 
took  a  Drink  and  never  asked  anybody  else  to 
do  either,  was  invited  to  address  the  Class 
of  Naughty-Three  at  the  Local  Business 
College. 

He  sat  on  the  Rostrum  wearing  Black  • 
Broadcloth,  betokening  Virtue,  and  in  addi 
tion  to  his  ancient  Trade-Marks,  the  White 
Shirt  and  the  White  Vest,  he  had  a  White 
Bow  Tie.  As  he  sat  there  in  conscious  Recti 
tude,  wondering  if  the  Congressional  Investi 
gation  would  harm  the  Beef  Trust,  it  could 
be  seen  at  a  Glance  that  he  would  never  take 
anything  that  was  too  heavy  to  carry,  unless 
ie  had  a  Dray. 

The  studious  Young  Gentlemen  who  had 
been  preparing  themselves  to  go  out  into  the 
Great  World  and  draw  Car-Fare  as  Book- 
Keepers  and  Stenographers,  looked  up  at 
Honest  Hezekiah  and  said,  "This  is  where 
he  puts  us  next  to  the  Recipe  for  Getting 
There." 

At  last  the  Honored  Guest  arose  and  told     \ 
[  201  ]  \ 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

the  Class  that  the  Young  Man  who  wishes  to 
succeed  must  be  Upright,  Frugal,  Indus 
trious,  and  Patriotic.  He  considered  it  the 
Duty  of  every  Young  Man  to  accept  what 
ever  Compensation  was  offered  him  and  be 
Content,  for  as  soon  as  he  began  to  earn  more 
his  Employer  would  come  around  and  put  it 
in  his  Pocket.  Above  all,  he  must  love  his 
Country  and  let  Integrity  be  his  Watchword 
and  remember  that  a  Good  Name  is  better 
than  Riches,  even  if  other  People  don't  think 
so.  Then  he  sat  down  without  batting  an 
Eye  and  every  member  of  the  Class  of  '03 
knew  just  how  to  go  out  and  pile  up  a  Million. 

MORAL  :  What's  more,  they  believe  it  them 
selves. 


The  Girl  Wlw   Took  Notes  and  Got 
Wise  and  Then  Fell  Down 


ONCE  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  long 
headed  Girl  who  used  to  sit  in  her 
own  Room  on  Rainy  Afternoons  and 
evolve  Theories.     Her  principal  Ambition  in 
Life  was  to  stand  Ace  High  with  all  the  Nice 
Men  of  her  Set.     She  hoped  in  the  course  of 
Time  to  tease  one  away  from  the  Drove  and 
gallop  him  into  the  Branding  Pen. 

Now  this  Girl  was  so  Foxy  that  at  times 
she  got  in  front  of  herself  and  blocked  off  her 
own  Plays.  Her  scheme  for  getting  all  the 
Real  Boys  intoxified  with  Love  for  her  was 
to  engage  them  in  Conversation  and  find  out 
what  kind  of  Girls  they  liked.  Then  her  Play 
was  to  be  that  Kind.  She  had  no  Difficulty 
whatever  in  inducing  her  Men  Friends  to  talk 
about  the  Opposite  Sex.  They  were  all  keyed 
up  on  the  Subject  and  full  of  Information. 
Just  as  a  Feeler  one  Evening  she  asked  an 
eligible  Charley  if  he  didn't  think  that  the 
Woman  of  To-day  was  too  Extravagant. 
[  203  1 


PEOPLE    YOU    KNOW 

"That's  just  why  so  many  of  us  shy  at  the 
Matrimonial  Jump,"  he  confided  to  her. 
"There  was  a  time  when  the  Man  who  got 
$75  per  Month  and  had  about  $200  planted 
could  take  a  Chance  at  the  Game.  But  now 
that  measly  Allowance  wouldn't  keep  a  High 
Roller  supplied  with  Violets.  The  up-to- 
date  Maudine  isn't  happy  unless  she  has  a 
Gray-Squirrel  Coat,  an  Auto  Car,  $11,000 
worth  of  Twinklers  arid  a  fourteen-room 
Apartment.  That's  why  these  Society  Shawl- 
Holders  keep  on  making  Love  right  and  left 
but  never  come  down  to  Cases." 

This  was  a  valuable  Tip,  so  the  crafty 
Maiden  put  it  down  in  her  little  Note-Book 
that  she  who  would  make  a  Hit  must  con 
vince  the  Men  that  her  Tastes  were  simple 
and  inexpensive.  Another  one  gave  her  a 
learned  Talk  on  the  frivolity  and  Two-by- 
Fourness  of  the  typical  Seraphine. 

"You  cannot  expect  a  Man  to  hand  over 

his  serious  Affections  to  one  of  these  Feather- 

Heads,"  he  said,  as  he  gazed  thoughtfully  at 

the  Floor.     "Woman  should  be  Man's  Intel- 

[204] 


Nice  Men.      W  K 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

lectual  Helpmeet.  Now  and  then  a  Man  may 
have  a  Passing  Fancy  for  a  Lizzie  who  talks 
Piffle  and  gets  an  Attack  of  the  Giggles  every 
few  Seconds,  but  when  it  comes  to  the  grand 
Hook-Up  he  wants  one  who  is  there  with  the 
Gray  Matter — one  who  can  play  up  to  his 
loftiest  Ambitions  and  supply  his  Home  with 
that  Atmosphere  of  Culture  which  is  the  true 
Ozone  of  Married  Life." 

So  she  put  it  down  that  it  was  her  Cue  to 
chop  out  the  Twaddle  and  be  a  sort  of  Lady 
Emerson.  Incidentally  she  resolved  to  cut 
out  all  kinds  of  Slang,  for  she  got  a  very 
straight  Line  of  Talk  from  an  Amateur  Phi 
losopher  who  was  in  the  Wholesale  Grocery 
Business. 

"If  there's  anything  that  gives  me  a  quick, 
shooting  Pain  it  is  to  hear  some  delicate  Nec 
tarine  dealing  out  Slang,"  said  Mr.  Gentle 
man  Friend.  "Now  in  England,  where  I 
spent  Two  Weeks  once,  the  Ladies  never  use 
Slang.  They  simply  say  that  a  Thing  is 
either  Perfectly  Charming  or  Most  Extraor 
dinary  and  let  it  go  at  that.  They  may  be 
[206] 


Rules  of  Conduct. 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

Short  on  Vocabulary,  but  they  are  Long  on 
Respectability.  Besides,  I  was  reading  in  a 
Magazine  the  other  Day  that  Slang  is  Vul 
gar  and  that  no  one  should  take  up  with  a 
Slang  Word  until  Long  Usage  has  given  it 
the  right  to  break  into  the  Lexicon." 

Also  this  Girl  with  the  Absorbent  Mind 
would  clip  out  Hints  to  the  Young,  and  Con 
fidential  Charts  warning  the  Just-Outs  against 
taking  Presents  from  Strangers  and  putting 
them  next  to  Rules  of  Conduct  that  would  be 
sure  to  please  and  fascinate  Proper  Young 
Men.  It  seemed  strange  at  Times  that  these 
Head  Coaches  who  knew  just  how  to  jolly 
up  any  Man  were  not  out  spending  some  Mill 
ionaire's  Money  instead  of  writing  Pieces  for 
the  Paper. 

All  the  Articles  on  the  Woman's  Page  and 
all  the  strait-laced  Men  that  she  met  came 
down  Hard  on  the  Female  who  is  trying  to 
be  a  Real  Bohemian.  She  learned  from  a 
dozen  different  Sources  that  Men  have  no 
earthly  Use  for  the  Zipper  who  tries  to  do  a 
Mile  in  less  than  Two  and  kites  around  in  a 
[208] 


THE   GIRL   WHO   TOOK   NOTES 

Hack  without  a  Chaperon  and  carries  her  own 
Cigarettes. 

And  she  heard  nothing  but  Expressions  of 
Horror  concerning  the  Woman  who  Drinks. 
Her  Male  acquaintances  often  brought  up 
the  Painful  Subject.  They  said  it  was  all 
right  for  a  Man  to  move  up  to  a  High  Ball 
once  in  a  While,  and  a  Cocktail  before  Dinner 
didn't  do  any  Harm  until  after  the  Seventh 
or  Eighth.  But  it  did  look  Tough  to  see 
Mere  Children  of  about  twenty-three  Years 
of  Age  going  after  the  Dry  Manhattans. 

After  sounding  the  Men  on  the  Liquor 
Question  the  long-headed  Girl  made  a  solemn 
Resolve  that  she  would  never  hit  up  anything 
stronger  than  Cherry  Sundae. 

When  she  had  her  Note  Book  full  of  useful 
Directions  she  found  a  Chance  to  try  out  her 
System.  She  was  invited  to  a  Swell  Dinner 
Party  at  which  all  the  Nice  Men  in  Town 
were  to  be  rounded  up.  She  put  on  a  simple 
White  Gown  and  wore  a  Rose  in  her  Hair, 
and  just  before  starting  she  locked  all  of  her 
[  209  ] 


PEOPLE    YOU   KNOW 

Slang  words  in  the  Escritoire,  whatever  that 
may  be. 

At  the  Dinner  she  sat  next  to  a  Bachelor 
who  had  Nothing  But.  She  talked  to  him 
about  the  Panama  Canal,  just  to  show  that 
she  was  no  Piker.  When  he  wanted  her  to 
take  some  of  the  Phizz  Water  she  made  an 
Awful  Stand  and  seemed  surprised  that  he 
should  think  that  of  her. 

This  did  not  prevent  him  from  splashing 
in.  By  the  time  the  Birds  came  along  he  had 
accumulated  a  very  neat  Brannigan,  and  was 
paying  a  lot  of  Attention  to  a  wonderful 
Piece  of  Work  sitting  opposite.  She  wore  a 
Red  Costume  that  must  have  cost  $7,000,  and 
although  she  was  very  gabby  and  called  the 
Men  by  their  First  Names  and  invited  all  who 
were  not  Quitters  to  stand  by  for  a  Bumper, 
she  was  making  fair  Headway.  In  fact,  she 
seemed  to  have  the  Bunch  with  her. 

The  Wise  Girl  figured  that  they  were  tol 
erating  her  out  of  mere  Politeness.  Later  on, 
in  the  Drawing  Room,  they  continued  to  tol 
erate  her  the  best  they  knew  how.  The  Girl 
[210] 


THE   GIRL   WHO   TOOK   NOTES 

with  the  Book  of  Rules  played  a  sad  little 
Opus  on  the  Piano,  after  which  the  Steeple- 
Chaser  in  Red  leaped  on  top  of  the  Instru 
ment  and  tore  out  Coon  Stuff  with  eight  men 
turning  the  Music  for  her. 

And  these  were  the  Eight  who  had  told  the 
Girl  back  in  the  Corner  all  about  the  Qualities 
in  Woman  that  would  help  to  attract  Men. 
She  went  home  thinking  it  over  and  the  next 
time  she  started  for  a  Dinner,  she  added  a 
Dash  of  Red  and  a  few  Brilliants  to  the  Cos 
tume  and  cut  loose  up  to  a  reasonable  Limit. 
She  got  along  first-rate,  even  though  she  was 
doing  a  lot  of  Things  that  none  of  the  Men 
approve,  but  somehow  love  to  put  up  with. 

MORAL  :  He  can  always  pick  out  the  Right 
Kind  for  the  Other  Fellow. 


What  They.  Had  Laid  Out  for  Their 
Vacation 


A  MAN  who  had  three  weeks  of  Vaca 
tion  coming  to  him  began  to  get  busy 
with  an  Atlas  about  April  1st.  He 
and  his  Wife  figured  that  by  keeping  on  the 
Jump  they  could  do  Niagara,  Thousand  Isl 
ands,  Atlantic  City,  The  Mammoth  Cave  and 
cover  the  Great  Lakes. 

On  April  10th  they  decided  to  charter  a 
House-Boat  and  float  down  the  Mississippi. 

On  April  20th  he  heard  of  a  Cheap  Ex 
cursion  to  California  with  a  stop-over  Privi 
lege  at  every  Station  and  they  began  to  read 
up  on  Salt  Lake  and  Yellowstone. 

On  May  1st  she  flashed  a  Prospectus  of  a 
Northern  Lake  Resort  where  Boats  and  Min 
nows  were  free  and  Nature  was  ever  smiling. 

By  May  10th  he  had  drawn  a  Blue  Pencil 
all  over  a  Folder  of  the  Adirondack  Region, 
and  all  the  Hotel  Rates  were  set  down  in  his 
Pocket  Memorandum  Book. 

Ten  days  later  she  vetoed  the  Mountain 


Getting  Busy  With  an  Atlas, 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

Trip  because  she  had  got  next  to  a  Nantucket 
Establishment  where  Family  Board  was  $6  a 
Week,  with  the  use  of  a  Horse. 

On  June  1st  a  Friend  showed  him  how,  by 
making  two  Changes  and  hiring  a  Canoe,  he 
could  penetrate  the  Deep  Woods,  where  the 
Foot  of  Man  had  never  Trod  and  the  Black 
Bass  came  to  the  Surface  and  begged  to  be 
taken  out. 

(On  June  15th  he  and  Wifey  packed  up  and 
did  the  annual  Hike  up  to  Uncle  Foster's 
Place  in  Brown  County,  where  they  ate  with 
the  Hired  Hand  and  had  Greens  three  times 
a  Day.  There  were  no  Screens  on  the  Win 
dows,  but  by  climbing  a  Hill  they  could  get  a 
lovely  View  of  the  Pike  that  ran  over  to  the 
County  Seat. 

MORAL:  If  Summer  came  in  the  Spring 
there  would  be  a  lot  of  Travel. 


[214] 


The  Experimental  Couple  and  the 
Three   Off-Shoots 


A  MAN  and  Wife  had  three  Sons. 
The  first,  named  Abraham  Lincoln 
Tibbetts,  was  born  in  1862.  His 
name  was  promptly  abbreviated  to  Link. 

The  second,  who  arrived  in  1872,  was 
christened  Ulysses  Simpson  Grant  Tibbetts. 
This  was  too  long,  so  people  called  him  Chub. 

The  third  was  of  the  Vintage  of  1882  and 
his  name  went  into  the  Register  as  Chester  A. 
Arthur  Tibbetts,  but,  in  the  interest  of  Eu 
phony  he  was  dubbed  Art,  because  Art  is 
Long. 

The  Tibbetts  Family  lived  in  the  City,  and 
Link,  the  first-born,  enjoyed  all  the  Advan 
tages  of  Life  in  an  Apartment  Building.  He 
went  to  a  Graded  School  and  picked  up  so 
much  Knowledge  that  at  the  age  of  12  he 
could  set  his  Parents  down  in  front  of  him 
and  tell  them  Things  they  did  not  know.  At 
14  he  was  so  far  along  that  he  knew  how  to 
lie  in  Bed  and  have  his  Mother  bring  his 
[215] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

Breakfast  up  to  him.  He  went  to  Dancing 
School  and  learned  to  play  all  the  "Pinafore" 
music  on  the  Upright  Agony  Box.  Some 
times  he  chided  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Tibbetts  for  not 
having  as  much  Money  as  many  of  the  People 
he  met  at  Dancing  Parties.  He  had  about 
as  much  Application  as  a  used-up  Porous 
Plaster,  and  he  worried  more  about  his  Com 
plexion  than  he  did  about  his  Business  Pros 
pects. 

Mr.  Tibbetts  gave  him  a  Desk  at  the  Office 
and  called  him  Assistant  Something.  His 
Duties  consisted  of  looking  at  the  Clock  and 
writing  Notes  to  the  Gazelles  he  had  met  the 
Night  before.  If  he  had  been  set  out  on  the 
Pavement  and  told  to  Root  for  himself,  it 
would  have  broken  him  of  the  habit  of 
Eating. 

/  Link  was  whatever  they  called  a  Lobster  in 
1880.  Mr.  Tibbetts  realized  that  City  Life 
had  an  enervating  Effect  on  Boys  and  made 
them  Superficial  and  Wise  in  their  own  Con 
ceit. 

Chub  was  8  years  old  and  had  not  yet  sue- 
[216] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

cumbed  to  the  Matinee  Habit,  so  his  Parents 
decided  to  ship  him  out  to  the  Green  Fields 
and  keep  him  there  until  he  had  developed  a 
Character.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Tibbetts  knew 
that  all  the  Men  of  Sterling  Worth,  men 
tioned  in  Political  Biographies,  had  been 
raised  on  the  Farm.  They  figured  that  if 
Chub  could  be  left  in  the  Country  to  run 
with  the  Live  Stock,  he  would  grow  up  to  be 
a  Sturdy  and  self-reliant  Character,  with  no 
hankering  for  Soda  Water  and  the  Military 
Schottische. 

Therefore  Chub  was  sent  out  to  live  with 
Uncle  Jabez  Quackenbush,  an  Agriculturalist 
who  owned  480  Acres  and  was  still  wearing 
the  Army  Overcoat  that  the  Government  had 
given  him  when  the  War  broke  out.  Chub 
slept  on  a  Feather  Tick  up  in  a  Room  where 
they  had  the  Seed  Corn  hung  on  the  Rafters. 
Uncle  Jabe  would  yank  him  out  at  4.30 
G.  M.  and  keep  him  in  the  Field  until  the  early 
Candle-Lighting,  so  that  usually  he  had  two 
Meals  in  the  Dark.  On  Sunday  he  and  the 
Hired  Help  would  sit  in  the  Hay-Mow  and 
[218] 


Chub. 


PEOPLE   YOU    KNOW 

read  Almanacs.  In  the  Winter  he  attended 
a  District  School  and  learned  to  bound  Pata 
gonia,  but  he  did  not  go  to  any  demoralizing 
Shows  nor  learn  to  pick  up  flip  Slang. 

When  he  was  18,  he  seemed  to  be  past  the 
Danger  Period,  so  Uncle  Jabe  took  him  to  the 
Train  and  told  the  Conductor  where  to  put 
him  off.  On  the  way  back  to  the  City  he 
bought  an  oval  Box  of  Figs  from  the  Train 
Boy  and  lost  his  Hat  out  of  the  Window. 
When  he  arrived  at  Home  and  entered  the 
House,  it  sounded  like  a  Crowd  coming  in. 
His  Mother  took  one  Look  and  fell  backward. 
I  There  was  a  Neutral  Zone  between  his  Vest 
I  and  Trousers.  Also  he  had  been  raising 
Warts  on  himself. 

For  two  Months  after  he  arrived  they  kept 
him  under  Cover  for  fear  the  Neighbors 
would  see  him.  He  gave  way  at  the  Knees 
every  time  he  stepped.  If  a  member  of  the 
Opposite  Sex  spoke  to  him,  he  usually  backed 
into  something  Breakable.  At  the  Table  he 
he  did  a  Sword-Swallowing  Act  and  drank 
out  of  the  Saucer. 


THE  EXPERIMENTAL  COUPLE 

"We  made  a  mistake  in  leaving  him  so  long 
in  the  Tall  Grass,"  said  Mr.  Tibbetts.  "But 
now  that  we  have  tried  the  two  Extremes,  we 
know  just  what  to  do  with  Art.  We  shall 
send  him  to  a  small  Town,  where  he  may  as 
sociate  with  bright  Youth  of  his  own  age  and 
3ret  be  away  from  the  distracting  and  corrupt 
ing  Influences  of  the  Big  City." 

Accordingly  Art  was  farmed  out  to  a 
Cousin  residing  in  a  drowsy  Corporation  of 
about  1,500  Souls,  figuratively  speaking.  He 
went  to  the  Grammar  School  and  what  he 
didn't  learn  at  School  he  learned  in  Back 
Alleys  and  Box  Cars.  However,  his  Parents 
were  happy  in  the  Knowledge  that  he  was  be 
yond  the  influence  of  the  gaudy  Play  House, 
the  gilded  Buffet  and  the  seductive  Dancing 
Academy.  He  was  out  where  nothing  hap 
pened  unless  the  Boys  started  it  themselves. 
So  they  started  it. 

When  he  was  twenty  he  was  sent  to  the 

City,   an   extra   fine   Specimen   of  what   the 

Small  Town  can  produce.     He  had  his  Hair 

combed    down    into    his    Eyes.     He   wore    a 

[221  ] 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

punky  little  Derby,  about  two  sizes  too  small. 
The  turn-down  Collar  was  four  inches  high, 
and  he  wore  a  navy-blue  Cravat  with  a  copper 
Butterfly  for  a  Scarf -Pin.  Furthermore,  he 
had  a  Suit  of  Clothes  that  was  intended  for  a 
gentle  Brakeman.  On  his  Lapel  he  had  a 
Button  Photograph  of  the  Girl  who  worked 
in  the  Millinery  Store. 

"Are  you  made  up  for  a  Masquerade  or 
is  this  the  regular  Costume?"  asked  his 
Father. 

"  'Go  'Way  Back  and  Set  Down,'  "  replied 
Art,  for  he  knew  his  Village  Repartee  and  was 
on  to  all  of  last  year's  Gags. 

"What  do  you  propose  to  do  for  yourself?" 
asked  Mr.  Tibbetts. 

"I  want  to  travel  with  a  Circus  or  Minstrel 
Troupe  and  I  don't  much  care  which,"  re 
plied  Art. 

As  the  Boy  appeared  to  be  somewhat 
Lumpy  about  the  Pockets,  his  Father  threw 
him  down  and  searched  him,  finding  on 
his  Person,  a  $2  Revolver,  a  Package  of 
Cigaroots,  a  1-lb.  Plug  of  Tobacco,  a  Deck 


Art. 


PEOPLE   YOU   KNOW 

of  Playing  Cards,  a  Copy  of  "Old  Sleuth'' 
and  a  Pair  of  Brass  Knucks. 

"I  have  underrated  the  Educational  Facili 
ties  of  the  Jay  Town,"  said  Mr.  Tibbetts. 
"Link  is  door-keeper  in  a  Dime  Museum  and 
Chub  is  putting  in  Coal  for  an  old  and  well- 
known  Firm,  but  I  can  see  that  you  are  going 
to  outshine  your  Brothers.  You  are  going 
to  develop  into  a  first-class  Burglar." 

MORAL:  Keep  him  in  a  Barrel. 


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